The Girl Whisperer
as published by the Sunday Guardian
of 2nd March, 2008
I have a huge crush on Martina Navratilova, the Russian tennis player. I don’t know what it is I find fascinating about this beautifully proportioned woman but every time she’s shown on television (I’ve not seen her in real life and if I wasn’t the whisperer, I wouldn’t say our chances of meeting were high), I drop everything I might be doing and focus totally on her. It's in the way she carries herself on the court, the snarl we all hear when she hits a tennis ball. Ah, I have a crush on Martina. But then there’s Uma Thurman as well who starred in Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill” movies; Brandy- the fresh-faced singer, Scarlett Johanssen who appeared in the Fantastic Four movie; Vanessa Williams who was once Miss America; the Miss Worlds India has produced… the list is endless.
Let me digress, I have a personal theory that Indians have the best of both worlds, complexion- wise. There is a mix of white and black that produces an incredible coffee hue that produces beautiful girls, that produces those incredible Miss worlds. Quod Erat Demonstradum. Incredible India. Yeah!
So back to my topic. My dictionary says a crush is to “be, or imagine oneself to be, in love with another”. That’s not a very helpful definition for those who might be seeking answers to why they have ‘feelings’ for others apart from their partners.
The reality is that many will go through life, even if in serious relationships, having crushes on other people. If you think, “no, not me”, you must live in la-la land. Your female partner probably moons over Osaze Odimengwie, the Nigerian footballer or Brad Pitt while the guy in the relationship looks at the actress, Genevieve, in the movies and thinks, “what a fantastic specimen of womanhood”. It’s just the way humans are. The crush does not necessarily mean they ever intend to do anything about it (hopefully).
I saw an advert in a magazine once that showed five super models, including Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell and Claudia Schiffer. The advert’s punch line read, “The odds of you ever going on a date with one of them are 10, 000, 000 to 1. You start to get my drift.
Having a crush is usually a harmless pastime, something you can laugh over with friends or even with your partner. Except you have stalking tendencies, it’s not anywhere near dangerous. However, if you have a shrine in your room dedicated to this crush and you light candles every night around it, there might be a serious problem. It is not a crush anymore in this case, what you need is medical advice.
For those who do not know, the Whisperer writes and directs stage plays amongst other things. So sometime last year, he staged his drama, ‘Anatomy of a Woman’ starring Stella Damasus and put up banners with her face on it at the branches of a major fast-food spot. The banners and stands were stolen after the show from the different outlets and most probably by those who worked at this food place. It baffled the Corporate Affairs Manager of the eatery but I felt sorry for the thieving adults who felt the closest they would ever get to Stella was via a banner. I would not put a life size-flexi-banner of Martina Navratilova in my bedroom except she was paying to brand the room.
So this year, the Whisperer is directing the stage performance of the V Monologues coming up in March, that tale about femininity, the abuse women go through and the struggle to break free off societal shackles. As I give directions to some of the most beautiful and powerful women in the arts and entertainment industry in this land including Kate Henshaw, Funmi Iyanda, Bimbo Akintola, Ashionye, Yinka Davies, Omonor Imobhio and Tunde Aladese, I think to myself, that I have had crushes on all these lovely women at one time or the other. Sometimes, in a perfect world you get to meet your crushes and sometimes not. But that is what it is, harmless fun. People will always find others attractive and if your partner playfully moons over anyone else, do not turn it into World War III. There are many people who have crushes on their pastors, on their lecturers, on the guy who drives a jeep down the street. It just adds colour to life. If you however, come across a box full of cut-out articles and photographs showing she has been studiously pursuing Richard Mofe-Damijo since she was eleven years old, she needs to go for therapy.
The Whisperer wishes you all a beautiful new week.