The Girl Whisperer

as published by the Sunday Guardian

August 19

Fear Factor

I have a friend, let’s call him walexy, whom I’ve known many years back now. One day, as we sat talking, he showed a list of the 10 things he wanted in a partner. According to him, if the candidate possessed most of the traits he’d put down, then a relationship could be worked out.

Even though I am older now, it is still one of the most sound bits of advice I can give another, about relationships. Rule number one is that you write your list so you know exactly what you want and you don’t settle for less.

It’s interesting that when we go to a shopping mall, we often have a list of the things we want. We might deviate a bit, but more often than not, we clear the list and then get a bit more, a bonus if you would, if we still have money left. It’s much the same when we go car hunting. In this case, we’ve usually spoken to a car mechanic or two, a driver of the same model, and taken opinions, far and wide. Some might consider this clinical, but even now, in our minds, we all have a list of sorts. The purpose of a physical list is to concretise the things we yearn for.

There’s nothing too trivial to put on the list, if it matters to you. There are girls who insist that the man of their dreams must be over six feet tall, humorous and muscular. Some want patience and kindness and others, a man who has a healthy bank account. In all the cases in times past when the Whisperer ignored “the list”, there was hell to pay. As the saying goes, “if you won’t stand for something, you’ll settle for anything”.

If you’re not into skinny people, don’t digress from your list, and if it’s the very slim type that makes you happy, stay true to yourself. A preparation of a list before falling into the hands of the wrong person will prevent you from learning the true meaning of fear. There are many who will not take “no” for an answer if you are to inform them you made a mistake in choosing them as partners. I met a female once who told me she tried to leave a man she’d mistaken for the real McCoy. The “gentleman” thereafter tried to use a door to smash her legs to pieces as she lay on the ground, inert from a tumble she took as he pursued her. However, the “scorned” partners who would go to extreme lengths to hurt you physically, emotionally or in other ways, could be of either gender as there are women who will issue death threats if you think of leaving them. Having a list beforehand, almost always protects you from being dazzled by surface sheen, and mistaking it for gold.

There are ways you might know you’re in for trouble if you're thinking of forging ahead. A potential partner who blames all of his or her problems on a former relationship, is sending a signal you must take seriously. If anything happens to you both, you will, in turn, have to bear the entirety of the blame. If your partner exhibits a vindictive nature, expressing a burning desire that misfortune falls on other people who pulled out of relationships with him or her, it might also be a good idea for you to watch your step.

Then there are people who have been deserted by every single person they’ve been with, perpetual victims. Never feel charitable and assume yourself a messiah in this instance. You must look to the root of this problem before you agree to start a relationship with such a person.

However, if you are already entangled with someone whom you know is totally unsuitable for you, don’t be afraid to let go. It’s your life, your future, your happiness, and no one can live it for you. Christiane Amanpour, the CNN reporter waited till she was 41 years old before marrying because according to her, she wouldn’t be short-changed. Why hastily enter into an arrangement you might never be able to escape from?