Sunday, July 01, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

written by laspapi

as published in the Sunday Guardian

of July 1, 2007

He loves me…He loves me not…

My very cute friend, Omosewa, whose name directly translates to mean “beautiful child” is studying in America but is under siege by potential suitors from all over the world. She asked me to talk about how females can know “a guy who is totally into them”, or in general parlance, a man who really cares.

This is for all females like Omosewa, who want to be sure.
Firstly, you must understand that men fall in love faster and harder than females do and also usually attempt to break up first. Women, generally, inspect potential relationships closely, wondering and worrying if they are doing the right thing. With men sometimes, it is more of an impulsive act, and actions are taken which they live to regret. The clumsy attempts to retreat by these hasty men often causes bad blood.

You must trust the Whisperer when he says it can be difficult to tell the difference between a man who is infatuated and one who is in love. Often, for many a man, the lines are blurred and the same motions are practiced in each situation. For the man who is dextrous at lying to females, he will tell you the things you need to hear. Be careful you take his words in like perfume; they are meant to be inhaled and not swallowed.

Don’t be anxious to start a relationship with any man until you know a bit about him. A time-tested secret of men will be shared today. Some will ask a female whom they feel likes them, if it is true all girls can in five minutes of meeting a stranger, tell a man they might have a relationship with. This is a question with a trap-door underneath. Often, the female being queried agrees she has the powers of Nostradamus and then springs forth another question right on the heels of the first- “Could you have a relationship with me?” Again, following the auto-suggestion of the first question, the girl says “yes”, not allowing common sense to prevail. In effect, the prey has been boxed into a corner by the predator. Usually, these “shot-gun” relationships speedily disintegrate and if a girl has given her heart to a charlatan, she will learn that pain has dimensions not found in the dictionary. In affairs of the heart, your education and savvy matter little and when you fall, you fall hard. Females must always remember that “everybody is somebody’s fool”, the trick being not to have a relationship with a man who will treat you like a foot mat.

A girl must look to see if she has the undivided attention of the man. She must however, never mistake the frenzy of the hunt for undivided attention. Oftentimes, it is difficult to tell the difference but every female must hone the gift of discernment inherent in her.
Even when females make the right choices, there are some things that will be lost after a while in relationships. A man, after sometime, will no longer think it novel to stand by you in a hot kitchen while you cook. He might return to spending time with his friends; time which he gave you without stinting, previously.

In a potential relationship, the female must look long and hard at the proposing partner and after she has done this, she must pick up magnifying glasses and look again.
Some might ask, “where then is the spontaneity in relationships?” “Where is the magic? Where are the palpitations of the heart?” Right next to the heart break is what I’ll say in this instance. The world is littered with the walking wounded, hearts broken because of relationships not thought through.

It’s okay to be spontaneous if you’re looking for a fling or summer loving like John Travolta. However, if you’re in it for the distance, don’t be afraid to ask questions. If he thinks you’re a worthy prize, he’ll answer till you’re satisfied.


Mimi said...

:) hiiiiii groupie. please keep spreading the word oh!

ok, i like this your write-up, and i totally agree with almost everything..what i dont agree with is the line that said, 'men fall in love faster and harder than women'

First we need to define love. well let me define it according to God's standard, Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs,Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.

Needless to say this is a highhh standard for love, but that is what love is. anything apart from that is somethin else.

to find a man who is patient, who doesnt seek his own selfish desires is much harder than a woman.

women are natural givers (well...this age of women being labelled as gold-diggers makes that harder to justify but the fact still remains that women are still more likely to love more than the man, because it is part of their being)

:) men may lust after women more easily, but to love? thats a higher calling that we are all trying or should be trying to reach!

now to the women who just jump into relationships without thinking in depth, it's not because they want their hearts broken, it's because they are seeking love...but in all the wrong places!

well done once again!

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Laspapiscosco, the beginning cracked me up, heheheheheehehe. Thanks a lot, i will print it out and read it everymorning:D I read Mimis comment and i see what she means. I guess you meant 'love', when you said guys fall in love faster, not the one that endures. Thanks, you're the coolest, mwah!

Waffarian said...

"Some might ask, “where then is the spontaneity in relationships?” “Where is the magic? Where are the palpitations of the heart?” Right next to the heart break is what I’ll say in this instance".

Laspapi, without palpitations of the heart? no magic? What kind of love is that? If that is not what love should be then I guess I have been fooled. A dreamer perhaps?

"It’s okay to be spontaneous if you’re looking for a fling or summer loving like John Travolta".

Laspapi, I strongly disagree. I believe in following your instincts and sometimes that requires a lot of spontaneous decisions. A lot of great loves in the world have been borne out of spontaneous decisions. When one is being spontaneous, it is usually done when the person is being true and honest that is why such decisions often require no planning because the person at that moment truly believes in whatever they decide. You talk about heartbreak, there is no relationship that can be "fullproof" of that, it does not matter how many questions you ask, how much planning you do or analysing.

