Subject: THE POINTS SYSTEM

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make your woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow/rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her pet (-10)


Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while,
then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-80)


Her birthday:

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalised license plate GR8 N BED) (-15)


A Night Out:

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called Deathcop 3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirt (-30)
You say, "it doesn't matter, you have one, too." (-8000)


The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-1)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)


Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem
You listen, displaying what looks a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+1000)
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-2000)