Wednesday, July 04, 2007

I had that kind of day today, so I thought I'd go unwind at the Silverbird galleria. I like to watch movies by myself, sometimes. When the movie finally started, I looked for a place where I could absorb the plot and lines of "Premonition" with Sandra Bullock. You know how it is with drama on the screen, one has to concentrate.

So the movie started with about 20 people scattered around the hall. After a short while, this guy came in with a girl and for some reason, chose to sit next to me, his girl, beside him. It didn't take long before his phone rang and he began a lengthy conversation on it. When he finished, he commenced another lengthy dialogue with the girl by his side.

When I couldn't take anymore, I clambered over a row of seats with my bottle of water, so as to get away from him and sat at the end of the row just in front. Then I felt popcorn thrown at me. I looked and there were two girls to my left side, looking at me. One had thrown the popcorn and she signalled me over. The seats between me and them were empty and even though I tried, I couldn't make out the face of the thrower. I felt it might be my friend, Deola, who's a maniac about movies. So I moved closer. Complete strangers. They stared back at me. The thrower asked me to stay where I was, right beside her, and I did. I felt she was some movie buff commiserating over the talkative I had fled from so I turned back to the screen.

Then I felt her hand on my arm. A caress. She did it again... and again. Asked me questions about the movie while pressed against my arm. When I sat forward in my chair, leaning away from her, she asked belligerently, "what's the matter with you?" I explained diffidently that "I had stuff I was thinking about". After that, there were no more caresses. I felt fleeing to another row of seats might cause other people in the hall to wonder about me. Then she looked at Sandra Bullock's eyes and said to the screen in a loud voice, "She(Bullock) knows this woman is "skrulling" her husband", cackled and repeated the line again for everone to hear. Then she asked me softly, "does she know that woman is skrulling her husband?" After trying to decipher for a few seconds, it struck me that she meant "screwing".

And then came the climax of the film and as people in the audience gasped repeatedly, she began to shriek in ibo (I could tell she was yoruba, so her expletives were ghastly in rendition). This time, I found the courage to flee towards Frank, the anchor of the Nigerian version of "Who wants to be a millionaire" who had come in sometime after the movie started. I spent the last few minutes with Frank and his friend, while my caressing friend sneaked glances at me, then I walked out with Frank. Frank, like his programme, had thrown me a "life-line". I didn't see her again.

You might meet the girl of your dreams in a dark hall at the theatre but I can bet she won't start carressing your arm 3 minutes after meeting her. I don't do tramps and I reckon I'm beyond sex for sex' sake now, or even worse, paying for it.

Maybe she's found someone else to skrull.

42 comments:

Waffarian said...

I thought i left a comment before? anyway, poor you! na wah!

mystoriesmytestimonies said...

lol
kpele..
lagos na wa...
i have that movie...bootleg copy
love sandra bullock...

JJ said...

lol @ scrulling...lol! What a bold move that was...i still can't wrap it around my head how people would do such a thing.
With that desperate move, yes i'm sure she found someone else to scrull...

Araceli said...

That's why I like the fact that you are not an anonymous blogger. It's hard for non-anonymous bloggers to make up stories, but it's even harder to say it as it is. See you soon, laspapi...

Ore said...

LOL! I guess she thought that most guys would jump at the opportunity for some no-strings-attached TLC.

It's been ages since I went to see a film by myself. I used to do it quite often at one point too.

36 INCHES OF BROWN LEGS said...

doesnt that just scream 'desperate' ha ha na wa o!!!!!!!! i hope she found someone else to 'scrull' nonsense!!

Refinedone said...

Papi aka Sir Knight,

This brings me to ask you something …from a guy’s perspective.
Is there a difference between overtly sexy and being sensual?
….Like the girl at the cinema (that is if she is not a *pro*) some girls think when they come up to guys all sexy and suggestive and in your face-it is a turn on…I personally don’t think so( I’m not a guy and I don’t bat for the other side ) …I think it’s crass and trampy.

Would like to know what the whisperer thinks about this…
Sexuality vs. Sensuality.

yinka oguntokun said...

Ha Wole! Another 'flower in my ganden' encounter! I think you should stay indoors for a year.

yinka oguntokun said...

.... I tried to resist this.....

