Sunday, April 01, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

Pimp my Bride

by laspapi

as published in the Sunday Guardian of April 1

For those men willing to hold on to their true loves even though the shortcomings of these partners are beginning to drive them crazy, its time to "pimp your bride". For the females willing to avoid gridlocks in their relationships, they must be willing to be pimped too.

Let us start with an overview of the situation as it appears the female partner has the odds stacked against her. She must make breakfast, take care of the home, go shopping, appear nice, smell wonderful, have lunch ready, and even supper.

Often, the female is too tired after work or school to bother with looking good, she just wants to slump into a chair, hair limp from the pespiration of cooking, sip a drink and gaze in quiet and peace on an episode of "Desperate Housewives".

Unfortunately for her, the man is coming in from having passed the seductive vixen at the office in a miniskirt that would be illegal in most Arabic countries, a vixen with legs to die for. He has just sniffed the expensive and heady perfume of his colleague at work and is totally unprepared and unwilling to forgive his partner at home who has forgotten to wash the stench of the fish she made for supper, of her body. A man coming in once or twice to meet his partner reeking of tripe and animal entrails used in the preparation of the lunch stew can be gracious, but when it becomes a steady pattern, he's going to look out for women who smell nice and not like abbatoirs.

Life is unkind, you may say, as all the trouble the woman at home goes through, is mainly for the man, yet he asks for a superwoman. A homely, clean, house keeping, career minded, beautiful type is what he wants. Its the way the odds are stacked and the woman at home or who intends to become the woman there, must be willing to take the extra step, must be willing to match the woman outside, and take care of the details. The key is in the little details...the stringy hair, food between the teeth, dirt under the nails...the little things. A woman who can take care of the little details as well as the large ones secures herself and her home.

The overweight man with a paunch and beer breath should not assume that the woman is content with him the way he is. She goes out daily too and sees the clones of D'banj strolling the streets with firm bodies, toned muscles and six packs for stomachs. He must remember the woman has desires too and being the bride of michelin man is not top of her list.

"Pimping" is a two way issue and both sexes must try to be the best they can be for each other. A long time ago, Ray Parker Jnr sang, "A woman needs love just like you do...she can fool around just like you do". Except for partners in denial, the way we add value to ourselves at work is the same way we must add value to relationships.

Next week, we'll talk about how to know when your partner's sharing himself/herself with others apart from you.


Waffarian said...

Hahahahahah! So true! at last, a man says it how it is! This laspipi self!

Waffarian said...

And, are you always up this late?you dey take this your blogging work seriously oh!

omohemi Benson said...

This a great article laspapi,
So true!
When I first saw the title,I was like ok lets see but when I read it,wow.
In this society,pimping is always thought to be the woman's job alone why the guy makes no effort with the excuse of "he is a man!".

It is not an easy thing,but once you put your mind to making your relationship or marrige work,you can achieve it.
Thanks Laspapi.
So have you been pimped?

chidi said...

lol! nice post. it is so true that all we have to do is put our mind & effort into a realtionship and it would work

Naija Vixen said...

Chai!"bride of michelin" and "clones of d'banj" so going to look for ways to work these phrases into future convos ;-) but i reluctantly agree with you are saying sha ;-)


well said laspapi!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha. My hubby said I've become a better lover since I started going to the gym after my daughter was born. Any time he says it I look at what has now become a beer belly and say can't you do the same for me. His reply...I'm a man now. sigh.

laspapi said...

What can I say, waffy?

@ omohemi- pimping is a continuous state, dear. Working at it.

@ chidi- thanx for stopping by. A relationship is a 2-way thing

@ vixen- you plagiarist, you.

@ 36"- t'anx babe

@ anon- well said anonymous. Men can be complacent

Noni Moss said...

:-D I like that you express both sides of the equation. Nice one! i was laughing at the lines

"A man coming in once or twice to meet his partner reeking of tripe and animal entrails .... not like abbatoirs"

Reminds me of that song - Wives & Lovers

Hey, little girl,
Comb your hair, fix your make-up.
Soon he will open the door.
Don't think because
There's a ring on your finger,
You needn't try any more

For wives should always be lovers, too.
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
I'm warning you.

Day after day,
There are girls at the office,
And men will always be men.
Don't send him off
With your hair still in curlers.
You may not see him again.

For wives should always be lovers, too.
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you.
He's almost here.

Hey, little girl
Better wear something pretty,
something you'd wear to go to the city.
And dim all the lights,
Pour the wine, start the music.
Time to get ready for love.

Oh, time to get ready,
Time to get ready,
Time to get ready
For love.

Mamarita said...

The interesting lives of women....and people marry because???

omohemi Benson said...

Noni I love the poem.

laspapi said...

noni, you got that spot on, and those lyrics tell the whole story. I think women forget Eve was the only woman who didn't have to try since Adam's only alternatives were zebras. Forgive any trace of chauvinism in that statement.

@ mamarita- social pressure is often a very compelling reason, 'marita. Unfortunately, many dont think of the year/decade after

@ omohemi- I love the song/poem/lyrics too. Its very well done.

again @ anonymous- your words made me think of what male folk take for granted. We all ought to be wary of taking women for granted

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Nice!!! Some guys say farting, peeing or taking two with the man present isnt good either, but its supposed to be for better for worse lol.
LOL@Dbanj clones, i dont mind a little belly tho, it's kinda cute.

Someone asked me about Prof Wole
Soyinkas plays and if there was any theatre work on them, i gave her the link to your blog, she'll prolly send you an email.

Laspapi, you're looking fresh, nah you biko:D Oh, please say to Bolaji for me, hehehe.

Waffarian said...

Oh boy, abeg, update now! ah ah! and where are all those pics you promised us? don't tell me they are still "washing" them!!!!!

Noni Moss said...

Thanks Omohemi - but I cant take any credit ;-)

Its actually a Burt Bacarach song - recorded by many but i think famously by Dionne Warwick.

laspapi said...

omosewa, don't do No. 2 with the man present o. Keep some mystery. No.1 itself is problematic. There are somethings that shouldnt be shared.
Thank you for the Prof Soyinka link. There's a major season in July I'll give details on soon.
As for Bolaji, If he begins to look for you, don't fob him off o.

@ waffy- calm down, love. We've gone past the age of washing pictures in Nigeria (I think). Updating soon.

@ Noni- Still, m'dear, that was an appt reference you gave. Very befitting.

feefey said...

yeah, thats rite, but u know it is very allowed or understandable for the women, but for the pot bellied, beer stinking, embarassing, frumpy looking.... men, its a BIG shame

Anonymous said...

lol.. i like this article... and the song noni put up... and its true.. a lot of times.. in relationships and marriages.. people get too comfortable...

laspapi said...

@ mimi- such venom, dear...

@ Storm- You should be writing the 'Man Whisperer'

Anonymous said...

don't we both leave for work before 7 am, get bak by 6pm? o.k good, so he sits b4 d t.v. feet up, belly drooping while i'm slavin away in d kitchen... fish entrails, tripe et al, yet my man wants a perfumed wife, wat da heck! laspapi, i don't think u've done justice 2 dis situation, men r 2 complacent, who says men should always be men, dis is d 21st century, he shld pik 1, perfumed wife or savoury food! y don't u dedicate more space 2 wat guys need 2 do about themselves, u only gave it 1/5,a teensie weensie 1/5.

laspapi said...

I'll try to be more balanced in future.
Personally, sha, I want the whole works, perfumed wife and savoury food. Life is hard.