Saturday, September 29, 2007

Ebun Olatoye, is widely known as one of the most prominent writers at True Love Magazine. Her strong interest in designs was not common knowledge, however, until now. Information about these designs can be obtained from her blog.
Below is the blog profile.

"The idea of this blog is to feature local and global design events which will inspire creativity in Nigerian artists. Photographer Ade Omolaja says "Design is Fundamental" and I agree. This is why we have collaborated to create this blog which hopefully will show Nigerians the creative genius of their counterparts around the world, and more importantly, show the world the wealth of creative genius that Nigerians have to offer. Design is indeed fundamental and the success of cities like London, Dubai and Singapore are some examples of how design and creativity can be employed to make the world pay attention. We look forward to the day when Nigeria will make the world pay attention to our creative genius."

Go to Ebun's
Bembele's Philosophy

What appears to be
might not actually be what is.
Appearance and reality more often than not
are never one and the same.


Words are beautiful.
You can weave them to create whatever you want.
They are without conscience;
good and evil, they express both justifiably.
Opposite forces accurately accounted for

-Abimbola 'Bembele' Akindele

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Met with Stella Damasus at her home yesterday to discuss the new take-off date of the TV programme, "The World through My Eyes", the Diva's major project which she will be hosting and laspapi producing.
Sometime in October, we start on S-TV before spreading the word on other channels, and for those of you who have fled these shores, we promise an arrangement with TV stations in your areas, you Londonese people particularly.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Bloody Monday

Just a few weeks ago, Bose, who's a doctor at the Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH), sent e-mail around to her friends, asking for blood donors because Nigerian hospitals have a severe shortage. I blogged about the need and forgot about it for a while until four or five days ago when someone dear to me called to say her mother was in hospital. The issue again, blood.

So after rehearsals on saturday, I went with four members of the cast to LUTH. It was time to give blood. We sat waiting outside the donation point where someone pointed out baba eje (The Blood Father)to us. Baba eje makes a living at LUTH from getting blood touts to come sell blood to those in need. Blood Touts? A large sign outside the room read, "No blood Touts allowed" meaning it is a recognized profession, even if illegal. Some of the touts I saw and who were chased away by the lab attendants, looked as if they were in need of blood themselves. Baba Eje would collect N4000 from desperate families and get some lean and hungry fellow come give his life-force. The giver would be given N500 or so. The level of poverty in some classes in Nigeria needs to be revisited by our government.

When it was my turn, the female lab attendant jabbed my finger and let the blood from the pin-prick drop into a solution to see if my blood was suitable. It was and I was made to climb a high couch after which she began to look for a vein she could take the pint of blood from.

Now to laspapi's anatomy: I've never had the knotted, raised veins a lot of males have. Yes, there are veins visible on the back of my hands like everyone else's, but my forearm and all don't have a maze of raised veins like we see sometimes. (Here's where you take a quick look at your own arms).

She searched, poked, tapped, and then proceeded to jab her needle with the blood bag attached into my arm in 3 different places. No blood flowed. As an aside, even though I have donated blood 3ce or so over the years, I hate pain, am not into sado-masochism and don't derive pleasure from being used as a needle cushion. Anyway, after a wait of more than one and half hours with no blood flowing, I left. My cast members teased me saying the lab tech had a crush on me and had deliberately kept me behind till everyone else had left.

Monday Morning, I reported there with my friends, Kenneth Uphopho and Iyanu. They wouldn't let Iyanu give blood, something to do with her just having concluded her monthly cycle but I was made to return to my high couch. This time, three other females (lab technicians) inspected my arms closely, commenting on their smoothness.

I played macho, "I might not have veins but I lift weights daily" (which is true). I knew a little of how Jesus must have felt because I was tempted (from the fear of needles) to jump off the cross of blood donations. "Let this cup pass away from me", I thought. I was still contemplating fleeing the room, knowing I couldn't take saturday's experimentation again, when a male supervisor entered the room. He wasn't impressed by my "smooth" skin. With a yank of my hand, he asked, "What do you mean you cant find veins? Isn't this a vein? Isn't this another?" And in one swift motion, there was a needle embedded in my arm. The blood flowed.

