Wednesday, December 27, 2006

24 Things we've learnt from Nollywood (was sent this list by a friend)


1. Every problem you have is spiritual.
2. In every romance movie, someone must die.
3. It is possible to hit a person without actually touching them!
4. Anyone who gets hit by a car dies immediately.
5. Poisoned food always tastes better.
6. The best way to make money is by visiting a 'Babalawo' / joining a cult
/ sleeping with rich men.
7. One of a pair of twins (identical or not) is born evil.
8. There is never an end to your suffering, except death!
9. With a pastor ... all things are possible.
10. A movie can be titled anything... such as:
*The boy is mine,
* Face me, I face you,
*Two rats,
*Spanner,
*Calculator,
*Igala,
*Ijele,
*Igodo,
*Igudu
*Shigidi
11. A movie has not been made if at least one actor/actress has not-
'shelled', twisted his/her lips to speak wrong phonetics'.
12. You are in love... you want to take your girl out, the best place you
take her to is...
*Mr. Biggs/Tantalizers: where you'll most probably see an ex while feeding
each other.
*The beach: where it is imperative that you ride a donkey and carry her
playfully.
*Or the best: take her to buy some new ugly clothes.
13. An Igbo movie has been made if ...
* You visit a 'Babalawo'
* A fleet of cars is shown off at regular intervals for a total of half of
the movie time.
* Kanayo 'O' Kanayo is in the movie. Pete Edochie is also there too!
* To get rich it is mandatory you join a cult
14. Gun shots and fireworks sound the same!
15. Sometimes the title has absolutely nothing to do with the movie and
other times, once you read the title and see the poster you know it all!!!
(Also the soundtrack gives you a headache because it just narrates the
whole story repeatedly - so much for suspense and intrigue.)
16. A love story has not been produced if it does not have one or two of
the following actresses-
* Stella Damassus
* Stephanie Okereke
* Genevieve Nnaji
* Omotola Jalade
* Rita Dominic
* Kate Henshaw-Nuttall
17. The police are extremely 'efficient' unlike their counterparts in real
life.
18. An actress can wear the same hairdo for more than a year and even in
longer flashbacks.
19. It is permissible to wear very dark shades at night!
20. When you are shot in the chest, it really doesn't matter; your head
will be bandaged. Same for your legs.
21. When advertising a movie, you really should shout because... people are
deaf?
22. When you are extremely poor, you will still be able to afford- very
good furniture, T.V., but you won't be able to send your kids to school.
23. Most especially in Yoruba movies, your gateman must be inefficient and
comical. He MUST dress like a freak, be rude to all your visitors and never
mind his business.
24. The bad guy always dies or gets caught by the police

13 comments:

imnakoya said...

Add one more item so we can tag this the "25 Facts of Nollywood!"

Here is a suggestion :
"To be Nollywwod, the movie must come in multiple discs"

Anonymous said...

LMAO... that's a good one

Mona said...

lolllllllll i like the additions e.g. the yoruba gateman (at somne point he cries n usually speaks at the top of his voice) - random

Mona said...

sorry i couldnt make ur play or get to meet you - had to attend a family outing n was there till late, really wanted to watch the swamp dwellers but i watched ella

Is there anything going on today or tomorrow?

Araceli said...

So funny...really funny...and it's amazing how viewers seem to never get tired of the same story (only different actors in another setting).

Anonymous said...

Saw this list somewhere in UI. Sorry, is it origial? Was gonna post then but now it seems everywhere online.

Anonymous said...

I concur with Imnakoya's suggestion.

Anietie said...

Nollywood is Nigeria's gift to the world. It waded in where the government feared to tread and created employment for many people. So what if there are flaws in some movies? What is perfect in Nigeria, eh? Perhaps, our roads or electricity supply, abi? There are several shops that are now selling Nigerian films in the UK.My Jamiacan friends love them. And mind you, not all of the movies are ridiculous. I watched "Anini" recently and I commended the guys behind this great film. I never took an interest in Nollywood until I discovered that it is the third largest movie industry in the world. This is something that we should be proud of. Nollywood is not a charity. My consolation: if Pete Edochie dies now, he will not die in poverty. God bless Nigeria.

laspapi said...

@ Anietie- The depth of your feeling on Nollywood is commendable, still no industry or sphere anywhere or in any nation should be immune from being lampooned.

The Chinese film industry, established long before Nollywood and internationally recognized (See Crouching Tiger,Hidden Dragon's Oscar Nomination)is still made fun of till date, so is Bollywood which is light years ahead of ours.

On this blog which has once featured a cartoon of the president and his deputy fighting in their underpants, and done an A-Z of the country which reflected its ills, only the truth is sacred.

And the truth is all 24 points on Nollywood are unerringly accurate. The writer of this piece (whose name is now lost somewhere on-line) is a first class humour merchant.

The facts that Jamaicans love them or that shops sell them in the UK indicate nothing.

There are good movies made here, but by and large, most of them are #$%^&*#$%^7.

As for the fact that Nollywood is the world's 3rd largest film industry, what does that tell us but that shooting Parts 1, 2 & 3 of a movie in 3 days has its advantages?

Lets call them names, Anietie, its nothing personal. I read MAD magazine and even before you and I could walk and up until this day, Hollywood itself was lampooned in that magazine.

You may also view the "National Lampoon" Movie Series, "Loaded Weapon" which is the satire of "Lethal Weapon" and many other movies or "Scream".

@ Nilla and imnakoya- The extra item suggested is as accurate as the other 24. It deserves a place there too.

@ anonymous- I didn't write this. But it shouldn't stop you from posting it. No one seems to know the origin of these items anymore.

@ araceli- the Nigerian viewer is a different specie.

@ mona- Sorry you missed the play, looked out for you. No other plays are billed for this year that I know of, but I'll confirm this.
The Yoruba Gateman stereotype is spot on too. We flog our sterotypes to the death here.

@ mack- Glad you like it, mack.

Anietie said...

Laspapi,

If we must attack Nollywood, then let us do so sensibly. Let us not generalise. We must seperate the likes of Kelani from the Idumota traducers. We still have few professionals who make good videos. I rarely have the time to watch these films, but when I do, I look out for the good ones. I do not blame them for shooting films in several parts. Let the poor Idumota boys make back their money quickly. After all, it is the Nigerian Syndrome - get rich quick. It is not easy for one to invest 4 million naira in the arts. The thieving politicians would rather keep their spoils in foreign banks.Besides, the public have the final say in Nollywood. If they stop buying movies that come in several parts, then the marketers would know what to do.

Mona said...

hope ull bring some productions to the uk soon...i really hope so

Amina said...

Totally off the hook.I particularly liked the one about the hairdos that last forever

laspapi said...

mona, I hope to, someday soon too.

@ amina- Thanx for the nice words.