Wednesday, February 13, 2008

The Girl Whisperer

as published by the Sunday Guardian

of February the 10th

Put the blame on me

From the first time I heard Akon sing the lines, “even though the blame’s on you, you can put the blame on me”, it struck a resonant chord in me. I knew I was hearing a piece of philosophy that I've always strongly believed in, and often, I use that song as an affirmation of the proper thing to do.
Akon is an ex-convict but that matters little to me. Life’s truths can emanate from anyone- children, beggars, millionaire-ex cons, whoever. The world is a peculiar place. In his case, he caught a lot of negative attention for having frolicked on stage with a 15-year old girl in a club. Akon, apparently had no idea how old she was, and did things with her that only adults should partake in. After the brouhaha that attended him having 'played' with a child while entertaining on stage in a public forum, Akon sang his song, saying though the parents and the club that allowed her into an adults’ party should have been held responsible, he would take the blame. I like the face-on approach.

There are many men and women quick to lay blame elsewhere. We lie about our antecedents, our pedigree, our finances, our education, even our physical and mental attributes (in the cases where we have never met the prospective partner before) and then when he or she discovers us as we really are, we go berserk, threatening fire and brim stone, vilifying and slandering the man or woman who has abandoned us.
If you’re going out with a banker and you lie about your income, be prepared to be abandoned when he or she finds out that you earn only a tenth of what you claimed. It doesn’t make this departing partner shallow, you are the one who has brought your ‘shortcoming’ into issue by non-disclosure. You don't tell a prospective partner you've never had a child and then he meets a ten-year old midget in your living room one day calling you "mummy" and you start to stutter. If you had allowed the person to accept you (or reject you as the case might be) for whom you were, when you first met, your integrity would not be at stake.

The only instance I’d tell you to photo-shop the picture in a relationship is where the man asks how many partners you have had in your life. The self-destructing need for many women to be totally open on all issues causes them to want to foist this information on their partners. Trust the Whisperer on this one- for most men, even two previous boyfriends or intimate partners are too many. If you tell him numbers in their multiples, he will leave you, no matter how much he has reassured you he will stand by you forever when he was desperately seeking this information.

A man will spend his days and nights ruminating over this matter, thinking of how both you and the since long-gone other, contorted your bodies in the throes of passion, then his mind will blow because his circuitry is not wired to receive and process that kind of information, and then your relationship will hit the rocks, in that order. If you doubt the Whisperer, play a game of death and tell your man everything about that. What am I saying? Tell your partner everything that is fundamental to the relationship. It’s not helpful for your true love to find out after you have had three kids together that you’re really ten years older than you claimed to be and he finally understands why people have been saying "here comes Romeo and his mother, Juliet" everytime you passed. We shouldn’t be afraid to tell it like it is, for those who will love us will love us. For those who have problems with you as you are, let them go. It wasn’t meant to be and what will be will be.

I’m not suggesting you tell your partner about issues between your parents or your sibling’s marriage. That’s nobody’s business really and you might regret talking too much if you ever part ways with this person you told other people’s business to. However, if you have bi-polar disorders or you’re on medication for depression, please admit to it. There can be no worse sense of betrayal than finding out that a loved one only showed a small part of himself or herself.

There are people who will love us as we are. You also do not have the right to attempt to fit into someone else’s ideal partner when you clearly know you are not what is wanted. The Whisperer assures you that there are enough partners to go round everybody, and the odds tend to work themselves out in these matters. Squeezing one’s self into a compartment not built for one is the recipe for disaster. When a relationship turns sour, accept the blame if it is yours. It shows style and grace and the fact that you stand head and shoulders above the crowd.


Little Miss Media said...

'photoshop the picture'

but prevention is better than cure. guys should stop asking, so we don't have to lie...
and this is sad, cos it brings to fore the double standard system of acceptance. how many partners should my guy have had...? the number can be a multiplication/ square of mine!
oh well, that's life i guess.

you gave some really good advice...

ibiluv said...

I do believe in honesty in all relationships
while some things must be disclosed-so the person decides whether he/she can love u-flaws and all
i dont see the reason as u rightly pointed out in sharing
*some* family secrets
how many places u've done *it*
how many partners u've had

women are known as the jealous one of the sexes
whoever coined that-NEVER experienced a man's jealousy

it is fueled by a prolific imagination
a woman's jealousy is usually fuelled by hearsay,intuition,emotion or she just may catch u pants down

honesty is good but in moderation

dScR?Be said...


Sherri said...

i hear u about accepting blame and moving on, but i have to ask. if guys know they can't deal with the info and would rather be delusional about the number of partners their girl has been with, while seeing the number they (males)have had as a non issue, why bother asking?

Sherri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
africa entertainment plus sports said...

Blame it on the rain, when it rains.Blame it on the sun,when it shines.There's always something to blame if that's one's game.

Truth is, no one is perfect.

lemonade factory said...

papi,huh.since d lord of d rings post.i have been doing some evaluation on myself ho.laying my priorities straight nd just doing a lot of thinking,nd this one huh.

Uzo said...

Ah....the age old question of how much information is too much information.....

I think it depends on the relationship but i think honesty is the best policy. Take me or leave me as i am

Mamarita said...

Totally agree with "partially full disclosure" and most times I find when its mostly out there, things are a lot more "comfortable".

Afrobabe said...

I can personally testify to this...My boyfriend and I have been best friends for years and on account of that he knows all there is to know about me...he can even write out a list of guys i've dated and their addresses...the problem is he knows too much and it gets to him sometimes..

If this doesn't work..Next relationship??? I've only had one...the last one!!!

Anonymous said...

hey...just showing some love...wud be back soon

rethots said...

Beautifully written.

'Blame it on me', well, 'tis not 'cos the person is noble sha...

Yeah, relationships.....bare it all, keep no secrets. Such an ideal only, even in baring it all, one should also remember that 'cos something 'seems' right doesn't mean 'tis expedient.

Jinta said...

catch 22, is it not? do not share info abt your ex partners, but then, current partner, if they found out, may think you were lying by ommision

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Laspapiscosco, i already concluded that you hate me, after trying to think about what i did wrong and coming up with nothing, lol

Yahoo has scoinscoin,gmail rocks.

I'll send you a message on FB.When i added you i said it was me but i guess you missed it.

Lmao@earning a tenth

This is the second time you're talking about not telling guys everything, i better let it sink into my head o...not that i have any skeletons in my apoti, hehehe.

Anonymous said... likey, wud be back soon

Anonymous said...

lmfaooooooooooo... this was bloody hilarious.. im sure u know why im laughing.. particular paragraphs and sentences(i wont highlight) of this writeup should be framed in a museum... hahaaaa.. ur an evil genius... i LOVE it.. heheeeeee

now with regards to the partners thing.. i dont necessarily agree with 2 being too much(maybe thats a Nigerian thing)... i think when u get into multiples its better to give answers like 'youre the only sex im having now' but when ur such a good girl(lmfao) like me.. u can be honest... lol.i dont think there should be double standards... cos i wouldnt have a problem with any guy whos been with only 2 or 3 girls(actually the only issue might be that they are too few and he probably doesnt know his way around the garden)... but that might just be me. but ur right... honesty in things that actually matter in the relationship is crucial.. i sure as hell wanna know about any kids(hopefully there are none cos ill be the first to admit that i'm too busy thinking of myself at this stage in my life to be worried with most others...)
fantastic writeup whispherer... God bless u