A-Z of Nigeria

A is for AC or the Action Congress: A new political party set up to counter the AD. Its symbol is a hand holding a broom. Cynics say it is to sweep out what politicians and other parties have forgotten to loot from the treasury over the last 7 years.

B is for Babangida, a self-acclaimed ‘evil genius’. One of those responsible for Nigeria’s financial ruin, his toothy smile ensures Nigerians have selective amnesia when it comes to his wrong-doings.

C is for Chris- Ngige, Uba, Oyakhilome and Okotie. All with religious connections, whether to the Okija Shrine, Joshua’s synagogue or the Pentecostal Church. A multiplicity of the name ‘Chris’ would become ‘Crisis’.

D is for David Mark, once a military minister and now a senator. He made the classic statement: ‘Telephones are not for the poor’, years back. Since he’d used Nigerian funds to buy up golf courses in Ireland, there might have been some truth in his words.

E is for Embassy. It doesn’t matter which country’s. A favourite destination of Nigerians who’ve lost all hope or are just too leery of the future of the country. Embassy may be replaced with the word ‘High Commission’.

F is for Football, the painkiller of the Nigerian populace.

G is for the Governors- a motley crew. This band of brothers is regarded by many as one of the most corrupt to ever step to prominence in the country. Prominent among them are-
-Diepriye Alamayiesigha, Governor of Bayelsa who fled the UK on money laundering charges. He re-entered Nigeria disguised a s a woman and is now serving time in prison here.
-Dariye, the Plateau State Governor who jumped bail in England for money laundering offences. He was eventually impeached by 6 law-makers in a 24-legislator house. The disregard for the rule of law in Nigeria has its advantages.
-Ngige who connived with his godfather to rig elections that made him lord of Anambra
-Fayose of Ekiti alleged to be a thief and a murderer.

H is for helpless. The sinking feeling Nigerians have as they watch events like the above show the kind of people in power.

I is for India- Producers of 90% of the fake drugs on the Nigerian market.

J is for Janded- A peculiar class of Nigerians normally resident abroad. They may be identified by their accents, nice clothing and bewildered looks on the streets of Lagos in the mayhem everyday -Nigerians accept as normal.

K is for ‘Kill and Go’ also known as the Nigerian Police. The name speaks for itself.

L is for LASTMA- One of the nation’s most corrupt law enforcement agencies. Based in Lagos, officers of this traffic management authority seek to outdo the Nigerian Police and local government traffic officials in how far down they can sink in the mire of graft, filth and sleaze.

M is for the Middle Class. A non-existent social group in Nigeria which fled as the economy was systematically looted by its leaders. Members of this group foolhardy enough to stay, became paupers.
M is also for Medical Doctors- There are 25,000 Nigerian doctors practising in the U.S. Since our universities only produce 2,500 a year, it shows a decade of life-savers have sought a better life outside.

N is for the Niger Delta- A no-go area for Caucasians and oil workers because of its high abduction rate. Guns are bandied freely in its creeks and piracy is rampant. Half-Castes and albinos are subject to kidnap attempts in this region too. In the on-going ‘profitable’ fracas, many have forgotten the original cause of the ‘war’.

O is for OBJ, the Nigerian President who has placed far-reaching economic reforms unlike any other before him. Side by side with this positive trait is a vindictive nature without parallel. He does not forgive slights or perceived insults and has many times set houses on fire to catch erring mice. Go figure.

P is for the Passport Office. See the letter E.

Q is for "Quick, Hide!". The fear of E.F.C.C. is the beginning of wisdom.

R is for ‘Rugged Man’- A Nigerian musician. The name is also apt for all those who have survived in this environment for more than a decade.

S is for Salisu Buhari, the 29 year old who became the Speaker of the Federal House of Reps and therefore the 4th most powerful man in the land. He had lied that he was 35 and that he graduated from the University of Toronto. He was found out and sentenced to six months in prison or a N5,000 ($480) fine. The polo-playing Northern millionaire chose to pay the fine.

