The Girl Whisperer
as published by the Sunday Guardian
of March 16
THE SPANISH MISTRESS
Many people are fond of the quote by the long-gone poet that says- “Heaven hath no fury like love to hatred turned, nor hell like a woman scorned”. For those with the life-style that makes a doctrine of payback for crimes, real and imagined, they also tell everyone “Vengeance is a dish best eaten cold”. These people, even-tempered and seemingly normal in other matters suddenly turn into Spaniards with the ability to nurse life-long feuds and grudges when it comes to matters of the heart. Unfortunately, it is usually only one heart that has the problem in such cases.
It’s worthy of note that some think it perfectly normal to focus on a figure they think has slighted them, walked away from them, abandoned them, and even years after, turn purple in apoplectic rage, when his or her name is mentioned. A nice woman asked me a while back why some ranting figure (and her friends) had invoked God to pay back a ‘heartbreaker’. I told her it was the height of delusion. The same way footballers of our national team delude themselves when they call on God in full view of the cameras of the world, and on open fields, to save them from humiliating defeats when they are obviously ill trained and unprepared.
To avoid being classified as Spanish mistresses, (The Whisperer’s coinage) let us consider the internal workings of those that might have wronged us. Firstly, in affairs of the heart, you should never have relationships with some people. For you, it might be a relationship of earth-shaking importance, but for the other party in the equation, it might not be an entanglement worthy of being dignified with the word, ‘relationship’. The truth, no matter how saddening it might be, is that some do not consider us worthy of public acknowledgement. It might be for any number of reasons, but primary among this might be that the partner is ashamed of our intellect, of our beauty, of the fact that we speak while we eat, with pieces of mashed-up food clearly visible in our mouths etc. The mistake in this matter is that one partner might think this is the affair of a life-time and worthy to be ranked alongside that of King Edward who left the throne of England for the sake of a woman while the other cringes at the very thought it could be much more than just something to amuse himself or herself at odd times.
In the case of the Whisperer, for example, an education is paramount. There must be a driving force in the issue of attraction, and though you have the beauty of Venus and the wealth of Abramovich, owner of the Chelsea football club, a shortage of grey matter means there really is no relationship, no matter how hard you try.
Now, the partner who has the tendency to turn into a Spaniard must consider whether the other partner lends the same weight and importance to whatever entanglement they are in. If one party considers you unworthy of being considered a person in a proper relationship with him or her, make do with what you have or leave immediately. There are people out there who when they mention the people they have had relationships with in times past, will count the Whisperer as having been one of the number. The Whisperer apologises on behalf of the family of man but it is not everyone you smile at, that registers on the radar and is considered worthy of note.
I read somewhere that that the most important thing in life is to love someone. The second most important thing in life is to have someone love us. The third most important thing in life is to have the two things happening at the same time. Learn from the Whisperer’s creed- “It’s not who you love, it’s who loves you”. Seeking out an object of your fantasy and latching on like a limpet does not guaranty reciprocity. Sometimes, it might be a one-sided thing. Plotting vengeance all the days of your life after the other person is long gone, only makes you appear crazed. There is no one on earth who owes you the responsibility of making you happy. You must overcome your own failings, swallow your pride and find someone who will love you for who you are.
Success is apparently, great incentive for ‘love’ and I have seen that the more successful a person becomes (and success may have as many definitions as you like), the more those who delude themselves they have been cast aside, plot fantastic moments of retribution.
Remember, those who will love us, will love us. If you are not a person’s dream partner, do not become the object of this person’s nightmares. It's a beautiful world, with space enough for us all.