It's beautiful to lift ourselves above the mess life can be sometimes; to do something noble, something worthy. So, give blood donations a thought, brother must help brother. The blood you give may save a life.
When the whisper becomes a scream...

(I get mail from people concerning the "Girl Whisperer" articles published in the Guardian every week. Some are really touching, some leave me open-mouthed. I delete the crazy ones but I kept a few. See below)

my name is phina,plz i wnt to no more about big brother
africa i will like to be one of them.
plz sir mail me buy tomorrow ,dis is my contact
...(Phone Number obscured by laspapi. This was sent in response to the article, 'Big Brother is watching you'. The article had a picture of Meryll, the fresh evictee from the reality show)

Subject: my lover (from john ....) Sweet,i love you so mush,try as much as possible to mail me.Or if you want to know me better,you can call this number 0803....Please is very important. (Photos of females placed on the Whisperer page confuse the dim as to the gender of this writer)

Hi Baby Girl,
How are you doing?
I love you baby my name is Emma from Abuja FCT. I came across your photograph in one of your magazines.
I love you so much, Bbay, you are looking cool and sweet.
send me your phone number for further communication.
Get back to me as soon as possible.

Thanks Bye Baby


and then to the insane:

from "Lady Duvine"

Hi Laspapi, I read your blog regularly and I must say I really enjoy it! I also never miss the girl whisperer on sundays. Just read your latest post, you are in luck! I am a thorough bred, anais anais (my favourite perfume) perfumed lady. I ll be at your 3pm show today, would love to meet you, I am assuming you are single, ofcourse.


This one claimed to have been at my shows but I think I know who the jobless slug is.

from "kiette Peters" i have held back from sending you this mail, becasue i don't know what you will think of me. i have attended some of your shows and i really enjoyed them. i like you a lot, if i can be forward, but i will stop there.
i hate to be rejected, so i wait for a go on signal. can you be chased or are you taken?

laspapi's reply: Intriguing e-mail, Ms. Peters. Why don't you come to another show and introduce yourself after?

Enjoy your weekend.

"kiette Peters" Hello,

Sorry I haven't been here. Would have replied last week, but my system went off, and it just got fixed.

Unless I find a way of coming to the shows alone, I cannot introduce myself. But I will have to explain to my boyfriend why I want to go for the show alone. We live together. He also loved your show, but has been quite busy else we would have come again.
Sometime soon

I couldn't be bothered with the charade anymore so I let the imbecile be.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

as published by

the Sunday Guardian of Sept 23

When Love Can’t Pay The Rent

“Boy, nothing in life is free, that’s why I’m asking you, what can you do for me? I’ve got responsibilities, so I’m looking for a man who’s got some money in his hands... no romance without finance”. The lyrics of a hit song a few years back. Men tend to look at women who demand their men have a certain level of comfort, in a judgemental way, regarding this type of woman as overly material, but the truth is, the giddiest romance will die in the face of continuous battering by financial adversity. There are few love stories that can withstand the assault of having little or no money, of having to scratch and scrounge to live from day to day; year in, year out.

This is not a one-way thing. The reality of the times demands that even women must pull their financial weight in relationships too. Women cannot seek equality in the work place, in politics and social recognition but balk at equality in sharing the financial burdens that face couples. Some females are selective in the issues they want equality in, stepping back from all things monetary. Even though it has been the norm for men to be the hunter-gatherers, the world is rapidly evolving and those who will not bear responsibility, no matter which gender, are quickly left behind. Two are better than one, is what the good book says, and a relationship in which the woman participates, is one that is financially secure.

The idealist might ask, “Isn’t this being too clinical about relationships? Where’s the zing? The head rush? The palpitations of the heart? The cold sweats and tremors that wake you up at night? Where’s the romance that we all live for?” I am afraid that even though those things are important in a relationship, it will not sustain a union.
It’s simple really, one person might make enough for both to scrape along on, but two will make double that.

This isn’t about women (or men) seeking out and marrying millionaires, far from it, but you should only hook up with a guy (or girl) who has potential or the partnership becomes a wasted enterprise. If you have ever gone to bed hungry for whatever reason, without access to food until the next day, you will know the feeling. Now imagine this as a way of life, not sure where the next mortgage payment will come from, or the next car instalment, or the school fees for the kids. Yeah, life can be hard.