T is for Tafa Balogun, Nigeria’s former Inspector General of Police. His security skills were criticized but not his ability to siphon funds. He stole N17 billion from government coffers and was jailed for 6 months. This thieving lunatic’s final words in court? “I will bounce back”. ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the rest of your master’.

U is for the Uba brothers, Chris and Andy. Chris abducted Ngige, governor of Anambra, with the help of the Police and locked him up in a toilet. He had made Ngige governor and wanted his N5billion payback. Ngige who had sworn to do this in a pagan shrine before he was made Governor, suddenly had an attack of conscience and reneged on the deal. In the ensuing violent fracas that turned Anambra into a War Zone, Chris Uba overcame and deposed the governor. He was rewarded with a diplomatic passport by the federal government.
Andy Uba, Personal Assistant to President OBJ, has indicated his intention of becoming Anambra’s next Governor. The real winner of Chris Uba’s rigged elections, Peter Obi who came into power after Ngige’s removal, has been ‘impeached’ and himself removed in readiness for this. Unfortunately for Andy, there’s a claim that the FBI in the U.S. are investigating him for money-laundering related offences.

V is for Volcano. Where we’d like to enclose Nigeria’s politicians.

W is for ‘Dubya’ also known as George W. Bush. Too stretched in fighting wars around the world, he cannot send troops to protect American interests in Nigeria’s Niger Delta Region.

X is for X men. If only life gave us super powers: we’d set a new path.

Y is for Yahoo-Yahoo!, the new set of internet fraudsters in Nigeria. They pose as females or homosexuals on-line and seek out lonely, gullible foreigners who send large sums of money to them. Members of the group claim it is not advance fee fraud (419) but ‘Reparation’.

Z is for ‘Zambia shall be free’, since its unlikely Nigeria will be anytime soon from the shackles of ignorance, poverty and many other things.

© Wole Oguntokun 2006

Monkey see, Monkey do-Was locking my car doors on the way to see a client when I saw a monkey skip past somewhere off Osolo way. It wasn't a forest, well laid-out residences and a few offices occupied the entire street. Walking back to my car, I saw the monkey again so I approached its...ahem, friend, and asked if I could take a picture. He obliged even though the monkey appeared distinctly bored. I keep a cat, others like monkeys. Different strokes... 

Borishade, the man who was Minister of Aviation as planes crashed in Nigeria at different times was hastily deployed to the Ministry of Culture to avoid the backlash of grief and indignation.

"His Incompetency" must think he has escaped the truth. Grieving families, Traditional Rulers (The Sultan of Sokoto, His Son and Grandson), Preachers (Bimbo Odukoya), Children (The students of the Loyolla Jesuit College, Abuja), Fathers, Mothers, Lovers and many, many more. Let's ask for better hands at the helm of affairs.

You can add your signature to the petition for his removal by clicking here

For too long, we have accepted mediocrity. It's time to make ourselves heard.

I was driving slowly in traffic, along the marina towards Victoria Island two days ago, when I saw a group of people scuffling by a car parked on the sand near the waters. There was a policeman in the midst of the group and he appeared really offended. This 'copper' had on a red(?) vest showing he was on traffic detail. Apparently, the motorist was the offending party and quick as lightning, the policeman moved behind him and slapped him. It was a thunderous slap. The motorist, a slim tall man in his thirties, clutched at his face for about 3 seconds and without warning, slapped the policeman too, a reply that matched the velocity and force of the first. I cheered from within my car at the retaliation and watched as the policeman lunged at the motorist and began to grapple with him.
I also saw the other people in the crowd jostling the policeman seeking the courage to rain a few punches and kicks on this "keeper of the laws". A police seargent (female) who had been walking through the traffic to the commotion and then witnessed the mood of the crowd quickly turned back and merged with the scenery. Then the traffic moved and I lost my ringside seat.

The Nigerian Police Farce (sic) is not one that commands respect and a chance to throw a free kick at those sworn "to serve and protect with integrity" is one that many would be glad of. Someday, we'll get proper policemen who have the trust of the people. The policeman in Nigeria today is not your friend.

