How Stella got her groove back

Stella Damasus is back to show-business after an absence that lasted a while.
Cast and crew members of laspapi’s upcoming stage play have found the candid Stella a delight to work with. Of course, the fact that she’s so gorgeous doesn’t hurt her case in anyway (hehe).
In the pictures, she relaxes after a rehearsal of “Anatomy of a Woman” in which she’s the main character.

After a meeting of cast members of “Anatomy of a Woman” at the office, Bolaji Alonge (Mohammed in the drama) and laspapi walked to the car park where we met Malik and his mother, Zainab. (in the picture, Bolaji carries Malik in his hands).
Zainab (seated in picture) is a 19 year old Malian who had Malik out of wedlock for her boyfriend (now missing in action) who comes from the Republic of Niger. Her parents live in Togo but she’s now “holidaying” with her Uncle who sells sweets and ’wosi-wosi’ outside my office building.
I wondered at life and how it sets some on one side of the fence and others behind the bars. If Zainab had driven past in a nice car, we’d probably have craned our necks till we ran into a lamp post. I pray for a good future for her and the playful little runt, Malik, a future that’s kind to him and allows him to be all he can be.

In the picture, Kaine Agary (pronounced Kai-ni), writer of the novel, yellow yellow, signs autographs after her book reading on Friday the 9th of March at Quintessence, Falomo, Ikoyi, Lagos.
The peculiar title refers to the colour of the main character in the book, Zilayefa, a young girl of Greek and Nigerian parentage who from a rustic existence, seeks a "better life" in a Nigerian city. It is a book about life in the Niger Delata region of Nigeria, and Kaine joins the new breed of Nigerian writers who've brought style to the literary landscape.
Kaine holds a bachelor's degree in Socioeconomics from Mount Holyoke College, South Hadley, Massachusetts and a Master's degree in Public Administration from New York University's Robert F.Wagner School of Public Service.
She lives in Lagos and is Editor-in-Chief of TAKAii magazine.

Three weeks ago, I was Master of Ceremonies at a fund-raising function organized by a non-governmental organization, Sisters United for Children, (mainly female professionals in various fields)in conjunction with Child Life Line, another NGO dedicated to the care of Children in need. CLL is headed by Mrs. Marion Sikuade, an Irish lady who has been in Nigeria for decades and who married a Nigerian.
Wandering, homeless Kids are picked off the street and from their abodes under bridges, from the beaches (Kuramo is a favourite hangout of these children)and given a new life, sent to school, fed and clothed. They have children in University and polytechnics now and many have learnt trades.

An example is the 11 year old holding the microphone in the picture, whose father beat him for sport, threw him down the stairs once (see the gash on his head) and repeatedly threatened to kill him for just being there (no particular offence). He fled from home (Oyo State) to Lagos, thereafter and says he would rather die than return. It's a hard life for some and we all should be grateful for the upbringing taken for granted.

It's a man's world after all-

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol
station toilet because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress~£2500. Tuxedo rental~£80.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £4.00 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes in one colour for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pen knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

I've become a weekly columnist with the Sunday Guardian Newspaper (Life Magazine). The name of the column is "The Girl Whisperer" and it debuts tomorrow, Sunday. Like Oscar Wilde said at a busy airport's customs checkpoint, 'I have nothing to declare but my genius'. hehe. Is there any such thing as a "Girl Whisperer"? Yep, there is.

The Girl Whisperer
(In the mind of Venus)

By laspapi

We’ve heard of specialists in many areas. There is the Horse Whisperer and then the Dog Whisperer, both of whom have made fame and fortune from being able to communicate with all variations of the breeds, having the ability to comprehend their mood swings and temperaments and to unravel secrets of these animals once kept from ordinary eyes. I am still unable to comprehend the usefulness of those animalistic gifts, but to everyone his own as films and books have even been made out of these ‘extra-ordinary’ abilities.

But there is a gift I accidentally discovered in myself, the ability to comprehend and answer the universal question, “What is it that women want?” which is no mean feat considering the fact that no two women can agree to one answer to this question. If you doubt it, pause your reading, and ask any number of women near you, what it is they want. The answers you’ll get are as varied as there are stars in the sky.

But I am the Girl Whisperer. I know the answers to the matters that have troubled women about themselves, about men and about life itself. Before you ask “Can any good thing come out of Jerusalem?”, remember this country produced a Miss World- Agbani Darego, produced a Nobel Peace prize winner- Wole Soyinka and a Pulitzer prize winner- Dele Olojede. Why then, should it be difficult to imagine Nigeria as the origin of “The Girl Whisperer”, a man that holds the key to unlocking the secrets of women from all nations? To every era, a Girl Whisperer is born, just one. This era’s Whisperer is Nigerian, so live with it.

The basics- No matter where a woman is from, there are common denominators that run through each one. Whether big framed, small boned, white or black, old or young, women are of broad types. These types have hundreds of sub-categories but we’ll deal with the major types first.

Type 1 is “The Thorough-Bred”- A girl so well-mannered, it appears as if butter cannot melt in her mouth (and it probably cannot). She is reluctant to cause pain to others, usually has control of her emotions and is a delight to be with. The thorough-bred is found attractive by many men and never lacks for male attention. She is supportive of others and is purposeful.

Type 2- The Girl Next Door- This type is homely and loving, and like the thorough-bred, one of the most appealing when men seek to stop playing the field and need a partner to build a nest with. She is stable and reliable and is fiercely loyal. Mothers-in-law adore the two categories above.

Type 3- The Free Spirit- Life for her is a breeze. She knows how to laugh and is 50 years ahead of the rest of the world. The Free Spirit cannot be shackled to anyone or any cause for long, always wanting to be on her own, to fly free of restraint. Many have tried but her domestication is always only temporary.

Type 4- The Material Girl- The Material Girl decided at any early age that “Good girls go to heaven but bad girls go everywhere”. She will do anything to acquire what she wants and when she does, to keep it. A hard-headed realist and a born-survivor, she believes in using what she has to get what she wants.

Type 5- The Jerry Springer- Foul of Mouth and of heart, This one will pick a fight on a busy road and will win any slanging match irrespective of where it takes place. She can out-curse an area-boy and is unafraid of causing a scene even in a church or mosque. Indeed she lives for moments like these. Chaos brings out the beast… I mean, the best in her.
So, you have the basic types and under these, too many categories to catalogue at the moment.

Next week, we’ll discuss how you can identify a wolf even if he’s wearing a suit, speaks the Queen’s English and brings chocolates and flowers.
laspapi@yahoo.com

GLOBAL COW ECONOMICS Sent to me a while back

YORUBA ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You kill them both and throw an owambe (mega) party!

IBO ECONOMICS - You have two cows. You make very good counterfeits of them and sell for the price of the real cows!

HAUSA ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You rear them till they are four, make sure your kids rear cows too and just maintain!

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You worship them.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows & who becomes a threat to the world. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS -You have two cows. They are both mad cows.

SWISS ECONOMICS -You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

MORE NIGERIAN ECONOMICS -You have two cows. You eat one, claim it was stolen, and call in the Police to investigate. The Police arrest everyone living within 100km and torture them thoroughly until someone admits kidnapping the cow. The police then collect one cow each from everyone they arrested. You have your cow back and the Police now owns a cattle farm.