Saturday, September 08, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

as published in the Sunday Guardian

September 9



Loving in Multiples

Omohemi Benson sent an article to some of her friends and I, titled, “Why men are never depressed”, stating the many differences between men and women. One of the many things that struck me in that article was a line that said men could spend thirty seconds on the phone and say goodbye. I’d known for a long while that women found this trait in men really disturbing; after all, in a telephone conversation, you’re meant to ramble on, go back and forth, raise up matters of earth-shaking importance, or all other things women feel should be mulled over, worried about and torn to pieces in gossip…but I digress. Some other points were, men are comfortable with just owning three pairs of shoes, and if by some omission they were forgotten in a list of invites to a party, they would not have a life-long feud with the person who forgot.

My point exactly? If there is anyone walking the face of the earth who thinks men and women are the same, the person has not figured it all out yet. The woman who complains to you about her day often does not really want a solution; she wants your empathy, for you to show concern, primarily. A man’s instinct on the other hand is to conjure a solution. “Do it this way, dammit, and stop whining”, the man says, much to the chagrin of the female who is looking for a listening ear. Men and women sit in trenches across from each other, in army uniforms, guns poking out from time to time, with a large expanse of no man’s land between them, littered with the slain bodies of misconceptions, misunderstandings and all the other things that fuel friction in relationships.

The difference I want to talk about is something that some women have not figured out yet even though they know more about the male sex than is healthy for most “criminally-minded” men. The regular woman is able to sense when a partner is cheating, through observation, looking him in the eye, through some form of extra-sensory perception that men lose before they turn six years old. She looks and she just knows, even without being able to tell the reason why, most of the time. She might never do anything about this knowledge, wearily resigning to the excesses of the philanderer and accepting his lying heart as her lot in life, but when she sets her mind to it, she knows and is sometimes silent. This is why many men, in their hearts, are afraid of the women who have stood with them through many years of uncontrolled urges. There is one thing, however, that women do not seem to be able to grasp even with the innate powers they appear blessed with.

Men can “love” in multiples. The same way a man can have an intimate engagement with someone he feels absolutely nothing for, is the same way he can “love” different women for different reasons. Angry women will call this ability many things, and those men who practice it, even worse names, but it does not change the reality of how men act sometimes.

A man will “love” one woman for her great mind and her playful spirit, for the length of her legs and for the fact that she is very attractive and delightful to look at. He will love another for her beauty and for her smile that lights up a room. These “loves” will be in separate compartments and when he says, “I love you” to either, he means it from the bottom of his heart (or the top, depending on your preference).

Are you starting to get my point? Men have this ability (many, many women will call it a vice) of “loving” in multiples.

This is no excuse for the inability of some men to control themselves, but women should know that not all “I love you(s) are as simple as they sound. Seek for clarity from the man involved- Is he able to keep all his professions of love for your benefit alone? If he cannot, and you are unable to accept this, better to look for the fellow who can.

32 comments:

atinuke said...

Thinking about this....
read it twice(on here and in the newspaper) already.

But why?

Shouldnt one "I love you" outweigh all the others and by virtue of that, nullify them all?

Thinking about this...

catwalq said...

Just in case my comment did not go through...

"Men and women sit in trenches across from each other, in army uniforms, guns poking out from time to time, with a large expanse of no man’s land between them, littered with the slain bodies of misconceptions, misunderstandings and all the other things that fuel friction in relationships."

This is going to be my quote for the rest of the month. The conversation does not even have to be relevant. Someone will be like "Catwalq, what is due in class?" or "Catwalq, what time is it?" and I will just open my mouth and unleash the above quote. Yes, I might be profiled as unstable and recommended for counselling but I will have borrow-posed your oyinbo for a month and demo-d like I have vocabulary...

I have given up trying to understand men...gives me a headache. I simply set rules for me to live by and refuse to compromise them at all. I am not looking for multiple lovers or a lover with multiple loves unless I am the object of all of them, Odawyze, please keep on stepping. Carry Go!!!!!

Lola said...

HAHA!!! I've said it! There's a reason why, in general, women outnumber men, whether women like it or not. As much as we try to tear away from our "uncivilised" selves in order to "advance", the insticts remain the same and just as pure!