A day later, at Maryland, Ikeja, I had an altercation with a soldier just by the military cantonment. Neither of us yielded right of way to the other so this private 'somebody' driving his boss's car began to make abusive gestures and I, yielding to my baser nature, did likewise. After a while, he sprang out of his car yelling but kept his distance. I told him in a few unsavoury sentences the exact manner I would like him to leave the road. As other soldiers approached, he gathered courage, and moved closer to me, yelling: "He abused soja!"

As the other soldiers came closer, shouting "Who?", "Who?", I contemplated matter of factly which one of them I'd have to drive over to get out of the situation. An army seargent came close to the car "what happened, Sir?". I'd been in enough uniformed situations to understand he had no interest in my answer. He wanted to 1) Listen to my confidence 2) Smell my "fear" 3) size me up. That was no problem for me. After a few sentences, he told me, "You're a gentleman, Sir. Next time this kind of thing happens, don't bother to reply, just go your way. You know soldiers hate to hear a person is a lawyer". I'd "dropped" my vocation in the midst of the confrontation with the first. This "lawyer thing" is convenient atimes. I don't think "playwright" would have made as much of an impact on the company I had at that particular point.

Traffic had built up by this time and a commercial bus was parked right behind the soldier's car. In the bus, some unfortunate civilian had said something derogatory about the army as he watched my entanglement. I watched as the soldiers peered into the bus, in search of weaker prey. They yelled questions into its darkened interior, compelled the driver to park his vehicle and dragged the offending party out. He had failed "the test" and he was in for it. Then they waved me on, "You go, Sir". As I drove away, I thought to myself, "there but for the grace of God, go I".

Only the strong survive.

CORA held an extraordinary meeting at Deji 'R. Kelly' Toye's. The multi-purpose of the meet was to sort the affairs of the committee, celebrate Deji's birthday belatedly, his new apartment and his survival of a car crash. Deji's car fell off the bridge at Apongbon, Lagos Island, a couple of months ago, a distance of about 40 feet, and was turned to scrap when it hit the ground. Deji, a lawyer and co-author of The 3 Kobo Book, literarily walked away from the car on his own feet, suffering lacerations. I call him 'R. Kelly' because 'I believe I can fly'. I'm glad we can laugh about it now. Honda can have no greater advert for their car's safety measures than Deji.

(From left) Chris Ihidero-university lecturer and cultural activist, Jahman Anikulapo- Editor of the Guardian on Sunday, Life Magazine and Chair Person of CORA (The Committee for Relevant Art) and laspapi, at Deji Toye's after a CORA meeting. 

ko s'oro (No Comment). 

Met this hunter and his dogs on a lonely Ikenne road. When I asked him what he hunted, he said 'from rabbits upwards'. This is for you fellows who can't be bothered to check the archives for previous postings. 

I have variations of photos of this scene taken by Opeyemi Lawal. Venue was the LNG prize night (Saturday, Oct 7) for Literature (Drama) won by Ahmed Yerima with his book, 'Hard Ground'. Yerima went on to win the Association of Nigerian Authors Prize for drama as well, with the same book. With me in the picture is Bukola Sanu. 

Elder Steve Rhodes, the music maestro, gives his opinion on 'the gods are not to blame' to laspapi as the audience leaves the Agip Hall of the Muson Centre after the 2nd show. The gist of the matter was that he loved the production. As you can see, laspapi couldn't stop grinning.  

An ensemble of traditional musicians from Ibadan, Oyo State, strut their stuff in practice on the grounds of the Muson Centre during the just-concluded Muson Festival. There are other things in Oyo apart from Adedibu trying to oust a democratically elected governor.  

L.A. LAW- Lagos lawyers, Victoria (the bride) and Ivy, at Vicky's wedding in Lagos. Posted this picture a while back and was again struck by its details. 

The writer of the work of prose, Orita-Meta (Crossroads), Peju Alatishe is also an architect and super-model (ok, kidding about the supermodel bit). She intends to try her hand at drama and was meant to see laspapi's production of 'the gods are not to blame' for the Muson Festival to see how the...ahem...'masters' do their thing. Peju turned her car back at the Muson Centre, because she was feeling poorly. She's stronger now and is one of the personalities to contend with on the Nigerian literary scene. 

