The Girl Whisperer
as published by the Sunday Guardian
of April 13
The previous week's column- 'Shallow Waters' went missing in action with my laptop's hard drive which had to be reformatted. I can't lay hold of the yahoo! backup I usually keep of these things but it'll be published here in a few days. 1st Pet, take note.
The Serial Monogamist
Till the very end of time, many women will be amazed by the ability of some men to justify the changing of partners time after time without notice or any good reason that they (the women) can see. To the uninitiated, the habits of these men are utterly unfathomable, heartless and despicable beyond words. The relationship appears to be on a high; laughter, a bonding of souls and spirits, and then from nowhere, a crash. The woman looks around and sees she's seated alone amidst the debris of what was once a beautiful relationship.
Women sit in groups and small clusters and curse this manner of man and all who might be related to him and if the world was a fair place as far as these women are concerned, this man would be condemned to a living hell, a life of penury and worthlessness and all the other things people wish unto those that hurt them.
The serial monogamist is the rarest of creatures, able to justify to himself without any qualms and time after time why he should walk away from one relationship, then the next and then the next, ad infintum. To the man in this equation, he has done no wrong and cannot figure what the ruckus that follows his 'escapes' are about. This piece is to analyze the mind of this type of man for the unknowing female.
Firstly, to this kind of man, there is no real difference between one relationship and the other. True, he recognizes the fact that the females are different, have separate attributes and he might care greatly for them in different ways, but most importantly, what the women must realize is that even if the girls are different, to him, it's still one long relationship. It's an issue of having one long affair with faces changing, much like a television soap where the characters come and go, but still you know you're watching "East Enders". The producer 'kills' off characters, introduces new ones but it's still the same show, the same credits rolling on the screen.
The cause of this is usually and primarily a deficiency on the part of the serial monogamist; a desire for fulfillment that can never be quietened by one female no matter how loving and adoring the female is. Some females think they can love a serial monogamist out of his ways but find after a while, it's a mission-impossible. It goes to the very make-up and psyche of this man and even though he knows a he leaves a trail of hurt behind, he cannot help himself. He does not do multiple relationships, he just changes partners time after time.
How does the Whisperer know so much about this type of man? Has he been a serial monogamist in a previous life? He pleads the right to silence. However the cure to this syndrome will never be found in different partners as the serial monogamist might think. No matter how sweet a partner is, the answer to the problem can only be found in the 'monogamist' himself. He must recognize like the poet Rudyard Kipling wrote in that famous piece about women that "the more you have had of the ladies, the less you will settle to one".
A man who has perfected the art of entering and leaving relationships time after will find it almost impossible to stay in any one relationship except he seeks therapy, whether self-applied or professionally. Now, I am not asking any one, male or female, to stay in a relationship that is obviously counter-productive to his or her well-being. There are relationships you are not meant to stay in and being afraid others might term you as flaky does not mean you should settle for less than your worth.
What the Whisperer advises is patience, and a lot of it. Count one to a hundred, and then count back again, figuratively, before you start a relationship. Many people do not take kindly to being heart broken no matter how sweet they are, and if you are unfortunate to fall into the hands of psycho jane (or psycho jack as the case may be) and then say you really didn't know she (or he) was really not the person you wanted, be prepared for a hellish ride. They will come after you in real life and in your dreams, seek out your friends and work colleagues and generally seek the end of you (I bet we've all heard of someone like this). I've been the subject of 'crazy mary' attacks more than once and even though I easily weathered the storms, I learnt a very major lesson- I should have been patient. Why start something you can't finish? You hurt a lot of good people (the psychopaths don't count) and the pain is not worth the thrill of the hunt or whatever is the misguided determining factor in the initial pursuit.
We must sit and ask before we start any relationship, where we are going, and what the objective is. Do not listen to any girl that tells you 'we'll take it one day at a time' and 'where ever the wind blows, we'll go'. After a short while, if the partner is worth anything, many will want much more. The nesting instinct in a lot of women is a strong one and after some time, they tend to get tired of being buffetted by the wind and want to lay anchor. Look into the eyes, don't listen to her words in this matter. The eyes never lie.
A meaningful relationship should be exactly that, meaningful. So watch for the serial monogamist, he's a sweet appealing man, with a high turn-over of girlfriends and partners and every woman who has deluded herself that she'd be the one to 'cure' him has paid a very heavy price in heartache. Good things come to those who wait is what they say and patience can save all parties from heartache.
A thing of beauty is a joy forever, the famous poet said. There are few things in the world that can match the beauty of a sunrise or that of a lasting, fulfilling relationship, these things of wonder that will come to you, if you can only be patient.