The Girl Whisperer

as published by

The Sunday Guardian (Life)

Feb 3, 2008

The Lord Of The Rings

There is a legend that there exists a place called middle earth, a land where women have conquered after many a bloody battle, and made theirs. In this place, women of all creeds and from different backgrounds live and reign supreme. It is a land where no man dares tell them what to do, where the word of the woman is law and judgement is passed on erring citizens. There is only one situation that poses a threat to their peaceful and harmonious existence. That one situation is brought about by a peculiar kind of man known as the Lord of the Rings.

All the women who once knew this land of peace and who have since been removed and forbidden from re-entry like Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden say that this man is a deceiver, offering things he cannot give.

His method is simple- He looks for a woman who is at peace with herself, the life she lives, her friends, her work and he offers her that most important thing to many women- A wedding ring. It is a very strong-minded woman who can resist the call to the altar, the hope that people will line the aisles and cheer as she walks in tandem with the man of her dreams. Some deep instinct to nest makes women lose all ability to reason when they meet a proposing man and the scoundrel who can put on a façade of sincerity will get away with anything (including murder) where these women are concerned. This philanderer (a man that makes love without serious intentions) understands the lure of the ring, of the white dress, of the wedding invitations, of the guest list, and he plays on it like the professional he is.

The Lord of the Rings with unerring accuracy locks on the woman who is under pressure, from family or friends or the society, and with the precision of a heat-seeking missile proclaims he can meet her need. Often the woman gives all she can, in intimacy, in her finances, emotionally and any other way. When he has had enough or is tired, he walks away and starts afresh with another damsel in distress. The Lord of the rings rarely gives up his strongest bargaining chip- the offer of a future together.

The unprepared woman is torn apart by his cold-heartedness and sheer indifference but if you open your eyes, you can tell a Lord of the Rings when you see him coming. We live in a society that has made marriage an end in itself and puts immense pressure on women to marry at any cost and very early too. Women who are ordinarily suave and confident become blubbering wrecks as they pass the age of 25 without husbands-to-be and by age 30, they stay up at night, depressed insomniacs, unable to function properly. A husband has to be gotten however he may be and they often have to settle for less because they are under pressure.

Once, an older female relative asked me the age of a good female friend. My friend was 28 then and I told my relative so. “What?” she exclaimed. “And she’s not married?” She must be a prostitute”. This was said in Yoruba. Her warped logic reflected the larger society. An unmarried woman of 28 is almost past her shelf age and sell-by-date according to this school of thought and there must be something seriously wrong with her if she cannot corner a man and lead him by the nose to the altar. Societal pressure to fulfil the condition has led many women to take on men they would never have ordinarily considered and the reason for the high mortality rate of many marriages becomes obvious.

You are asked to lower your standards, not to buy that car yet, not to get a masters’ degree or move into your own apartment because you might price yourself out of the market.
The Whisperer advices, be all you want to be and do not allow anyone to put your plans on hold. We all have one life to live and we should make the best use of it. If you end up marrying the wrong man, you will have a long time to regret it. Take your time, the fact that a woman does not dance at the same pace as her companions does not mean there is something the matter with her. She might merely be listening to a different drummer.