Had first seen this photo on mona's blog before my brother sent it to me. Apparently, its owner came prepared to the mosque, a place where you have to leave your footwear alongside hundreds on the outside of the building. Also heard on sky news today that the remains of one Private Venn of the British Army who went missing in action in 1944 during the 2nd World War were found in the grounds of a Housing Estate in Arnhem, The Netherlands. He was identified by his dental records in Britain. Yeah, a man who died more than 60 years ago had dental records still in existence. The forensic experts from Britain confirmed his identity through his chipped front tooth amongst other things and he was given a full military burial.


What about us? A country without a criminal database more than 46 years after independence, without fingerprinting technology (they had to import people from Britain over Funsho Williams's assassination), where statements of suspects are kept in handwritten sheets in dusty files and can be pulled out and burnt after a short while by those able to pay for these services?



Policemen at a checkpoint today stopped me as I drove two females to a prior appointment. "Come down", a dimunitive one in oversized clothing said, "we are here for stop and search".
I told him it was unfortunate he would be unable to search the females as he had no female officer beside him. He said with confidence, "But I can search their purse and their hair". Acording to him, a female was caught with 5 machine guns and ammo a few days ago (did she have these in her weave?), and by December, male police in Nigeria would be able to do full cavity searches of all females 'apart from their private parts'. He said, "after all, we're all adults". I decided to let him stew in the juices of his utter ignorance. What use would enlightenment serve on a mind like his? He didn't proceed wwith his search, probably waiting for December.



We are in the Stone-age where policing and security are concerned. If you were to buy a computer today, should you choose less than a Pentium IV? Same thing with the security of the people, the government should start from where the developed world has reached, not trust our fates in the hands of the Nigerian Police Farce (sic) as it is.


Little wonder then, that this man had a padlock on his slippers. It is a metaphor for the country; we must look out for ourselves in the interim.

GROWING PAINS

By rights, I should have a variety of incurable skin diseases now.

I grew up in the Surulere area of Lagos and before the housing estate known as the Iponri Estate was built, it was just one vast sandy wasteland with something that looked like a stream right in the centre of it. That stream had industrial waste from all the manufacturers at the Iganmu area pass through it. It also had an oily sheen all the time but we ‘Shell Club’ boys (that’s what our area was called) would do a 20-minute trek to go swim in those waters. We were all about 10 or 11 years old at this time and we were about 9 in number.

We gave ourselves military ranks and the ‘General’ was Ayo Idowu. His younger brother, Segun vacillated between the ranks of Brigadier and Sergeant. We were never sure which of these ranks he should be. I was a ‘Lieutenant General’, there was just something about that rank. I used to spend hours as a child poring over diagrams of military rankings. Did I miss my calling?

Along with us came Rashidi “Rash Boots” Thanni. He got this nickname because of his skills in soccer and also as a play on ‘Billy’s Boots’ , a character in the British comic, Tiger.
There was Debo “Billy Debs” Adeshipo (the youngest of us all, he was about 8 or 9) and his cousin, Bimbo "Bad News" Oladipo and a few others I cannot now readily remember. We had this register of names we ticked to mark attendance.

We’d play for hours in these dangerous waters, Rash Boots moving to one side and lying face down in the water practising holding his breath. Then we’d go home tired.

It took a long while before we were discovered. Debo Adeshipo went home one day and his father saw a streak of oil in his hair. He probably smelt like toxic waste too. So Debo’s father bundled him into the car and asked to be taken where the oil came from. Debo led his father on a merry-go-round for hours but saw reason after he was slapped a few times.

That was the end of the ‘mugba-mugba stars’. Mu’gba means to drink a calabash. I remember now that we called ourselves that because we were sometimes forced to drink the oily water as we struggled to free ourselves of the strange objects at the bed of the stream that often entangled our legs and attempted to drown us.

Are kids insane?