"skrull you"

Cheetarah said...

Yuck,creepy chick!lol! Nice line- Frank offered you a life line! Kpele jare u escaped being skrulled:)

laspapi said...

@ waffarian- thanks...

@ my stories- I didnt like the end though. I'm into happy endings...

@ jj- I still can't figure what she was about. I hope she found happiness last night...

@ araceli- thank you, araceli. I'm one of your greatest fans as you well know. looking forward to having you back in town.

@ ore- why'd you stop, Ore? Sometimes its great fun doing the cinema thing alone. As for that girl, I think there'd have been strings of some sort. My life already has enough complications as is.

@ 36"- She seemed rather anxious for company. I was really worried about finding an escape route.

@ refinedone- that sounds like an interesting one, sexuality v. sensuality. I'll do something about that.

@ "jinta"- yeah, another "flower in my 'ganden' ". I don't know where they come from. I think I'll take your advice and stay indoors for a while with cable tv. Not that I do much of crawling, apart from the galleriato see movies.

Nice one with the "skrulling" pun.

laspapi said...

you gorritt, cheetarah, I escaped the experience of a lifetime. How are you doing?

In my head and around me said...

Now that is just plain scary.

Jola Naibi said...

OhhhhKaaay...I am guessing randomly that this young lady has seen one too many movies where boy meets girl in a spontaneous out of the blue fashion and they just hit it off and well... Somewhere along the line someone must have forgotten to tell her that some of what happens on the silver screen stays there and does not necessarily transfer itself to real life.

Naija Vixen said...

Lol!!! Na wa oh...Silverbird na real wa o!!! Premonition didnt live up to its hype,to me though.

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha. this is sooo funny. It made my day.She should "skrull" off.

Ugo Daniels said...

I'll be damned. Bros, you just had a brush with a lunatic...lol! Imagine the nonsense..Haba. If she's that horny, she should go look for other skrullers

exschoolnerd said...

lol @skrulling...na wa o!

i recently went to see a movie alone and it wasnt bad as i thought...only i had one evil child kicking me thru out the movie...not caressing my hand..that'd have been better sha...

Omosewa said...

lollll!! Lmao@scrulling, english as a 1000th language. Hehehehe @ moving from frying pan to fire.:D

~Mimi~ said...

morals do not exist any longer. na wa.

laspapi said...

@ in my head- hehe!

@ jola naibi- she didn't even look like Nicole Kidman. Didn't she see Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman"? *hiss*

@ vixen- what kind of end was that to a movie? Let's not be spoilers for those who intend to see it, though.

@ anon- glad I made you laugh. I was wondering what kind of movie this girl and I were enacting in a movie theatre...

@ ugo- that word "lunatic", fits that girl to a T. She was crazy. Aren't these type of girls afraid of picking up weirdos?

@ ex school nerd- hehe! at the evil child kicking your seat. I can imagine the exasperation.

@ omosewa- English for dummies, That girl didn't pay attention in her secondary school.

@ ~mimi~- morals? whazzat? seriously though, there are many things wrong because of the collapse of values.

catwalq said...

hahahahahahahaha
molested in the theatre?
i know u feel used and abused bit I find your Yoruba igbo-speaking, popcorn-throwing, body caressibg molestor hilarious.
E pele ehn, sorry

Jaycee said...

ha ha ha........lollllllllll...

Ike Anya said...

Skrull...Haha

Ike Anya said...

http://nigeriahealthwatch.blogspot.com/

Nyemoni said...

Hahahahaha! This is hilarious! i mean. for real? I can't believe this...LOL. skrulling ko, skrulling ni..

Anonymous said...

Papi...I can't blame her, omo ri fine boy (abi i lie say u fine)...and she just couldn't help herself. I would do the same minus the carressing (that one would have caused wahala as I have magic fingers) and the "skrulling her husband"....abi ...jare feel flattered...

I read English for Dummies in all editions...lol lol..don't mind me..just thought that was funny

U didn't stop her from "carressing" u ni? Omo na ma bold gan ni...Wonders shall never cease...


What's next in the adventures of Wolzie? Hope no more "skrulling" sha...

Which one is flower in my ganden? abeg gist us now :-)

Toks- Boy said...