Ehnnn, me I want the whole thing oh, heart racing, magic, magic and more magic. I won't settle for less. I rather dream of that than have a relationship with no magic.

BlogVille Idol said...


laspapi said...

~mimi~, I like ur scriptural definition of love. Those are good ideals to strive for, but what happens in relationships where you are buffetted by so many other 'carnal' factors and you have to hold your breath when you want to "keep records of your in-laws wrongs" or refrain from "self-seeking" where he wants to buy his mum a 2nd car while yours is falling apart?
I'd like to do a study of this kind of relationship,and see how well one can apply the corinthians ideal all the way through. Its a good thing to strive for this kind of standard, though.

Glad you stopped by, ~mimi~. "Stand up, Stand up for the Blogville Idol..."

@ omosewa- anything for you, beautiful child. Look closely.

@ waffarian- sometimes we miss gold dust because it's mixed with sand. At other times, we mistake zirconnia for diamonds.

"A lot of great loves in the world have been borne out of spontaneous decisions"- I think you really mean a lot of 'relationships' have been borne out of spontaniety. I'm talking of the long haul here, and I believe you ought to ask youself if you can bear skid marks on ur sheets for the rest of your life or his/her propensity to do things you consider anathema.

My instincts at one time, waffy, were to attempt to have a relationship with every girl I found very attractive. The instincts of man is to sow wild oats when he has a wonderful woman already. We don't always follow our instincts, they can be base ones. Every relationship should have magic, it just shouldn't becloud your vision permanently. Palpitations of the heart might be a bit difficult for a woman trying to breast-feed a baby at 7.30am while two other children wail that they're not going to school even though the school bus is hooting outside, and her "magic" partner strolls past with barely a glance.

If Omosewa, were the Whisperer's own sister, I'd tell her, "follow your heart" but look very closely. "Heart racing" will not sustain a long-term relationship.

Idemili said...

We need to form a fan club for you Papi. Do you reckon the guys whose game you are spoiling hate you? LAWL
Great write-up.

Naija Vixen said...

Another great act on impulse while women think everything matter how spontaneous we appear to be...there's usually a great deal of thought behind every move...

Anonymous said...

Love this post Laspapi! Get out of my head!!...was just thinking about this always learn something new from your "Girl Whisperer" posts....keep it ip!

Anyway, I'm sure a good number of females can relate to Omosewa. We constantly get the "How come you're still single...when all these men on your case" questions...I think what some people fail to realize is that even though heartbreaks can never be predicted, a little bit more scrutiny at potential relationships could lessen the possibilities.

Haven said that, we females need to know that since we are the more rational of the sexes(don't bite me o!,it is mostly up to us to think deeply about the relationships we enter. This is because a good number of these guys themselves(whether they really are or not) think they are in love. Most of the time they are only caught up in the excitement of the chase, or just simply lustful. It is therefore up to us not to blinded by "..magic, and palpitations of the heart". Instead this is the time to take out our magnifying glasses and see past the lyrics.

"Love" as the bible says is indeed patient....You will soon sense an inconsistency with those who merely "think" they are in love. Leaving THAT ONE who really does think you are worth sticking around for while you make your decision.(and i dont mean sticking around while also "keeping his options open" by toasting other babes on the side oh!)

Anyway that brings me to my question Laspapi. At what point do we females look too closely at the risk of overanalysis? (something I have sometimes been accused of). For it is only natural that if you look closely enough at something, you are bound to find imperfections. And where do you guys decide that you have been patient enough, and waiting further would be a waste of time? How do you differentiate a girl who is sincerely looking closely from someone who is just doing "shakara", playing hard to get or plain indecisive. How patient is your love?

Anonymous said...

Thanks Laspapi. I tell all my sisters and friends that a boyfriend is different from a husband.Spontaniety can be for flings but in choosing a spouse...forget Cindarella and Snow White stories of Knights in shining armour who sweep you off your feet. Be cold, calculating(sorry it's unromantic and crushes all schoolgirl fantasies but it's the hard truth). As women we can learn to love. Find a decent man who loves you and is really into you. Thanks for this Papi.

@Omosewa...hope you are taking notes from the master

Refinedone said...

Ok! Laspapi I officially dub you the "Sir Knight", speaker of the truth to the Sisterhood!...Honour nary member of the Sisterhood! if the brotherhood tries to take you out for your service to the assured i guess you have the Sisterhood to watch your back! :)

Sir Knight

Anonymous said...

I LOVE YOU!! errrr...i mean for what you just wrote. I'm not being boxed in a corner here, tryn to justify the fact that love does exist at first sight, but what you wrote was just honest and heartfelt.
I love it!! Love it!!

This is what i find common in Naija men in Nigeria. I have 'met' a couple of Naija men who are so quick to dish out those words "I love you". It amazes me. Some of them i'm have never met, but just by a simple phone conversation, they are smitten and already fallen. Some i had the pleasure of a chance encouter while on vacation in Naija and once again, they've fallen.
I think Nigerian men needs to be lectured that the warming sensation down in their loins does not necessarily equate to love. Its that 'common wild fire' that always burning in naija men in Naija that makes them want to quench it with whomever agrees/is available and is in skirts!
And us females need to step up our mental game and understand when its about the physical and when its about the mental.

