The Girl Whisperer
as published by the Sunday Guardian
THE ONE-WOMAN MAN
There are many who consider the phrase, ‘a one-woman man’, a contradiction in terms. They say there is no such thing and it is a waste of time trying to find a specie that went extinctb along with the dinosaurs. They say the very fact that a person is of the male gender automatically makes him prone to skirt-chasing, to sowing wild oats, playing the field and all those other things men are infamous for. Even society expects it of him. There are females who would be disturbed if their men did not chase other women. They sigh, almost with pride and say, ‘Well, as long as he respects me and does not bring his strays home, he can do what he likes. After all, he is a man’.
I sat watching American comedians last night on a DVD and this particular fellow introduced as ‘Capone’ wandered onto the set in an over-sized suit and a fedora. He said, ‘if you want to keep your man to yourself, surprise him one day as he returns from work. Dress up in a ninja suit and snarl at him and no matter what he says, don’t reply like you normally would. Be a ninja, be intimate in a different way and do that from time to time in your relationship’. He seemed sure that if there were pleasant surprises at the home front, there would be little appeal for whatever was being offered outside. It reminded me of what a friend advised once-, ‘if you want to eat rice daily, you must learn to garnish it in different ways’. And that is what it is. Staying with the same person for the rest of your life is eating rice every day and for your own good as well as the good of the relationship, you have to continue to reinvent yourself, to be new every morning.
Sometimes, it is complacency on the part of one partner that makes the man (or the woman) go out in search of adventure. There are many times when one or both partners can’t be bothered to make the effort to look good for the other, to smell nice, to dress well. They look dowdy, weather-beaten, unkempt and it is a strong man or woman who wakes up to see a bad-breathed Godzilla or Queen Kong next to himself or herself daily for years, and does not have a sinking feeling in the pit of his or her stomach.
The person who wants a partner to be faithful must be ready to go through the ‘ordeal’ of trying to remain attractive. There is no man who is not attracted to lovely, well kept females. It does not necessarily have to be an attraction based on lust but nevertheless, it remains an attraction.
What does the Whisperer think? Is it possible that like the natural-born criminal that is often the subject of discourse in criminology, there are men (and women) who will chase after other people because there is some kind of pre-programming in them that forces them to pursue even if they would rather stay still? Is there some instinct in some men or women that compels them to stray, much the same way wanderlust forces some to travel around the world, unable to place roots anywhere?
The human mind is a wonderful thing and the excuse that ‘men cannot help being themselves’ is the oldest trick in the book. People are capable of helping themselves. If you condition your body to do push-ups, sit-ups and crunches, it comes easier to you than it would to most people. Much the same way, if a person trains his mind and his body to remain harnessed in one position and with one person, that’s the way it will be. Often, however, we have no real desire to remain with one person, we want to taste all the pleasures of the world, sip nectar in Italy, eat dates in Egypyt, drink sake in Japan.
We have no desire to be tied for the rest of our lives, so we play the field, often finding no real pleasure but continuing all the same because it is the way our minds and bodies are trained.
The banker that does not steal wasn’t born that way, he is probably self-indoctrinated, knows stealing is wrong and seeks to reinforce these leanings.
If you teach the body to wake up every morning and cycle three miles, it gets used to it. What is essential is the will, the determination not to be the way everyone else is. The Whisperer advices that when you find someone you would rather not hurt, whom you want to spend the rest of your life with, sit and ponder and make a decision to stay still, to be a one-woman man.
Staying on your side of the field has many pleasures.