Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

The Domestic Boxer

as published in the Sunday Guardian of 22 April 2007

My father liked to say he went to school on a boxing scholarship. He had an ‘Oxford Blue’ and that fact formed an important part of his C.V.

What happens when the ‘boxer’ is one-part of a relationship meant to be romantic and loving? What happens when the man in the relationship knocks his partner about from time to time as he passes through the door, the same way some people kick their cats and dogs? Domestic violence is more rife than we care to acknowledge and ‘friendly fire’ that loosens a tooth here, breaks a rib or two, damages an eye socket or gives a black eye is more common place than we publicly accept. Still wide-spread practice does not make the act acceptable. Some women do not help matters either. Displaying the “Stockholm Syndrome” where a victim sympathises with, and ‘understands the abuser’, she says, “he’s really a kind man, I was the one who caused this”, “His only vice is that he hits me…a bit”.

Ladies, it’s time to wake up and smell the morning dew. No matter what a woman does, it can never be enough to warrant physical abuse, or be enough to justify a kick in the face.. It doesn’t matter what the prevailing influence is, whether drink, uncontrollable anger or a combination of both... if he’s hit you before, chances are, he’ll hit you again, and much harder. A man who gets his highs from feeling the soft flesh of a woman yield under his pummelling is too base to ever change. He’ll be back with a kick, a punch, a blow that will cause the loss of a pregnancy, internal bleeding, snap human bones like twigs or even worse, the loss of the life of the victim.
It’s not for nothing that studies show the police often hold the male figure in a relationship as the chief suspect when the woman dies. In the case of the death of a man, it’s his friends the police look at first.

What does a woman do if she’s the victim of battery? She runs hard and very fast, away from the pursuer as soon as she can. It doesn’t matter what physical benefits you leave behind. Just run. The chances are high that a man who has hit you before will do so again and again and again, no matter what he tells you. He’ll hit your head against a brick wall, try to break the bones of your legs by slamming a door into them as you lie prostrate on the floor, too weak to move. Run, Baby, Run.

Let the ladies understand this, there is no cure for a man troubled by this ailment, and the relationship is not punishment from God for your wrongdoings when you were younger. If you feel you can change him, make the change from outside, not while still bearing the brunt of his blows from day to day. Don’t say leaving a man is not in our culture. Burying you young isn’t part of the culture either

For the men who do this, I’ll speak as a man. “Bro, you need help”. The man needs to sit and think and figure out how he became the very object he despised as a child. If a woman annoys you, walk away from her. Walk very far. If she continually wears you down and you feel your very soul will crumble into dust, leave the relationship. It is better to be alone than be on death row with other women-killers awaiting the hangman’s noose. It can’t happen? Wait and see.

It’s better to be known as Miss or Ms. than have a full page obituary dedicated to you in the papers saying, “Call to Glory”.

Run, Baby, Run.


Anonymous said...

I totally agree. It's the reason why i ran and never looked back.
Most women need to know this and I'm glad a sensible man can acknowledge it.

Good piece...Papi

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

True true true. Women in such relationships are usually reluctant to leave. Like, seriously, it's not a curse to be single, like really. Single>Dead...

laspapi said...

Thanks, anon & 'sewa

Kafo said...

thank u oooo
i'm tired of having to explaining to women that they didn't deserve the beating.

i wish all men thought like u

omohemi Benson said...

Great piece,
Violence in any relationship should not be condoned.

Noni Moss said...

Nice article as ever. Unfortunately, I'm totally spent on the subject of Domestic Violence.

Waffarian said...

Good article, although the psychology involved when it comes to women staying on in an abusive relationship, be it mental or physical is much more complicated than "stockholm syndrome".

Anonymous said...

Good message...very good message. I learnt the hard way.Daddy beat mommy for nearly 2 decades b4 she escaped with her life. I could be motherless as we speak. I thank God He had other plans because Daddy is selfish and cares about only himself and definitely wouldn't have taken care of us.
My mom is a survivor but she took too long to escape. The society in Nigeria isn't supportive enough of battered women. This message is very timely because so many people are going through this.

laspapi said...

thanks, kafo

@ omohemi- very correct, omohemi

@ noni- I'll go check, noni

@ waffy- not in all cases, waffy. Sometimes the women just make excuses for these men. They dont see a world outside their situation.

@ anon- I agree with you. We must move to the level where we have protection for battered women and punitive measures against men who unleash this form of terrorism.