Keep writing such sincere and honest thots...Luvn it!

R said...

Men fall in love faster and harder? I SO didn't see that coming.

Hmmm. Interesting.

laspapi said...

@ d goddess- I received hate-mail from some guy once about teaching "already loose women" to lie. Oya, gather the ladies, ide...I'll be doing seminars soon ;P

@ vixen- I learnt the hard way, vixen. Women do think.

@ aijuswanaseing- lovely writing. I think it's possible girls might "over-inspect" but if you admit to a guy that you like him and tell of your fears, he probably won't get tired in just a few days of your careful nature. He'll probably respect you the more for it. Still if you're going for the long haul, it's wise to be careful. As you said, too much scrutiny will always reveal flaws and as my mother used to tell me , "Whisperer, no woman is perfect". Women must remember that no man is perfect too and yield a little. But there are always some things that shouldn't be compromised. If you like cleanliness, don't do a slob.

@ anon- you're right, there must be a certain amount of ruthlessness in any girl that wants "long term". Give your love glasses, because your physical, emotional and mental well being will be at stake. A guy who's started giving you a few "friendly" slaps while dating might not be your dream man.

As for being the "master", I thought it might be good to use the expereiences of "the days of rage" for the betterment of humanity.

@ refinedone- thanks for the honour. I shall arise and guard the sword you have entrusted me with, promising truth, trust, loyalty and celibacy...strike the last one.

@ Uche- I love you too, Uche. Ok, I love what you wrote. Sometimes it's not just the stirring of the lions that makes the man say the three magic words. Sometimes its the fact that he feels so good about and around you. There are a number of females I care for in blogville but does that mean I love them? Well, maybe in some way, but not in a way that means I intend to make our relationships intimate.
As you wrote, a man can say "I love you" to a voice, which should tell us something about how men reason.

@ r- thank you, r. I fell in love with you through the things you wrote.

Anonymous said...

As promised I'm back.

Very good reading but thought I add some other pointers.

I believe when you know who you are, you know whether a guy loves you or not. When I say who you are it is not measured by such things as the job you do or the clothes you wear. How many guys are after you, who you have dated and not dated. Because we seem to measure who we are by such things.

But it goes deeper my sisters it's aboout you passion, you strenghts and weakness, your tolerance level,your ability to listen, your abilty to encourage, your ability to care. Do you love you and do you know you?

Sister friends it about knowing what you want and do not want. And please I'm not talking about the superficial list that some of us have which states he has to be driving a particular brand of car, he has to be a lawyer or doctor, six foot tall and handsome. Sisters there's more to love.
Can the car and the profession sustain you long term. It might meet some of your needs but not all.

Sisters look for what's in that person heart, what are their friends and family like. Does he treat you with respect. Does he keep his word. What does he love about you is it just your body shape or is it the complete you, your smile, your abiltiy to encuraage him, you ability to listen to him.Does he bring out the best or worst in you?

If we are honest as women we can tell a player straightaway. But for some reason or another we choose to ignore these signs. God has given us a gift and it's our intution, we need to use it.

I have kissed many frogs but one day I decided that this has to come to an end. I know that my prince will come but whilst I wait I'm doing work on me discovering who I am daily. Remember you need to be whole someone else cannot do that for you. A person treats you the way you allow them to treat you.

But I still think you need to be spontaneous sometimes even when it for the long haul!! Still working on the happy ever ending boy meets girl and girl meets boy!!! We need a bit of escapism sometimes

laspapi said...

I know this anon is different from anon 1. Thank you for the pointers.

Noni Moss said...

Hmmm interesting take. I dont think men fall in love (whatever version of love you want to claim) faster than women but that's a moot point. I think that sometimes, women when they're not sure about the lyrics a guy is saying sometimes just give in a little to see how it goes. Sometimes there's no way of truly knowing if a guy is being truly sincere until you give him a shot. Not even the prospect of waiting months will deter some guys if they are determined. Some people just REALLY love the thrill of the chase and then get bored once they've got the prize. There's really no way of knowing until you give it a shot. If it works, great, if it doesn't - surely isn't that part of the many joys of actually living?

Oh well.

Seeing as you take requests? How about writing a piece for women who dont have any offers on the table and are looking to attract decent men? It will be interesting to read your take on how to get a man. Actually qualify that - how to get a good man!

Anonymous said...

Laspapi. corect one. I dont hate for what you write, but sometimes maybe its amunition for the girls we fall fools too.
write something for the men who fall victims like ur girl omosewa requested for the ladies.

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Hi Laspapiscosco, came back to read...*sigh*

The beginning cracked me up still, and you owe me a grad gift, 'cause mo ti setan, hehehe