Thursday, February 07, 2008

The Girl Whisperer

as published by

The Sunday Guardian (Life)

Feb 3, 2008

The Lord Of The Rings

There is a legend that there exists a place called middle earth, a land where women have conquered after many a bloody battle, and made theirs. In this place, women of all creeds and from different backgrounds live and reign supreme. It is a land where no man dares tell them what to do, where the word of the woman is law and judgement is passed on erring citizens. There is only one situation that poses a threat to their peaceful and harmonious existence. That one situation is brought about by a peculiar kind of man known as the Lord of the Rings.

All the women who once knew this land of peace and who have since been removed and forbidden from re-entry like Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden say that this man is a deceiver, offering things he cannot give.

His method is simple- He looks for a woman who is at peace with herself, the life she lives, her friends, her work and he offers her that most important thing to many women- A wedding ring. It is a very strong-minded woman who can resist the call to the altar, the hope that people will line the aisles and cheer as she walks in tandem with the man of her dreams. Some deep instinct to nest makes women lose all ability to reason when they meet a proposing man and the scoundrel who can put on a fa├žade of sincerity will get away with anything (including murder) where these women are concerned. This philanderer (a man that makes love without serious intentions) understands the lure of the ring, of the white dress, of the wedding invitations, of the guest list, and he plays on it like the professional he is.

The Lord of the Rings with unerring accuracy locks on the woman who is under pressure, from family or friends or the society, and with the precision of a heat-seeking missile proclaims he can meet her need. Often the woman gives all she can, in intimacy, in her finances, emotionally and any other way. When he has had enough or is tired, he walks away and starts afresh with another damsel in distress. The Lord of the rings rarely gives up his strongest bargaining chip- the offer of a future together.

The unprepared woman is torn apart by his cold-heartedness and sheer indifference but if you open your eyes, you can tell a Lord of the Rings when you see him coming. We live in a society that has made marriage an end in itself and puts immense pressure on women to marry at any cost and very early too. Women who are ordinarily suave and confident become blubbering wrecks as they pass the age of 25 without husbands-to-be and by age 30, they stay up at night, depressed insomniacs, unable to function properly. A husband has to be gotten however he may be and they often have to settle for less because they are under pressure.

Once, an older female relative asked me the age of a good female friend. My friend was 28 then and I told my relative so. “What?” she exclaimed. “And she’s not married?” She must be a prostitute”. This was said in Yoruba. Her warped logic reflected the larger society. An unmarried woman of 28 is almost past her shelf age and sell-by-date according to this school of thought and there must be something seriously wrong with her if she cannot corner a man and lead him by the nose to the altar. Societal pressure to fulfil the condition has led many women to take on men they would never have ordinarily considered and the reason for the high mortality rate of many marriages becomes obvious.

You are asked to lower your standards, not to buy that car yet, not to get a masters’ degree or move into your own apartment because you might price yourself out of the market.
The Whisperer advices, be all you want to be and do not allow anyone to put your plans on hold. We all have one life to live and we should make the best use of it. If you end up marrying the wrong man, you will have a long time to regret it. Take your time, the fact that a woman does not dance at the same pace as her companions does not mean there is something the matter with her. She might merely be listening to a different drummer.


DiAmOnD hawk said...

interestingly put... I dont know that the expiration date mentality can ever be erased... but you're quite right... there's nothing wrong with not being married early

dScR?Be said...

YEEEEEE PPAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! May God keep us away from such Lords of the Ring! chai.. i believe u oh, u are a man so u know!

Meanwhile, its almost becoming like a disease.. this early marriage stuvs... Heres my resolve...
For the first time ever on blogsville, Mr. Laspapi receives my resolve first! (u shud feel special)

"I have decided to put the 'eagerness' away & TOTALLY focus on self-achievement" Can i do it?

Be safe homie!

Aladura said...

Some men deceived and misappropriated women at a younger age, with long term adverse consequence. Many women decided to 'move on' for various reasons.

Though many men have DAMAGED LIVES, I think you should castigate SOME easy, irresponsible or gullible women of whatever age as well.

It is good to marry whenever destined, but divine 'look before you leap' as opposed to succumbing to undue societal pressure.

Beautiful and emotional article.

ibiluv said...

apt.apt.apt......i get really excited and happy when a friend,colleague,family member, gonna get married,while some pple think i should go hide myself someplace and ask God friends(the ones that i have)are fabulous,my family loves until i find myself a man i *really* wanna commit the REST of my *long* life to.i'll stay age??almost what?

Bunmmy said...

wonder when that would stop...marriage being assumed as the pinnacle of all female endeavour.

Sherri said...

i just put up a post on my encounter with one odeshious dude,which tailspinned into a rant about engagement rings and wedding rings.

am amazed at the logic or lack of it in females not living up to their highest potential in the name of "not pricing herself out of the market" and then expect no conflicts once they get married.

