Monday, March 03, 2008

The Girl Whisperer

as published by the Sunday Guardian

of 2nd March, 2008

The Crush

I have a huge crush on Martina Navratilova, the Russian tennis player. I don’t know what it is I find fascinating about this beautifully proportioned woman but every time she’s shown on television (I’ve not seen her in real life and if I wasn’t the whisperer, I wouldn’t say our chances of meeting were high), I drop everything I might be doing and focus totally on her. It's in the way she carries herself on the court, the snarl we all hear when she hits a tennis ball. Ah, I have a crush on Martina. But then there’s Uma Thurman as well who starred in Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill” movies; Brandy- the fresh-faced singer, Scarlett Johanssen who appeared in the Fantastic Four movie; Vanessa Williams who was once Miss America; the Miss Worlds India has produced… the list is endless.

Let me digress, I have a personal theory that Indians have the best of both worlds, complexion- wise. There is a mix of white and black that produces an incredible coffee hue that produces beautiful girls, that produces those incredible Miss worlds. Quod Erat Demonstradum. Incredible India. Yeah!

So back to my topic. My dictionary says a crush is to “be, or imagine oneself to be, in love with another”. That’s not a very helpful definition for those who might be seeking answers to why they have ‘feelings’ for others apart from their partners.

The reality is that many will go through life, even if in serious relationships, having crushes on other people. If you think, “no, not me”, you must live in la-la land. Your female partner probably moons over Osaze Odimengwie, the Nigerian footballer or Brad Pitt while the guy in the relationship looks at the actress, Genevieve, in the movies and thinks, “what a fantastic specimen of womanhood”. It’s just the way humans are. The crush does not necessarily mean they ever intend to do anything about it (hopefully).

I saw an advert in a magazine once that showed five super models, including Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell and Claudia Schiffer. The advert’s punch line read, “The odds of you ever going on a date with one of them are 10, 000, 000 to 1. You start to get my drift.
Having a crush is usually a harmless pastime, something you can laugh over with friends or even with your partner. Except you have stalking tendencies, it’s not anywhere near dangerous. However, if you have a shrine in your room dedicated to this crush and you light candles every night around it, there might be a serious problem. It is not a crush anymore in this case, what you need is medical advice.

For those who do not know, the Whisperer writes and directs stage plays amongst other things. So sometime last year, he staged his drama, ‘Anatomy of a Woman’ starring Stella Damasus and put up banners with her face on it at the branches of a major fast-food spot. The banners and stands were stolen after the show from the different outlets and most probably by those who worked at this food place. It baffled the Corporate Affairs Manager of the eatery but I felt sorry for the thieving adults who felt the closest they would ever get to Stella was via a banner. I would not put a life size-flexi-banner of Martina Navratilova in my bedroom except she was paying to brand the room.

So this year, the Whisperer is directing the stage performance of the V Monologues coming up in March, that tale about femininity, the abuse women go through and the struggle to break free off societal shackles. As I give directions to some of the most beautiful and powerful women in the arts and entertainment industry in this land including Kate Henshaw, Funmi Iyanda, Bimbo Akintola, Ashionye, Yinka Davies, Omonor Imobhio and Tunde Aladese, I think to myself, that I have had crushes on all these lovely women at one time or the other. Sometimes, in a perfect world you get to meet your crushes and sometimes not. But that is what it is, harmless fun. People will always find others attractive and if your partner playfully moons over anyone else, do not turn it into World War III. There are many people who have crushes on their pastors, on their lecturers, on the guy who drives a jeep down the street. It just adds colour to life. If you however, come across a box full of cut-out articles and photographs showing she has been studiously pursuing Richard Mofe-Damijo since she was eleven years old, she needs to go for therapy.

The Whisperer wishes you all a beautiful new week.


Idemili said...

Let me first of all say that I object to the assumption that black or white as colours on their own are not 'incredible'. Even in India, people who are dark skinned go through stress trying to bleach their skin to the coffee hue you so admire, adding light contacts along the way all in the view that dark, on it's own is not good enough. The whisperer should have given a lot more thought to the fact that people read his blog an may go away with a biased point of view.

Eh heh. Chastisement over. *Grin*

I was just going to say, after I read the first few names that you must have a slight masochistic streak. The women listed are those who can TOTALLY kick your butt - or who are portrayed as such.

Pray tell, is this the case? (Nosy me!)

Good post.

Uzo said...

LOL @ Idemili.....valid point about the tough women The Whisperer fancies.

