Sunday, March 16, 2008

The Girl Whisperer

as published by the Sunday Guardian

of March 16


THE SPANISH MISTRESS

Many people are fond of the quote by the long-gone poet that says- “Heaven hath no fury like love to hatred turned, nor hell like a woman scorned”. For those with the life-style that makes a doctrine of payback for crimes, real and imagined, they also tell everyone “Vengeance is a dish best eaten cold”. These people, even-tempered and seemingly normal in other matters suddenly turn into Spaniards with the ability to nurse life-long feuds and grudges when it comes to matters of the heart. Unfortunately, it is usually only one heart that has the problem in such cases.

It’s worthy of note that some think it perfectly normal to focus on a figure they think has slighted them, walked away from them, abandoned them, and even years after, turn purple in apoplectic rage, when his or her name is mentioned. A nice woman asked me a while back why some ranting figure (and her friends) had invoked God to pay back a ‘heartbreaker’. I told her it was the height of delusion. The same way footballers of our national team delude themselves when they call on God in full view of the cameras of the world, and on open fields, to save them from humiliating defeats when they are obviously ill trained and unprepared.

To avoid being classified as Spanish mistresses, (The Whisperer’s coinage) let us consider the internal workings of those that might have wronged us. Firstly, in affairs of the heart, you should never have relationships with some people. For you, it might be a relationship of earth-shaking importance, but for the other party in the equation, it might not be an entanglement worthy of being dignified with the word, ‘relationship’. The truth, no matter how saddening it might be, is that some do not consider us worthy of public acknowledgement. It might be for any number of reasons, but primary among this might be that the partner is ashamed of our intellect, of our beauty, of the fact that we speak while we eat, with pieces of mashed-up food clearly visible in our mouths etc. The mistake in this matter is that one partner might think this is the affair of a life-time and worthy to be ranked alongside that of King Edward who left the throne of England for the sake of a woman while the other cringes at the very thought it could be much more than just something to amuse himself or herself at odd times.

In the case of the Whisperer, for example, an education is paramount. There must be a driving force in the issue of attraction, and though you have the beauty of Venus and the wealth of Abramovich, owner of the Chelsea football club, a shortage of grey matter means there really is no relationship, no matter how hard you try.

Now, the partner who has the tendency to turn into a Spaniard must consider whether the other partner lends the same weight and importance to whatever entanglement they are in. If one party considers you unworthy of being considered a person in a proper relationship with him or her, make do with what you have or leave immediately. There are people out there who when they mention the people they have had relationships with in times past, will count the Whisperer as having been one of the number. The Whisperer apologises on behalf of the family of man but it is not everyone you smile at, that registers on the radar and is considered worthy of note.

I read somewhere that that the most important thing in life is to love someone. The second most important thing in life is to have someone love us. The third most important thing in life is to have the two things happening at the same time. Learn from the Whisperer’s creed- “It’s not who you love, it’s who loves you”. Seeking out an object of your fantasy and latching on like a limpet does not guaranty reciprocity. Sometimes, it might be a one-sided thing. Plotting vengeance all the days of your life after the other person is long gone, only makes you appear crazed. There is no one on earth who owes you the responsibility of making you happy. You must overcome your own failings, swallow your pride and find someone who will love you for who you are.

Success is apparently, great incentive for ‘love’ and I have seen that the more successful a person becomes (and success may have as many definitions as you like), the more those who delude themselves they have been cast aside, plot fantastic moments of retribution.
Remember, those who will love us, will love us. If you are not a person’s dream partner, do not become the object of this person’s nightmares. It's a beautiful world, with space enough for us all.

11 comments:

Uzo said...

'Remember, those who will love us, will love us. If you are not a person’s dream partner, do not become the object of this person’s nightmares. It's a beautiful world, with space enough for us all'


Love this. Love this whole post. Where do i start?

Okay - vengeance/revenge to me is a waste of time. Here's the thing. While you waste your time plotting and scheming and filled with bile and change the dynamics of your life, the other person is blissfully unaware and just living his or her life. Think about it. By dwelling on the grievances - real or imagined, you are giving this person control of your life. Not worth it.

