The Girl Whisperer

as published by

The Sunday Guardian of July 6

SOUL TIES

According to a theory I once heard, there are other people (or at least one person) out there that you are tied to even if you are in what appears to be the perfect relationship. The way it’s described, they say if you have been intimate with another person, someone you really ‘loved’ at one time, and there is a separation for any reason and for any length of years, you are still in some manner, tied to that person or people. This is different from you finding your soul-mate as some of us say of spouses and long-term partners. The soul-tie is a pull that is as strong, and probably more damaging because of its ability to reach out from the past and touch, often adversely, relationships in the present. For those who have long boasted that they have found the perfect relationship, it can be a disconcerting revelation to discover that your partner might in some way still be ‘connected’ to another, whether or not he or she talks of this person. This might be a good time to ask your great loves whether they are soul-tied. Apparently, according to the school of thought, you feel the connection periodically, it ebbs and flows like the tide, like the pull of the moon, and even though the person the connection is with, might be continents away, the link is never broken.

Now, for the Whisperer, this is a convenient way of saying you still find another person attractive outside your relationship. While this is a natural phenomenon (anyone who says there is only one attractive person in the world is lying through the skin of his or her teeth), the unnatural thing is to have the mind-set that because it is a ‘soul-tie’, there really is nothing you can do about it. This kind of connection then, is almost a viral thing, an infection you can never get rid off, that raises its head even in the midst of your happiness with other people.

The Whisperer says if you have found happiness with someone you intend to share your long-term future with, and you intend to stay with that one person, you must sit down and think, plan how you will preserve what you have. Oh yes, love has strategy too. Ask anyone who has doggedly pursued a prospective partner for months or across continents. The way forward in a relationship you intend to hold on to, is to ask if you are willing to give up everyone else for this one person (if you believe in exclusive relationships). If you do not intend to give up the ‘pleasures’ of the past, then you need not make any further plans and you may live life as you wish. However, if it is your intention to stay true, it might be a good thing to make a decision that you will walk away from all other forms of ‘temptation’, soul tied or otherwise. Often, we ourselves allow room for instability in our relationships, allowing encroachment by other factors (and people) and then we blame the difficulties that are sure to arise, on circumstances beyond our control. If you do not show discipline and a willingness to protect what you have found, your ‘soul-ties’ will destroy your happiness.

You must understand that the human memory is a wonderful thing, just ask all the parents who have at some point told their children that in their days, they topped their classes in school. Often, the memory is tinged with a rosy hue, and truths are often altered. Same thing with our recollections of the soul tie. We forget the reason there was a separation, painting this person in magnificent hues, the scent of the person’s perfume, the understanding, the laughter and happiness, and then meet the ‘tie’ five or ten years on and remember only the good times, and in foolishness are willing to jeopardise whatever beauty we have found. Life is short they say, and some are willing to live dangerously.

The soul-tie is one you must watch out for. This is an off-shoot of the now world-famous law of attraction propounded by Nigerians, known as “Okafor’s Law” where it is said that you can be ‘intimate’ again with someone you were once intimate with, no matter how long it has been since you last saw each other and no matter who either of you might be with.

The acceptance that there will always be Soul-Tie(s) is an acceptance that your relationship will always be in mortal danger. When you enter a serious relationship, you must ask yourself if you are willing to let go of the past. There will always be attractive people, in existence in the past and the future but the secret to success in relationships is to be like the aborigine in Australia who would choose a particular kangaroo for its meat and then set off in pursuit of the kangaroo. It didn’t matter whether in the course of this pursuit, slower or bigger kangaroos passed by. A decision had been made and would not be varied until the kangaroo being pursued dropped from exhaustion. It is a state of the mind. A relationship that will succeed needs those in it to pursue their mutual happiness, not looking from side to side to observe distractions. This can be applied to all spheres of life as well. Make a decision and stick with it, if you can. If for some reason, you cannot stick to your resolution, do not blame it on the soul-tie. Your resolve fell apart because you were weak, because you lusted after another person, nothing psychic about it.

Sometimes, fidelity even to those we most love, can be a hard thing, an obstacle race, but the longer you keep at it, the better you get. The Whisperer’s advice- start jumping the hurdles, life’s got plenty of it, but your muscles will soon get used to leaping over temptation.