Are you saying to me therefore that my treasure box on all things Gerard Butler (King Leonidas of 300), Johnny Depp and Gary Dourdan are cause for concern? So what if i like talk to them occassionally or imagine steamy trysts with them? LOL...Its all good fun.

Seriously, crushes are great. They make life more interesting. If like me you have/had a crush on a Nigerian actor that shall not be named who is now your friend, emmm, let's just say that's no fun.

Therefore, the moral of my rambling tale, is pick objects to have crushes on that you shall never ever meet....

ibiluv said...

splendid post

coming from a guy i do hope a lot more guys will be more confident of themselves and allow me swoon when ever i see Denzel and or Amitabh Bachah-wonderful specimens they are.....fogerrrit

Anonymous said...

i have a crush on scarlett J and i am a girl!!!lol

@ uzo i love GAry dourdan!!!love love him!

dScR?Be said...

i was just thinking 2 myself b4 opening dis page, "if Uncle Las, has not put my "Girl Whisperer" up, I will give him a call immediately!" Lucky u... let me go n read

dScR?Be said...

EXCELLENT EXCELLENT piece on crushes!!!

OHHHH! i've had crushes.. on RMD too, lol... one time my sister and i found his number on my dad's cupboard.. apparently HE HAD CALLED THE HOUSE AND LEFT THE NUMBER WITH MOMSIEE!!!

U shuda seen us go ballistic!! asking momsie why she didn't alert us when he called and blabla...

so we stole the number and when no one was looking, (lol)

we called....

Black Man Comes said...

I have been taught not to correct my elders but i couldnt let this one pass. It will be a sin.

"Scarlett Johanssen who appeared in the Fantastic Four movie" Scarlett Johanssen in F4, nah man. That was Jessica alba. But Johanssen is mad pretty and she did Love and Prejudice. She has this sauccy thing going on. Alba is preggers so I excuse her.

And another cardinal sin... you did not mention the prettiest of all. Sana Lathan. Haba.

I see your point about the shrine. That bothers on crazy.

Black Man Comes said...

The truth however is this: we only fascinate about this people because they are out there and sometimes symbolize what we crave for. What we want to be. Who we want to associate with. Chances are if Genevieve and King Leonidas of 300 never made it to the screen we wouldnt care much.

But then, it makes the world go round.

lemonade factory said...

huh papi lol now am allowed to have as many as i want....crush huh papi the list is endless...

hows the play going, hope ur good papi

rethots said...

Hmmm, .....crushes. But for the liberty to have them, the world would sure be boring. Yep.

Having crushes also confirms to us that 'that ideal' (wo)man we all seek do exist.

A nice one, Las.

laspapi said...

@idemili- I didn't say black & white colours weren't incredible on their own but the Indian Miss Worlds rock my world.

The women mentioned can kick my butt? I'm a mean dude, goddess, believe me and even though I like strong women, I dont get kicked.

@ uzo- wise idea, uzo, to keep them at a distance. Thing is, for me, I meet them sooner or later.

@ ibiluv- Thanks, love, and swoon away. It's a free world, after all.

@ p-satin- I love that girl.

@ 1stPet- ah, Scribe, you're an adventurous girl, oh.

@ black man- Sorry about the mix-up. Yes, it was jessica alba, beautiful to look at. Scarlett is as beautiful too.

@ shola- I'm very fine, shola, thanks. I'm in abuja at present getting ready for the monologues tomorrow.
Many crushes, ke? We have to talk about this first o!

@ rethots- yeah, they make the world a rosier place and I believe the beautiful ones have been born and are here with us.

dScR?Be said...

Goodluck with the Monologues!!!!

"break a leg" (not literally)

and yes, i've been told i'm adventurous many times, lol

Allied said...

My dear laspapi - India don't have it as u think

This is not stereotype but they are one of the most color conscious people i have ever met in my life...

How do I know?

I also became part of them..

don't forget my copy for V.Monologues.. unless i will STALK u...

and put a shrine in my room :)

Jinta said...

er, papi, dont know if you realise, martina is openly gay. five me whassaname washington anytime

laspapi said...

@ 1stpet2- Thank you, ScRiBe, you're a constant source of support.

@ Allied- I won't forget your copy, Allied. And if that's you in that photo on your profile, you can have a shrine of me in your room ;P

@ jinta- I had no idea o. Pity. Still, Kerry Washington would make a great sub.

Naija Vixen said...

Another amazing post, ohhh....i missed this!!!! How are you doing Laspapi???