Tobs said...

Something needs to be done about that expiration date mentality.
Will be back in a sec.

trae_z said...

like the way you put The Lord Of The Rings to a new use. nice!

lemonade factory said...

well said papi,d society today is turning women into emotional wrecks.all in d name of u must be married at a certain age,or ur expired.sisters settle 4 less just 2 join d mrs club.oh well we all pray 2 get d best out of life nd not settle 4 less....hey papi hope ur doing great its been a while

Naapali said...

I add an amen to that. The sadness is the pressure is not over when/if she marries, it becomes; how about our grandchildren, then if a daughter comes, how about a grandson, then another, and another.

laspapi said...

@ diamond hawk- I know what you mean, hawk, it's a deep-set mentality.

@ 1st Pet- Believe me, scribe. I know what I'm saying. And I do feel special on receiving your resolve on self-achievement, thank you. Can you do it? Yes, you can.

@ aladura- Thank you, aladura. And you're correct about castigating women who fall for 'the Lord of the Rings' too easily. They take a part of the blame too.

@ ibiluv- It's the way a lot of people are programmed, to think you must be married by a certain age. I know a trillion marriages under pressure and hanging on only because 'people are watching' because they rushed at the first thing offered them. What's the use then? Well done, ibiluv. Live your life fully.

@ bunmmy- it's the society we were raised in.

@ sherri- I don't know why people don't think too far ahead. The Lord of the Rings finds easy prey because of this mind-set. Coming on your blog, Sherri, I've missed you.

@ mae-a -hurry back. It'll take something massive to change our ways.

@trae_z- thanks for appreciating my style, trae, literary licence.

@ shola pacheco- women must take a stance too. it's important they resist being forced into things that might alter their lives for the worse, permanently. If you find true love early, good for you, but if you enter a relationship out of desperation, there'll be a price to pay. I'm fine, shola, how've you been?

@ naapali- excellent train of thought, naapali, and you spoke my mind too. The pressure is unending in the life of a female and the demands, relentless. It's depressing even though I'm male.

olaoluwatomi said...

ha ha ha
laughed while reading this, life is lived only once o and its not very long!too little time to consider what others want and think u ahould have, the key is (like u said) get a life!

Ms. Catwalq said...

Rings: The bribe of protection.
The woman always has one trial or the other to contend with.
You have made a very good and in my opinion, sad observation

Rombo said...

Hear hear, Laspapi.

PS If 28 is past sell-by date, then my 37 puts me in the morgue. But what do you know, I'm aliving, kicking and determined to live my life at my pace, making well-thought through choices.

I think it's important to mention too, that often we women take the pressure that other people put on us, own it, and begin to put extreme pressure on ourselves.

If we can learn to brush it off, it'll be alright. If not, we're in trouble.

Take care.

Allied said...

Sad.. the expiration tag thinking cannot be eradicated from our sociery because it is embedded and instilled in our culture. Alot of women put things on hold inorder not to look independent which equals to a false sense of submission...

dScR?Be said...

please... (i had 2 comment again)

be not swift 2 blame women who fall cheap prey into the hands of "Ring Lords"... some may be emotionally unstable because they lack a father figure in their lives.... or not, but

and these ravenous hawks only take advantage of the weakness.... and ravage!!!!!! tsk tsk tsk

Anonymous said...

i agree with you on somethings and disagree on others!

Uzo said...

Love this title. Very well said. Marriage is not a joke - its more than the wedding day and if it takes longer than one had planned to find the one you can settle with - then so be it. Its not a contest or a race to the finish...

I even believe that not everyone is meant to be married....

Live and let live

laspapi said...

@ olaoluwatomi- live your life for yourself- I agree with you

@ catwalq- The bribe of protection? Not quite sure I got that. Sometimes, it's the woman's need that's played on.

@ r- Women do pressurise themselves. The validation some think wedlock will give is the key to the Lord of The Rings' strength.
As for you, r, you're a woman who has a mind. Nothing can beat that.

@ allied- hmm, putting things on hold...That picture fits this post. It is a cultural thing, but we're holding onto the wrong things.

@ 1stpet- you're laying down psychoanalysis here, ScRriBe. You think it's the lack of a father figure? Maybe...But what if it's some deep-seated lack of fulfilment that makes the "Lord" play the field?

@ pink satin- ah, satin, you wanna get married ;P

@ uzo- "It's not a contest or a race to the finish". Radical thoughts, Uzo. Not everyone will agree, but I do, wholeheartedly.

Ms. Catwalq said...

exactly...average woman does seek some social validation and protection from her partner,the likes of which is "supposed to be provided" through marriage. So when the lord of the rings dangles his proposal before her, he is dangling the illusion/bribe of this said protection....

u follow me now?