The alleys of life are littered with many broken dreams and aspirations that were suffocated at birth, mostly because of having a partner, deliberately or otherwise, plucking the feathers of the other, and preventing the aspiring one from flying. It does not matter what kind of background you’re from, you have a right to decide what kind of future you want. It is legitimate to want to be successful, to want to be comfortable, and if your partner does not see eye to eye with you in that regard, you will have serious issues to deal with. Many people will tell you, they just want to be “okay”, whatever that means. In matters like this, seek clarification so you do not end up with a weight around your neck. As Bill Clinton first said of Monica Lewinsky, “I did not have intercourse with that woman”. It was technically not a lie, because Big Bill’s definition of intercourse apparently did not include whatever he and Monica got up to.

Being “okay” in the financial sense for some might involve a couple of good cars, a comfortable house with their names on the title deeds and a bank account/financial portfolio that make them smile no matter how grey the clouds are. I agree with this. If I haven’t gotten there yet, I’m working my way towards it and my partner had better be too, or one day, I’ll be a grizzled old man, wondering in a daze, “what happened?” as young Turks zip past me.

There are very important aspects to a relationship including emotional security, but we should learn never to forget that finances are important to, and your partner should be one that motivates you in that area as well. Money is not the root of all evil, it is the unbridled lust for, and the desire to obtain it by any means necessary, that can be evil. Instead, look to the term, “money is a defence”. It is.
laspapi's stage play, "Prison Chronicles" was staged at Terra Kulture last night. Among the Theatre@Terra audience were members of the gang,the lawyers- Jide Bello and Temitayo Etomi, (Jide asking me to slash my gate fee so I'd have more people - still trying to figure the pros and cons of that), the blogger- Ore, the gynaecologist and lecturer at Luth- Bose Afolabi, Funmi Iyanda, Susan Eyo-Honesty -Deputy Editor of "City People", Yetunde Allen of Lateral Links and Gboyega Banjo- former GM of the Muson Centre amongst others.

Funmi (who playfully declares herself as my chief groupie, first announced the genius of laspapi to the world many years ago. I would stand by her to the death) discussed with me and some of the gang after the 2nd show as to how we could sustain the momentum we'd gained at Terra.

I've got friends and I'm thankful.

ps- ~mimi~ I remain your chief groupie for life o!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Pareto Principle

The Pareto Principle states that 20% of your priorities will give you 80% of your results.

The Pareto Principle is also referred to as the 20/80 principle.

For example; 20% of your time produces 80% of your results.

20% of the people control 80% of the wealth.

20% of the products bring in 80% of the profit.

20% of the people contribute 80% of the money.

20% of the people in a group make 80% of the decisions.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Weekend Diaries

I had a great time over the weekend.

I was asked to MC a concert at the Muson Centre on Saturday, titled The return of Keji Hamilton. Organized by the UK based Charles Akpom of Exousia Entertainment and his brother, Fidelis Akpom, it featured Fela Anikulapo's former band member, Keji (who was the inspiration for Fela's cry "kere keji keke, yah!").

Keji who was part of Fela's "Beast of No Nation", "Army Arrangement", "Teacher, Don't Teach Me Nonsense" and many other songs is now his own man, pastors a church, is involved with the rehabilition of social derelicts but has remained true to the Afro-Beat, but with a strong Christian theme.

Of note also at the event, was the return of Mandy Brown (Ojugbana) of "Taxi Driver" fame, who sang alongside Keji at the event, and whose voice reminded us all of why her song ruled the airwaves for such a long time and can't be forgotten. Mandy Brown moved to the UK a short while after that massive hit but is back in the country now.

Yinka Davies, who without doubt is one of this country's best products ever, complemented the event in her "usual unusual" style, doing an impromptu duet with the music producer, Cobhams Emmanuel Asuquo.

ps. Mandy Brown is happily married to a prominent blogger, but he'll have to tell you himself. It was a pleasure to talk to him at the event.

