Shut Up; Sit Down

The Girl Whisperer

as published by

The Sunday Guardian of January the 27th


Eight days ago, The Whisperer was at Tosyn Bucknor’s Celebrity Auction which was done to highlight her “These Genes” project to advance the case of sickle cell sufferers and in the few moments when I could tear my eyes of the lovely television presenter, Lamide Akintobi, I had a conversation with Ebuka Obi-Uchendu, a participant in the first Big Brother Nigeria reality show. It led to the train of thought that birthed this article.

Without exception, every relationship has its opponents, a set of doubting thomases and philistines who say it will not work. Usually, the savvy couple ignores the people who give their comments whether solicited or otherwise. By the way, if you have to ask others whether the relationship you are in will stand the test of time, you are not ready to be in an adult partnership yet. Better for you to play with dolls or toy soldiers, depending on your gender. We, as humans sometimes want reassurance from others, often seeking validity from those not qualified to give it. It is the same thing as seeking advice from a blacksmith about issues relating to gold.

One of the easiest things in the world is telling others “it can’t be done”. There is no shortage of people who will tell you why a project you have in mind will never have ‘lift off’, why your future plans can never work out. It’s the same thing with relationships. He’s from another tribe; she doesn’t have a pedigree; his parents are poor; she’s almost a dwarf; reasons abound to leave any situation if you are looking hard enough for them.

The best advice the Whisperer can give here is that you take the responsibility of assuring the only people you need to put at rest; your self and your partner. All others are secondary, no matter how important you think they are to you and you must learn to tell them all, “Shut up and sit down”. There is a school of thought however, that says one should never go against one’s mother’s opinions. Many a relationship has been broken by a mother looking long and hard at a child’s relationship and not taking to the incoming partner. Mothers are usually hard to please as we all know, and some say from experience that ‘behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law’.

Is the Whisperer asking people to ignore their mothers? No, he’s not. Still, you must weigh whatever advice you are given from anyone including your mother against what you know of the proposed partner. It is not enough to be told that he cannot be a responsible person because he has a bushy moustache or wears dread-locks. The advice that makes you take a second look at your relationship should be one that could go to the root of the relationship. For example, if he’s been known to break into homes and has a criminal record as long as your arm, you might want to slow down a bit before you make him father of your children and understand the true meaning of ’natural born criminal’ when you look at the children you have for him. Except you are looking to have a relationship with one of the members of Ocean’s 11, it might be a good idea to reduce speed and negotiate the tight corners, particularly if he is not a reformed sinner.
Leaving your man because he does not do real work, (he’s a D.J.) might not be a tangible excuse, if his dee-jaying brings home the bacon.

However, what do you do in circumstances when it’s your partner in the relationship telling you he wants to leave? There are few things more painful than the person you have given your heart to, telling you he is not sure you should continue with the relationship. You meet him at a lovely restaurant, in his apartment, on a bench at the shopping mall and he tells you “it’s all over”. You tell him to “shut up and sit down”. Then you walk away. You cannot make anyone love you against his or her well and pity is not the stuff that legendary love stories are built on. When a man continues with you because he feels sorry for you, the relationship is dead. Gather your pride, stand up straight and walk away. Let the Whisperer give you perspective- The world has more than five billion people in it, and there are quite a number of people out there who would sing your heart’s song if you’d let them (and also make your mother happy if you’re that kind).