Relationships are interesting these days. In secondary school, it was a little more straightforward. Will you go out with me? Yes or No. Simple really. As we have gotten older, ambiguity has taken over. And we all find ourselves in entanglements. Are they exclusive relationships or are they just means to pass the time or for those that have the ability to be unemotional about sex, are they just for mutual pleasure and nothing else? Sometimes, it isnt clear and one party can spend long days and nights thinking what a perfect thing he/she has when the other person is busy filling time with others with no thought for him/her

Sometimes, we get entangled with people and think there might be something more there, but when it becomes clear that its a one sided thing, i say bitch or cry or scream for a little bit and move on.

I believe in destiny/kismet/fate/serendipity....That whatever will be, will be. And so if two people are meant to be, they will be regardless of everything else.

So as you so eloquently ended you post, those who will love us, will love us - perceived warts and all. And if you happen to be kissing a frog (are male and female frogs called the same thing? Random) right now and the frog says he/she has no desire to become your prince / princess, pick yourself up with some dignity, head held high and walk away.

Life moves on......

Cheetarah said...

Hey Papi,Just came by to say weldone on the Monologs..seen some negativity but thats good too coz it tells you what to work on and that ur work is def out there! Good on u!

1stpet2v9 said...

"“It’s not who you love, it’s who loves you”. Seeking out an object of your fantasy and latching on like a limpet does not guaranty reciprocity. Sometimes, it might be a one-sided thing." AMEN! to this, infact AMEN, to that entire paragraph.. infact 2 d entire post!!

Some people (including me sometimes) just DON'T get it! Its ONLY about who loves you really... thanks 4 dis buddie!!

Buki said...

I have not been to your blog in a while and this I must say about you.
U - always have the hammer in your hand.
U - always place the nail at the right spot.
U - always make the hit.
Du courage!

Sherri said...

sadly true!

Naija Vixen said...

I totally agree with this post...it is sad to watch someone love another and not have the object of their affection return the love...and its even more sad when the love turns into obsession. The lengths people go to to get someone to love them (voodoo charms et all) is truly baffling...nice one!

Jinta said...

are there not so many spanish mistresses out there?

movadochick said...

Latching on to someone else for the sake of "seeking love" is definitely a reflection of ones inner void....if you allowed God to dwell in your heart in the first place, then all else becomes secondary. ymmv.

Be ever ready and courageous in the face of disappointments...c'est la vie.

Papi,thanks for dropping by at my blog zone ;)

cheers!

ablackjamesbond said...

'The mistake in this matter is that one partner might think this is the affair of a life-time and worthy to be ranked alongside that of King Edward who left the throne of England for the sake of a woman while the other cringes at the very thought it could be much more than just something to amuse himself or herself at odd times'.

Sad but true...the problem is that most people[victims] find it hard to read between the lines even when it is very obvious to everyone else.

What i have found out though is that most times everyone plays the fool sometimes. While you are doing it to one, another is doing the same thing to you.

Nuggets of Gold said...

I wish everyone everywhere who longs for a relationship could read this

laspapi said...

@ uzo- that was a very long one :D The important thing is to keep one's dignity.

@ cheetarah- thanks, love. Negativity? I haven't seen it o. Constructive comments, yeah. Those who took ill at the reception the thing received from Nigerians should look to themselves.

@ 1stpet- It's always a pleasure, m'dear. Unrequited love has no benefits.

@ buki- thanks for this, buki. I'm encouraged.

@ sherri- I know, babe.

@ naija vixen- thanks, vixen. WHen people take it to extremes, it becomes apparent why it was one-way in the first place.

@ jinta- there are quite a few. I've met a couple myself.

@ movado chick- thanks for stopping by too, movado. In love, some do not realise you cant force it.

@ james bond- everybody plays the fool. everybody is somebody's fool. I agree with you.

@ nuggets- thanks, nuggets.