Then I got into my car and drove to Kayode Krakue's birthday bash at his home which was filled to the brim. All the usual suspects, the actor- Bolaji Alonge, the TV producer and director- Kayode Peters, the comedians- Basket Mouth and Talkative, the Musician- Rugged Man and many many others made the place great fun. I also ...ahem... learnt that the new dances involve close contact between the male and the female, the female doing most of the contacting. There were quite a number of dance partners willing to teach me. I really must get out of the theatre more.

Sunday was a continuation of Theatre@Terra with Crown Troupe's Dance Drama Performances of "Exodus" and "Monkey Post". Next Sunday (the 23rd) will be the turn of Prison Chronicles, a stage play written and directed by laspapi, and The Sound and The Fury, the week after.
The Girl Whisperer

as published by the Sunday Guardian

of September 16


Many decades ago, George Orwell, writer of “Animal Farm”, wrote a work of fiction titled “1984”. A futuristic piece in which everyone lived in a perfect society that was strictly ruled by a government that acted as overseer in all issues, no matter how trivial. There were cameras in apartments that recorded all citizens did (this book was written in 1949); security forces that arrested law-breakers, and rebukes as well as punishments were instantaneous for those who contravened the laws of the State.

Sometimes in the developing world, we appear faced with a Big Brother State without the advantage of living in a perfect society. Up until today in many places, women are not allowed to wear trousers, fraternize with non-family male members and are frowned at, when they smoke cigarettes.

For many women, it appears the entire world is watching, screening every act, weighing every motive, judging…

Men relatively have it easier in these matters, often being able to have the best of both worlds. A man who recklessly makes love to all comers is termed a “player” sowing his wild oats, while his female equivalent is, well, easy. Women, generally, are expected to accept their lot when they become permanently attached to a man with wandering eyes whilst judgement is swift and harsh when a woman in a serious relationship makes the mistake of having a liaison with another man. It’s amazing how the scales of judgement differ in these matters, expecting higher ideals and standards from women.

Today, I “accidentally” joined the rest of the race of drooling men who sit to watch Big Brother’s shower hour daily. I’d seen the adverts of the South African reality show on Television. It went something like this- “56 countries, 800 million people, with one goal; Big Brother’s shower hour”. Showing on the screen were men and women in varying degrees of nakedness in a communal shower, and I understood why 80 million people (men, mostly, I suspect), would want to watch this. It wasn’t about seeing the biceps on the men; it was about seeing women of all shapes and sizes in various states of undress. Talk about living in a fishbowl world (even if these ones consented to reside there). Of interest to me was the Nigerian girl, conservative, as far as I have seen, and reminiscent of our entry to the first Big Brother Africa House. Bayo, they called him. This female appears, well, kind of moderate. She’s just there, like Bayo was, not particularly expressing creative inclinations. I am of the firm opinion that the South African producers of that programme are in a massive conspiracy not to ever put the quintessential, bubbly, charming Nigerian in that forum, because our average citizen would win hands down, but I digress with my conspiracy theory.

So I sat and watched as even this “quiet” Nigerian entry to the Big Brother House, flashed some skin as she “casually” unwrapped a towel after taking a bath in what looked like sack clothing. “Interesting”, I thought, “the things we can do, depending on whether the society we live in, accepts it”. Ours is a community where a University tells its females, they will not be allowed to graduate until tests show they are not pregnant or have Sexually Transmitted Diseases. A society where women dare not rent apartments of their own but must continue to stay with parents because they might be termed “loose” and might not find husbands, where women over the age of twenty-eight have palpitations, sleepless nights and heart tremors because they aren’t married yet and are under incredible pressure from family and society to produce a partner no matter how unsuitable this partner might be.

The Girl Whisperer has a word for these women, no matter how hard it might seem, “be yourself no matter what they say”.
The Future… Awards 2008!

