Many Other Things About Mary

as published in the Sunday Guardian of June 10

My advice to females in “Something about Mary”, not to reveal intimate details of their past, drew reactions from many areas. All the girls who communicated by electronic mail, telephone or in person, were in complete agreement. (For the Girl Whisperer, any female, of any age, is a Girl). Many gave examples of how they had made the grave mistake of telling their partners how many others had been with them in the past and how that act of openness had dealt mortal blows on their relationships. There was mail from a particular man who made the title of his correspondence, “Lies”. According to him, The Whisperer was teaching ‘already loose’ women to keep things from their men and encouraging moral decadence. Right.

The hypocrisy of men in this regard is an experiment worth documenting by scientists. There is no man with a make-up capable of accepting information about the intimate past of his partner, no matter how much we deceive ourselves. The most even-tempered man, regardless of age, social status or creed, would crumble under the sheer weight of the information. Even the Whisperer, able to process all forms of issues concerning females, would not request this details because of the havoc it could create. Men should sit, think, and develop a healthy respect for females who can absorb this level of information without missing a step, information which would blow up the circuitry of any man.

But today’s discussion is really about love that isn’t returned, whether it is the man or woman who is doing all the giving. There is a cardinal rule in this matter, “It’s not who you love, it’s who loves you”. Let all be aware that if you make the mistake of loving someone who doesn’t love you back, it’s a one-way ticket to Heart Break prison and a life sentence without possibility of parole. Many of us fall in love with people who we think are perfect, everything we want in a partner, people we would do anything for. There’s just one tiny impediment; the person feels nothing for us. This object of our passion does not return phone calls, or search us out in a crowd, makes it clear when others are present that we are barely tolerated, and causes us many nights of sleepless misery.

There is only one answer to that; Get out of the relationship. Immediately. You cannot make another person love you against his or her will. If you think this person will learn to love you in the future, you’ve embarked on an exercise of self-delusion. If you have seemingly found the answer to your life-quest, why do you believe this person you are enamoured with is not in pursuit of his or her own true love?

Everyday for a person caught in this web of sado-masochism, will be miserable. There is nothing so pathetic than a person who cringes and grovels to be loved. It is not attractive and only attracts the emotion called pity, which I am sure you will agree is not the ingredient needed for mind-blowing and everlasting relationships. Remember the words of the song, Nature Boy, which goes, “The greatest thing you could ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return”.

Let all, heed the warning of the Whisperer; do not commit yourself to a long-distance relationship in which your partner does not love you as much as you love him or her. This partner never will, and sometime in the future, no matter how long it takes, will seek a more consuming love elsewhere, because every human craves this. Sadly, some will hold on to love that flows in only one direction, in the hope that someday, it will circulate freely. That day may never come, no matter how hard one wishes for it. Pursue those who love you. It’s the way nature designed us to be.