Nevertheless, make no mistake that i too expect nothing but fidelity. I've been raised to be selfish & can't help but revel in it! :oD

...toyintomato said...

quick question...cam women love in multiples too, or is this trait exclusively for men.
now, if its possible for women to love in multiples, then why is there a degrading word for this..
..my own 2 cents..haha

laspapi said...

@ atinuke - sometimes, 'one' does... at other times, it can't be figured out.

@ catwalq - all the years of reading war comics finally paid off in the startling imagery I conjured... I like your idea of setting your own rules, it's the best way atimes.

@ lola- expecting fidelity would be stating your own rules like catwalq. Its legitimate, and your refusal to compromise would weed out the chaff.

@ toyintomato- can women love in multiples too? I think they do, sometimes, but men have DNAd this trait to a perfect art.
And why is there a degrading word for the female act and not the male? You try writing a column called the "Man Whisperer" and see what people think. Perspective is hopelessly skewered in favour of men (at least, for now)

Isi said...

you know, i have always wondered how men (and some women of course) can carry on with multiple partners. i guess this answers my question.

atinuke said...

I was first? YAY!!!!

Still thinking about this...

But I agree with toyintomato that women can love in multiples.
And I hate the gender bias when it comes to throwing out degrading words.

I believe there is enough material for a "Man Whisperer". Men are complex beings as well, you know.

(Oh, and I'm fine, thank you. How are you?)

Uzo said...

LOL....LOL...|Sure we arent the same and i am not liking the part about loving different women in different ways but i think that they key to understanding each other is to appreciate our differences and work with them....

My Pen My Paper said...

I believe what goes around comes around.

Laspapi, see. The problem is not how men love or their very many heart- compartments they may love-from and destinations they may love-to. Women love in multiples too. In fact it doesn't have to be the man/woman relationship, it goes on even in friendship. There are some friends you can turn to when you are sad - to help share your sadness. There are others you must not dare go near or else they'll plunge you into more of sadness.

The problem is: It depends how women understand it - 'the love coming from their man', and how men understand it - the 'love' coming from their woman.

Ex: A guy may think all the 'I love you's' coming from a girl was because she wants his dough(money). On the other hand, she might just see him as confident and her kind of person. A girl might think all the acrobatics of a guy was because she is sexy(and thats all he wants is sexy minus 'y',)but really, the guy might just like her coz the way she smiles make him happy.

30+ said...

"What a man can do a woman can do better".

"Men can love in multiples, women can love in multiples better"

But some uninformed men don't want to believe it (they are stuck with their vision of what a woman should be 'their mum').
It is not unusual for a man to be really shocked or overly heartbroken (pardon my Engish) when a woman does it.

I LOVE WOMEN

Idemili said...

I'm scratching my head. What's all this multiplicity coming from all the men in blogville? LOL

My 2 cents said...

Dude,
Be ready to deal with a lot of pissed females over this sensitive piece lol..

But you make some strong points, "it is what it is" and men will be who they are just because..

it's just that women are molded in such a way that any suggestions that a man will stray in anyway, glaring as it is, is a major no no for them.

laspapi said...

@ isi- glad to have been of service, isi

@ atinuke- I'm fine, thank you, bearing up. I agree that this multiplicity thing requires thought. A "Man Whisperer"? That could work, actually.

@ uzo- women like sole franchises, I know, and for the man's peace of mind, that might be the best thing, but men will be ...dogs.

@ my pen, my paper- that was a delightful dissertation. It's interesting the things that go on in the minds of both genders and our capabilities. Thank you for this.

@ 30+ It's the way men protect themselves, living in the denial of what women can do. "She can fool around just like you do"

@ idemili- wb

@ my 2 cents- you're a sooth sayer. You should see the mail I got from those who read the article in the papers- "Pissed-off" women, polite but seething. I tried to be objective, apparently women don't want the Whisperer to give "dogging" legitimacy.

laspapi said...

ide- they say I need permission to see you.

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

i need to start a 'man whisperer' column.

princesa said...

Lesson learnt Sir!
When next a guy tells me-"I love you"... am going to ask him what exactly he loves.
Thanks for this.

Sherri said...

i don't think that should in any way be confused with loving. attraction, hooking up...warefa.
but im loving the tag tho. LIM instead of dogging or hoing/tramping. lol

laspapi said...

@ 36"- I seem to be inspiring t'ings. How are you, 36"?