Chude and his people are at it again. The organizers of the most important youth achievement recognition awards in Nigeria are back with the 2008 instalment. The Awards are for those aged 30 and below but the magnificence of the ceremony is that some of the most respected Nigerians of all generations take part in the selection, auditing, organization etc. Here's a sample:

Yemi Osindero- COO of Virgin Nigeria, Funmi Omogbenigun- head, corporate communications in MTN, Siene Alwell-Brown of the NLNG, Seye Kehinde- publisher of City people, Simon Kolawole- editor of Thisday, Eugenia Abu of the NTA, Tajudeen Adepetu, who runs Soundcity, Reuben Abati, Tosan Jemide, Mo Abudu of Vic Lawrence & Associates, Bolanle Austen-Peters of Terra Kulture, Hafsat Abiola-Costello, Judith Burdin Asuni, Nike Awoyinka of Common Ground Productions, Ndidi Nwuneli of LEAP Africa, Abike Dabiri and Dapo Olorunyomi, Chief of Staff in the EFCC. There are many more.

See the full details here and here

Thursday, September 13, 2007


In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make your woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

Simple duties:

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow/rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while,
then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-80)

Her birthday:

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalised license plate GR8 N BED) (-15)

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called Deathcop 3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirt (-30)
You say, "it doesn't matter, you have one, too." (-8000)

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-1)
(Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)


When she wants to talk about a problem
You listen, displaying what looks a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+1000)
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-2000)
Remember this always-

"God determines who walks into
our life; it is up to us to decide who we let walk
away, who we let stay, and who we refuse to let go."

Saturday, September 08, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

as published in the Sunday Guardian

September 9

Loving in Multiples

Omohemi Benson sent an article to some of her friends and I, titled, “Why men are never depressed”, stating the many differences between men and women. One of the many things that struck me in that article was a line that said men could spend thirty seconds on the phone and say goodbye. I’d known for a long while that women found this trait in men really disturbing; after all, in a telephone conversation, you’re meant to ramble on, go back and forth, raise up matters of earth-shaking importance, or all other things women feel should be mulled over, worried about and torn to pieces in gossip…but I digress. Some other points were, men are comfortable with just owning three pairs of shoes, and if by some omission they were forgotten in a list of invites to a party, they would not have a life-long feud with the person who forgot.

My point exactly? If there is anyone walking the face of the earth who thinks men and women are the same, the person has not figured it all out yet. The woman who complains to you about her day often does not really want a solution; she wants your empathy, for you to show concern, primarily. A man’s instinct on the other hand is to conjure a solution. “Do it this way, dammit, and stop whining”, the man says, much to the chagrin of the female who is looking for a listening ear. Men and women sit in trenches across from each other, in army uniforms, guns poking out from time to time, with a large expanse of no man’s land between them, littered with the slain bodies of misconceptions, misunderstandings and all the other things that fuel friction in relationships.

The difference I want to talk about is something that some women have not figured out yet even though they know more about the male sex than is healthy for most “criminally-minded” men. The regular woman is able to sense when a partner is cheating, through observation, looking him in the eye, through some form of extra-sensory perception that men lose before they turn six years old. She looks and she just knows, even without being able to tell the reason why, most of the time. She might never do anything about this knowledge, wearily resigning to the excesses of the philanderer and accepting his lying heart as her lot in life, but when she sets her mind to it, she knows and is sometimes silent. This is why many men, in their hearts, are afraid of the women who have stood with them through many years of uncontrolled urges. There is one thing, however, that women do not seem to be able to grasp even with the innate powers they appear blessed with.

Men can “love” in multiples. The same way a man can have an intimate engagement with someone he feels absolutely nothing for, is the same way he can “love” different women for different reasons. Angry women will call this ability many things, and those men who practice it, even worse names, but it does not change the reality of how men act sometimes.

A man will “love” one woman for her great mind and her playful spirit, for the length of her legs and for the fact that she is very attractive and delightful to look at. He will love another for her beauty and for her smile that lights up a room. These “loves” will be in separate compartments and when he says, “I love you” to either, he means it from the bottom of his heart (or the top, depending on your preference).

Are you starting to get my point? Men have this ability (many, many women will call it a vice) of “loving” in multiples.