Behind our street at Gbajumo lay a school for the handicapped, “Atunda Olu”. They had a swimming pool which never seemed in use so we (the remnant of the mugba-mugba stars) would creep into the school after official hours or at weekends and sweep the algae that masked the surface of the pool aside and commence swimming. The pool wasn’t more than 4 feet deep and less than 10 feet wide but it was heaven for us.
Once in while, the guard of the school would come t

earing down to chase us away and we would flee in our underwear (we didn’t have trunks). Once I remember I ran the wrong way and appeared on the next street in my underwear. I don’t know how I made it home. Maybe I have selective amnesia in respect to this particular event.

I read Huckleberry Finn, Tom Brown’s School Days, Eze goes to school and many other great books in those days but I lived my own adventures.

Rashidi Thanni stayed with his step-mum, his father had died, and he and I (we were the closest in our set of friends) would sometimes go to the bar beach on the island, still aged 10 and 11 (I was older). We’d get there at 10am and swim without guidance for upwards of 6 hours. Then we would get on the bus back home (they were LSTC buses in those days). We’d notice the adults and other sane people kept their distance from us in these buses. Who wouldn’t have?

Our hair and all visible orifices would be caked with sand and our eyes bloodshot from all the salt water. Rash Boots on the walk from the bus-stop home would often pluck an eyelash and place it on his head. In this way, they would forget at home that he had been out for 8 hours.

Once I remember on one of these walks we saw a money note lying on the ground. I was the more impulsive and stooped to pick it but Rash Boots warned me against such madness. Kidnappers could have placed the money there as a lure to get kids and turn them into goats. So we both peed on the note to nullify whatever hex had been placed on it and thereafter had the courage to pick it up and spend it.

I miss my childhood and my best friend in those years, Rash Boots. He died after making his way to Europe, spending 3 years in Italy, 8 in England and fathering two daughters. My stage play, The Inheritors, is dedicated to him.

The years of childhood are beautiful years and full of wonder.

It’s why I love Wole Soyinka’s Ake.

It’s why I tell this story.

Donald Rumsfeld, The USA's Secretary of Defence, resigned today.

Why? The Republican Party of which he is a member, lost the mid-term polls elections to the Democrats. The Democrats swept the lower House (The House of Representatives) and need just one more seat (There's only the state of Virginia left) to have the majority in the Senate as well.

What do the elections have to do with a 'ministerial' post as the position of Rumsfeld would be known here? Easy. Rumsfeld is the face of the war in Iraq, a war which succeeded in ousting Sadam Hussein as dictator and killing both his sons but which also threw the land into something akin to a civil war. Unfortunately for the USA, the Iraqi insurgents are not only killing each other but also soldiers of the American Army and its allies. Needless to say, it is a war which has become highly unpopular in the USA itself and the rest of the world. Rumsfeld's policies had been publicly criticised by serving Army Officers as well as by many others.

Even the dramatic announcement of the death sentence for Sadam just two days to the elections for congress, for 'crimes against humanity', wasn't enough to stave off the punitive voting of American voters against George W. Bush's policies.

So, in a bid to damage-control, Rumsfeld was made the scapegoat by the government, an acknowledgement that the war in Iraq might not be as popular as 'Dubya' would like to paint it.

For me, it is worthy of note that a strong ally of the US president was used as a sacrifice to stem the tide of resentment against the government's war in Iraq. It could never happen in Nigeria. Men responsible for problems in the country are shifted from one position to the other rather than made to pay for their inadequacies. See the case of Aborishade, in whose tenure as Minister of Aviation, planes from two different airliners crashed at separate times. Rather than remove him, he was posted to the Ministry of Tourism and Culture. An indication that in Nigeria, many people are not placed in positions of authority on account of their merits.

The Republican party in America understood that it might have lost the Swing Vote and the Independent Vote, crucial to all elections, and the party sought to stem the wound.