I'm assuming the throwing of popcorn was the foreplay bit before the main show...:-> wonder how many times that has worked before?

regal1 said...

Sorry to hear about your mishap.Thought I'll stop being anonymous after this. This is anon who promised to return to your blog.

My grandmother always says to me what ent meet u ent pass u in life. So I guess this is one of those things.

akin aworan said...

All that palaver just to watch a movie?? Baba N'la nonsense!!

R said...

OK for some odd reason, this made me laugh so hard, I was on the verge of tears.

No particular part of it. Just all of it sounds absolutely hilarious.

Maybe I'm just in an odd sort of mood today.

naijagal said...

lol this is the funniest movie encounter i have ever heard of!!!!!!

...toyintomato said...

"skrull"...need to add this to my naija dictionary...hahahahahah

laspapi said...

@ catwalq- I thought I'd seen everything before this strange sequence happened. But I was so spooked, the hairs at the back of my head stood straight (and I always have very low hair cuts which should say something)

@ jaycee- was laughing too when I finally made it out of the theatre

@ ike- I'll check the link.

@ nyemoni- I didn't believe it either even as I watched it unfold. I see her face everywhere now. About 5' 3", dark, wearing braids, could pass for attractive in the darkness of a theatre.

@ anon- you have "magic fingers"? Of course, Wolzie is fine now, still it doesnt permit gang-rape at a theatre. Did I know if her companion was carrying a chainsaw? "The flower in my 'ganden' "- That happened when I was about 18 but my older brother still laughs at me till today. I'll tell you about it soon.

@ toks-boy- that bit about foreplay made me laugh. But come to think of it, if it had been some good looking, thorough-bred, anais-anais perfumed girl, it might have worked. Maybe. Only it's unlikely anais-anais would have tried to grope me within seconds. Babe couldn't take the ghetto out of herself.

@ regal 1- I like your grandmum's words, regal 1. Thanks for "unveiling". We'll 'see' again, won't we?

@ akin aworan- na so I see am. If I didn't have a blog, that incident would have faded with memory.
Trying to recall if you sent your pictures for the blog book.

@ r- glad you laughed, r. It was hilarious. How are you doing?
(laspapi singing)-"take me to nairobi where the girls come from..."

@ naijagal- blogging makes us share those crazy moments

@ toyin tomato- "skrulling" leads the way in Naija's ebonics.

Tayo said...

skrull? LOL. There are all types of girls at that Galleria place. I never knew there were such desperate ones. Thank God you "escaped"

Noni Moss said...

LMAO! You seem to attract the strangest types! What's up with that?

atinuke said...

LOL. This just made my work day a whole lot lighter. Na wa oh!!! I've never seen. People dont fear oh. Or is that they have only been watching the romantic movies and not the horror ones? (not that I'm saying you're a serial killer but abeg, pple should exercise caution oh)

Idemili said...

Hahahahahhahahahahah! Skruling! I have got to use that!

You're crazy Las.

laspapi said...

@ tayo- "mo bo lo wo won" (I slipped through their fingers)

@ noni- if only you knew, noni, if only you knew...

@ atinuke- you're quite right. Should any sane person be picking up people in a dark cinema hall? Maybe she liked the way my wide shoulders blocked the screen as I passed her. hehe.

@ idemili- I've been told that many times.

Kiibaati said...

Laspapi, you might have noticed that I always take a different point of view. Here I go again...

Imagine you are the Lady. Say late 30 something. All your life you watched the good guys pass you by.Then, there is this guy,they call him Laspapi. You kinda find him attractive. But he doesnt even SEE you when you stand beside him.And here you are in the same room with him. You've never done this before but they say all men want one thing. So you tried to be a seductress and it all went wrong. Now you feel like the earth should open and swallow you up. If you had a blog, you'd be too shy to blog about it. Unless you are anonymous. Give a girlfriend a break!.

laspapi said...

kiibaati, you have a thinking mind. Still I try to live my life as best as I can and hope for better things for us all.
Spero Meliora.

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lmao... oh papi.. so she wants to scrull you ehn?! hehe... goshh.. this is sooo bloody funny... premonition sucked by the way... i mean i could see what they were tryin to do.. but whatever they were selling in that movie.. me overwhelmed naija babe.. i wasn't buyin!