This is no excuse for the inability of some men to control themselves, but women should know that not all “I love you(s) are as simple as they sound. Seek for clarity from the man involved- Is he able to keep all his professions of love for your benefit alone? If he cannot, and you are unable to accept this, better to look for the fellow who can.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

SAFETY TIPS FOR WOMEN (found these in my yahoo! archives)

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your
body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you.....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the
back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy.
The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,
eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, making up, or making a
list,etc. DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or
parking garage:
a. Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the
passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
c. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control,
ALWAYS RUN!. The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. Women are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It
may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women.
He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
Have you ever wondered where common customs or sayings originate?

Cast your mind back to England in the 1500s, where, according to folklore passed down through generations, these customs were apparently common:

Many people got married in June because they had just taken their yearly bath in May, and still smelled (relatively) sweet! However, as they were staring to smell a little, the bride carried a bouquet of flowers to mask any developing odour.

Hence the custom for brides to carry a bouquet.

The annual bath consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. the man of the house, as befitting his rank, took the first bath in the nice clean water, followed by all the other men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all came the babies. By then, the water was so dirty you could really lose someone in it - hence the saying: "Don't throw the baby with the bath water."

While families ate mainly vegetables, sometimes they were fortunate enough to obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was therefore a sign of wealth if a man could "bring home the bacon".

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving $25.00 cars that go 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have
to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows,
shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue.For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre, such as a left turn, would
cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was ultra
reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would
run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would
all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle,turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would
in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Poltically Incorrect. Poached this picture from Be Silent.

Monday, September 03, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

as published by the Sunday Guardian

September 2

Long Distance Loving

We all know someone who has a relationship with another who's resident in North America, in Great Britain, in Eastern or Western Europe. “Where’s your fiancĂ©”, you ask. “Ah, he’s abroad. We’ll be getting married soon” is the answer, or “We’re married, he’ll be home after he’s worked awhile”.
The reality of the economics of Africa has forced a large part of the middle class of this continent, abroad, in search of meaningful existence. In almost every family, there is a son or daughter away, sometimes up to three or even four, building new lives, setting up new homesteads, sending aid to the home front to make those left behind live more comfortable lives.

However, sometimes, relocation forces some to leave loved ones behind in the search for new frontiers. Married and unmarried partners often separate for many years, developing, maturing, away from each other because of the peculiarity of the economic situation. Others, believing home is best, develop relationships with potential mates back home, some whom they have never met, the relationship developing via e-mail and telephone conversations.

The point to ponder now- Can long distance relationships work? Can someone who lives six thousand miles away maintain a healthy relationship with a partner whom he or she rarely sees? I once had a neighbour whose husband lived continents away. For two years, she only spoke to him through the phone. I wondered about many things concerning that relationship. What happened when the man had the need to be physically intimate, when he wanted to spend time with another? Would memories of a mate thousands of miles away keep him on the “straight and narrow” path or would he seek intimacy at the hands of someone closer?

What happened in moments when he felt like sharing his joys, his achievements or his pain? Whom would he turn to at those times and wouldn’t whomsoever he shared these with, hold a bigger claim to his heart and his emotions than his partner back home?
There is a myth that women are not as susceptible to the need to be physical as men are, that women can stand long periods of separation from their men and not seek solace in the arms of others. I will be honest; there is very little difference between men and women in this regard. A man who is of the opinion that his mate can spend two or three years away from him and not fall into the hands of another, lives in wonderland and is probably dating Alice.
The things that can damage a relationship are not only things that have to do with intimacy.

The emotional growth or independence of one person in the absence of the other can be damaging as well. As a partner moves from one milestone to another, he or she begins to feel that there is nothing in common with the absent partner. When there is a reunion, if ever, there is a chasm that is sometimes too wide to bridge, a gulf between the partners that might be the beginning of negative things.

The dangers are a reality that few accept to face in their relationships, denial being the way many people cope with what is termed a necessary evil. However, the chances are high, that long-distance partners will wander, either in their hearts or in their bodies far from each other.
Partners should do their best to minimise separations except they are willing to risk wandering hearts and minds.

Some will say the Whisperer is not being realistic, and that the need to survive overrides minor things like separation for a couple of years. Maybe. The flip side is that if the relationship you are in, really matters to you and if you believe, you have found the love of your life, it would be wiser to shorten the period of separation between you and this person to an absolute minimum.