We should pause and reflect on our government's insensitivity to the wishes of its people. If those who siezed power (we didn't vote for them) were sensitive to the people, governors would not be fighting for their lives now in our banana republic. Ladoja of Oyo State seeking to enforce a court order that reinstated him as governor and which order the Attorney General of the Federation for some unfathomable reason, says can't be enforced yet. Or Peter Obi of Anambra who was made Governor only in March after being rigged out of what was rightfully his by Chris Mba and his lackey, the ex governor Chris Ngige. Obi has now been removed by deranged men posing as legislators in Anambra. If you ask these 'law-makers' for their names, they will tell you 'Honourable'. Or Fayose, Governor of Ekiti State who is on the run after a Kangaroo impeachment and too many examples too numerous to follow.

It seems there is a massive conspiracy in the country Nigeria, a plan to ensure that everything burns, as already the fires have started, people killing themselves in Oyo as well as in Anambra.
Would this be so as to ensure a state of emergency over the entire country which would effectively curtail a transition?

This land eats its people. Let us pray.

Was almost home last night when I noticed a man leaning against a car, lighting a cigarette, shirt collar turned up. I drew my car closer closer to him, stared and called out, 'Don Pedro'. He looked up. It was Don Pedro Obaseki, Theatre Arts Ph.D. holder, Film and Trouble Maker. He and I have had several occasions to clash on panels on TV programmes and Arts discussions where we were both guests. Both of us shouting at each other mostly while cameras rolled. Obaseki has a tendency to make his points while standing over you.

He said he hadn't slept in the same place for three nights running.

Don Pedro's started with the acquisition of old film houses in Lagos, formally the exclusive preserve of the Pentecostal Churches. He intends to revive Community Cinemas, apparently. But the issue that causes him to be careful where he sleeps and has made him relocate his family abroad is his introduction of mobile film sellers kiosks around the country.

No longer will the 'Idumota boys' who've held the film industry by the ...ahem... be able to do so. The vending of films can be done on the streets now, breaking the stranglehold of the marketers who have accelerated the growth of the industry but also brought in mediocrity in many places.

It's prevented people like me from 'dabbling in the dew' all these years, the men in movie power appreciate only by their own standards. Obaseki called his move, "Interventionist", and I agree.

So well done, Don Pedro. May you find the strength and grace to continue. It's a New Era.

I think my barber's gay.

No, he didn't knead my scalp in an untoward way as he gave me a haircut. It just sort of dawned on me today. They call him 'God-bless'. Everybody apart from me, that is. I call him 'good evening'.

I looked at his moustache and beard today and I think it kind of gave him away. A thinner-than- Hitler type hairbrush moustache which continued in a thin line beyond his lips down his chin. A sort of thin vertical line starting from right under his nose past his lips down to the neck area.

And then, his 2nd assistant, slim, almost thin, always in a string sleeveless vest with a flaming red skull tatooed on his left bicep and a 'Jesus is Lord' cross on his right arm.

And then the 1st Assistant who wasn't there today, kind of effiminate, I remembered.

Strange thing to strike me after more than a year of using this barber shop. The assistants have been there for less time, though.

Nigeria is officially a nation of homophobes. That's the government stance and that of its policies too even though we say one thing and do other things.

Still, you can accept our being confused. Up until a few years ago, the psychology text books said homosexuality was a mental illness, then came the official American mental health change (Nigerian psychologists still havent caught up), and then came 'Will and Grace' and 'The Ellen Degeneres' Show.

The 'Gay Lords' are bolder here now though. A couple of years ago, drove up behind this nice car and saw the legend on a bumper sticker, 'We're here, we're queer, so get used to it'. I rapidly drew up beside it to get a good look at the driver and he calmly looked back at me. So there.

The TV show host, Funmi Iyanda on her 'New Dawn' interviewed Alimi who came out of the closet on National TV. The Television Authorities complained vehemently to Funmi for her 'excesses'.

The Anglican Church Chieftain in Nigeria, Rev. Akinola fought the American Church to a standstill on the issue of ordaining Gay Ministers. He was bold in adhering to the commandments of the Bible and refusing the new move. Time Magazine acknowledged that he stuck to his guns.