@ princesa- glad you like this, princesa. Thank you for for stopping by.

@ sherri- I just added LIM to cyber jive? Thanks for spotting this, Sherri...

catwalq said...

oya, next topic of discussion is...?
I am tired of hearing why men no gree siddon one place. U guys' wiring is just spectacular. I wonder if I studied it, if I can invent a new source of power....
hmnnnn...*scratching chin in thought*

Babawilly said...

Love more than one at a time ke? Where is the energy? To cope with one is more than enough trouble. I wonder how polygamists cope. I don't think it is possible to love in multiples. That will be akin to attempting to win the Nobel prise in Literature and Medicine in successive years. A job worth doing is worth doing well and loving na work. Enjoyable work but work all the same.

laspapi said...

catwalq- yeah, trap all that energy and you've found a sub for sola power. Not all men are rovers. Look at baba willy for instance.

@ baba willy- you're not the "average joe" in my opinion. Often, many men can't be bothered to think things through like you just did.

Mommy said...

That is why men are 4rm mars and women 4rm venus...or is it the other way round?

rethots said...

A friend said; "men can love in multiples while women multiply love."

~Mimi~ said...

hmmmm...love is not lust jo.

lol that's my one sentence...

one is selfish the other is not.

okay, two sentences...

how r u papi?

3 sentences...

Buki said...

I believe you.
Men can love in multiples. ALL MEN (both sexes) can love in multiples. I am not being feminist, but perceptive.
The modern tide is fast obliterating gender and it is no longer startling to hear of a male who is in love with another male and even in love with a female at the same time. Or vice - versa. And in most cases it is TRUE LOVE on all sides.

One thing a lot of men never realize is that a woman is the only one who truly knows who she loves and how many they are, and how she makes sure they all keep on loving her.

Case Study: A virtuous woman with a very good looking male PA...
He has worked with her for 25years and is utterly devoted to her, for no gold plated reason.

Her best friend since she was 6years old...He taught her how to ride a bicycle, she has a nickname for him and he never forgets birthdays, anniversaries, etc and even though they are both now 60years old, they are still unbreakable.

Her Mentor (professional, educational, spiritual etc) He calls her "my daughter" but inwardly he wishes she was more...

Every man is capable of being just like one of these men to some woman.

A woman could love all these men TRULY, MADLY, DEEPLY at the same time without compromise.

Only SHE knows how to play the right strings in any of these men's hearts even if what she wants if for them to kill her husband.

Georgevna said...

Hey Papi love it! You're as hot as ever...well thanks for dropping by my blog, as you can see i've made a come-back and it's here to stay...Enjoy my crazy world!

Georgevna said...

Well Papi, A woman may know many things about a man (more than is sometimes healthy for her) but the one great mysteries that faces all women is 'what they really want' No woman can actually answer that question...sure she can give you the basics of a career path, a nice old dream...but true to type just as she changes soccer teams with a change in boyfriend so also she changes her mind with each new wave of emotion/relationship.
Pathetic hmm? But one thing my friend is certain 'everywoman deserves happiness'

laspapi said...

@ mommy- you're right, Men are from Mars...

@ rethots- I like that quote, rethots. That's a very good one.

@ ~mimi~ Are you telling me the lines never get blurred? I know the theory, ~mimi~, but sometimes in practice, don't we get mixed up a bit?

how are you, idol? missed you.

@ buki- that was a startling comment. You have a very interesting perspective, its also the kind many people wouldn't readily give voice to. Respect.

@ georgevna- glad to have you back. You've been away for a while. Women sometimes align their dreams with those of the men they love? I guess many do that, never putting their own aspirations first.

laspapi said...

@ buki- you wrote all that and your blog isn't accessible? Pls let me know when I can come over.

catwalq said...

Catwalq International Academie III is here!!!!!

Mona said...

LASPAPSSSSSSSSSS!

IM SOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY

im sure uve disowned me ehn?!!

joo joo ma binu, joo

i absolutely love ur girl whisperer write ups hmmm

so i will make sure i see u in december this time oh - God willing :o)

any plays coming up? havent seen any posters/flyers on here in ages

One love - ur fellow blogger/friend

laspapi said...

Open Letter To My Mona

You were my first real friend in the world of blogs. Then you disappeared without a goodbye. I'm glad you're back. I'm looking forward to seeing you when you come down.