But maybe it's time we caught up with the rest of the world. Maybe not.

Here are the rules from the male side.

(Found this nestling in some old mail)

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

• 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
  down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  
  1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
  Let it be.
  
  1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And NO, we are never going to think of it that way.
  
  1. Crying is blackmail.
  
  1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
  Subtle hints do not work!
  Strong hints do not work!
  Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
  
  1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  
  1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
  we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  
  1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  
  1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
  all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  
  1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
  act like soap opera guys.
  
  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  
  1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
  makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one..
  
  1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
  Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  
  1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
  commercials.
  
  1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  
  1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
  Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
  Pumpkin is also a fruit.
  We have no idea what mauve is.
  
  1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  
  1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
  wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  
  1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
  don't want to hear.
  
  1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..
  Really.
  
  1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about, unless you are prepared to discuss
  such topics as football, the shotgun formation, or alloy wheels.
  
  1. You have enough clothes.
• 
  1. You have too many shoes.
  
  1. I AM in shape. Round is a shape.
  
  

Maybe the only thing Nigeria has going for it is the Arts.



The Unsolved Murders

• Dele Giwa -Journalist (died at breakfast from a letter bomb explosion)
• Alfred Rewane-Politician (Sliced to ribbons in his bed)
• Kudirat Abiola-Activist and wife of MKO (Assassinated by a roadside)
• MKO Abiola-Elected President of the Federation
• Bola Ige-Attorney General for the Federation (murdered while under official police guard)
• Ayo Daramola-gubernatorial candidate (Ekiti State)
• Funsho Williams-gubernatorial candidate (Lagos State). Strangled in his bed
• Sulaimon Olajokun-AD Chieftain (Shot to death in vehicle)
• Emily Omope-AD member (died after acid attack- December 2005)
• Odunayo Olagbaju- Member, Osun State House of Assembly, killed in front of Moore Police Station, Ile-Ife
• Dele Arojo-PDP Gubenatorial aspirant
• Barnabas Igwe
• Amaka Abigail Igwe (The deaths of these two, husband and wife, led to the arraignment of the governor, Chinwoke Mbadinuju
• Aminosoari Dikibo-(Killed by gunmen) PDP National Vice Chairman, South
• Ahmed Pategi- (State Chairman, PDP-Kwara)
• Marshal Harry
• Charles Alaba Joseph- Chief Executive Officer-Mobitel. Police claim he committed suicide despite witnesses to the contrary

These are the names of well placed Nigerians. Thousands are 'removed' daily without eyelashes being batted.



The Absurdities

• Tafa Balogun, Inspector General of Police steals N17 Billion from State Coffers
• Tafa Balogun is amazed that he can be arrested
• Tafa Balogun says in court premises that he "will bounce back". He later apologises.
• Tafa Balogun is jailed for 6 months including time served
• Iyiola Omisore and Fryo are arrested for Bola Ige's death. Fryo gives Victory sign in court. Omisore participates in (through phone calls) and signs Senate proceedings while detained at Agodi Prison
• The Nigerian Police has no finger prints database. More than a hundred years since Britain started fingerprinting
• You inform on criminals at your own peril
• The motto for the Nigerian Police is "to serve and protect...", lifted wholesale off the similar-named Cable TV Programme and from other established and developed jurisdictions
• The average policeman does not know the difference between a misdemeanour and a felony
• 29 year old millionaire and speaker of the Federal House of Reps, Salisu Buhari, claims to be 35
• This Number 4 man in the hierachy of Government also claims to have a degree from Toronto University
• He is investigated
• His colleagues in the Federal House of Reps give him a standing ovation upon his return to the House
• Public Opinion forces his removal. He is tried and sentenced to 6 months in jail or N5,000 (or $30)
• He chooses to pay the fine
• He receives a Presidential Pardon from the President of the Federation

In a land where anything can happen:


Peter Obi, the Governor of Anambra State is impeached. In Nigeria, impeachment is tantamount to removal.
Obi, who only attained his mandate because the opponents of the embattled former governor, Chris Ngige, did not care if the whole of the state burnt in their madness to remove Ngige, must have rejoiced at obtaining a position that was rightfully his..

Flashback for the uninitiated- Chris Ngige, a Medical Doctor with a snazzy beard and a penchant for caps became Governor of Anambra in 2003. Shortly after, we learnt (these things are not concealed in Nigeria) that Ngige had been installed by a 33 year old “Godfather”, Chris Mba, who had taken him to the Okija shrine to swear allegiance to the Godfather. (These things are done in Nigeria). Allegiance involved the payment by the Governor, of billions of Naira to the Godfather straight from the coffers of the government.


Ngige hedged on payment and the revelations (and war) started. Ngige said he was a Christian and had gone to the shrine with a concealed bible. Yeah. Mba the Godfather was adamant. A deal was a deal and he was bent on collecting. The President of Nigeria called the warring parties, Godfather and God Son/Governor to the Presidential abode. What was the matter? They stated both sides. The elections had been rigged so Ngige could become Governor. He admitted to it. The President’s reaction? He threw them both out.
Mba, the Godfather also happens to be younger brother to the Personal Assistant to the President of Nigeria. In the ensuing crisis, the Governor was abducted from his office by the ‘Police’, locked up in a toilet, made to sign a ‘confession’ and removed from office by the 'dogfather'. That was a Freudian slip.


The State burnt. The ruling party, PDP, lost its governorship, Peter Obi of the ANPP became Governor and all appeared well. For a while. Now, the louts are it again, backed silently by those in power. Obi’s house was burnt to ashes and the powers that be, look on. For a fiercely independent tribe, the Ibos are being led by the nose here. By the way, Chris 'the Godfather' Mba, was given a diplomatic passport by the Federal Government for his troubles.


In Oyo State, Ladoja the Governor was removed. His troubles started because he refused to pay the State’s Monthly Security Vote to the Ibadan ‘strongman’ (that may be interpreted literarily), Adedibu. Adedibu bluntly told the press that the President had ordered Ladoja to give him the state security vote and Ladoja had refused. It was the beginning of the end for Ladoja. He was walked down the plank by his own state legislators who gathered in a hotel room and impeached him. Same thing with Obi by the way, he was impeached by renegade legislators at 5.30 am.

In Nigeria, its simple. The Powers inform the legislators that investigations are on concerning their financial activities. The legislators will do anything to quell this, including voting to remove their mothers as their rightful parents if requested to do so.


Breaking news now: Ladoja has been re-instated by the judicial system. The deputy governor of Oyo, who took over from Ladoja and whose first act was to go prostrate (literarily again) for Adedibu, an old, belligerent politician, has been assured by Adedibu that he does not have to respect the law. We'll see.


BREAKING NEWS: The Aviation Minister, Aborishade has been deployed to Tourism and Culture and Fani-Kayode of that Ministry brought to Aviation. The wisdom in the deployment? Maybe Aborishade has ill-luck. Aborishade blamed the Pilot of the ill-fated ADC plane for crashing the aircraft “while wrongly using his initiative”. The dead man can’t argue back. Aborishade can’t be held responsible for yet another air misfortune if he’s in another ministry. Or can he? Aborishade was rejected thrice by the National Assembly as a Ministerial candidate. His nomination by the Executive was repeated time after time. Maybe those lawmakers knew something we ddin't. The last aircrash before the one last week, he cried on tv stating that he would resign if it would please those asking for his head. Liar. The police teargassed a large crowd of mothers at Ikeja, Lagos, marching to the governor's to register their complaints about the aviation minister. This large crowd of peaceful women included the former Vice Chancellor of the Lagos State University, Jadesola Akande.


This is Nigeria. Anything can happen.

Odewale threatens to kill his old friend, Alaka, upon the latter casually mentioning that Odewale is deceived as to whom his parents really are.  

It was a different kind of play. The Cast cried real tears as did the Audience. This was a major point of discussion after the drama. 

laspapi at the end of the show. On the left is the actor and playwright, lekan balogun (1st Chief), and on the right, Olarotimi Michaels (2nd Chief)