Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

as published in the Sunday Guardian

of 28th October

Desperate Housewives

There is a portion of married and engaged females that considers itself besieged and troubled by a major headache, the cause of which is the other portion of their gender that is not married or set to marry in the immediate future. The Whisperer’s definition of a desperate housewife encompasses any woman whether married, engaged, in gainful employment, or otherwise who lives in absolute fear that someone, anyone, is going to run away with her man. Some married women feel uneasy around single women, whether divorced, separated or single. Therefore, they go to great lengths to protect their ’property’ from this group they consider man-hungry. They phone their men up everywhere they go, search their mobiles for saucy texts and strange addresses and clandestinely sniff their clothes for feminine perfumes or lipstick smudges when their men come home. These actions might result in several things; the irritation of many men at these women who have turned bloodhounds, amusement at the amateur sleuths or downright anger.

Often, women give too much credit to the ability of their men to attract other females and assume everyone who smiles at him by the elevators or at the cinemas must be aiming to share his bed and wake up to his charming smile in the morning. The class of females who are amongst the most feared by the desperate housewives are the students, young girls in universities and polytechnics who have nubile bodies and faces untroubled by the creases of age. I would like to ask you to trust the Whisperer on this one; these young girls are too busy going to raves and clubbing to give much thought to your husbands. If you do not know what a rave is, you can see how far removed from their world you and your partner are. If you say this Whisperer knows nothing because you can swear to many girls of this age who are in full pursuit of men like your own, I would like to say I am not talking of the ladies of the night. The world has always had ‘ladies of leisure’ solely for economic reasons just as it has always had economic refugees; people who do it for the money. Her main interest is the ease your man can add to her life financially. It’s nothing personal.

Then there are the ‘senior’ singles as well as the separated and the divorced, some with their own kids. Those in this category are often too busy building their lives and careers to give much thought to entrapping your man. The assurance of this set of women can be threatening to the insecure desperate housewife because the other woman appears to have everything under control. Male companionship might be important to these people but leading meaningful lives is just as important and these ones will often not settle for damaged goods. I like to think of them as superwomen.

I was told of a club, solely made up of women interested in charity, which refused anyone without husbands to join. Apparently, the single women who had joined them at the beginning had looked at their husbands in ‘funny’ ways. This amused me no end, knowing the lengths some desperate housewives themselves go to, in pursuit of other men, whether single or otherwise. I know one, who travelled abroad, sought out an indifferent ex-boyfriend, arranged a clandestine appointment with him and engaged in activities lawful only between herself and her man at home. She created an alibi by enlisting the aid of another desperate housewife who had travelled with her. That one held on to her phone and fielded calls from the man at home while she was busy elsewhere. It’s a fearful world, I reckon, and we are reminded from time to time as to how debauched it can be.

So maybe, with the desperate housewives, it might be an accurate knowledge of themselves that makes them suspicious of others. I heard advice given to married females once, to follow their husbands everywhere, on every trip and every journey, to drive out other females who come to their homes improperly dressed, showing too much skin or whatever the definition of improper dressing might be, so their husbands would not be led astray. When men are followed everywhere, it creates the impression they are in prison and they will do anything to escape their jailer. All humans crave freedom.

Do not forget the saying, “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it is yours; if it doesn’t it never was”.

7 comments:

Isi said...

u are sooooo good at this ur 'girl whispering' laspapi, u deserve an award. seriously!!! Just recently my hubby hooked up with a couple of his friends who aren't married, and they've been spending time together. my (married) friends warned me against this, and i asked them what the hell they wanted me to do. the man is only 33, am i going to stop him from having a life away from his three musketeers (me and the two kids)?
i have no reason to suspect any foul play; i simply envy him in a good way. frankly if i can also meet up with some of my friends in school who are still single, i will be truly happy. they are a better gig than all of my married friends who bore me silly.
how was ur weekend laspapi?

Refinedone said...

You have decribed a marriage where the wife has some insecurities...and one or two things could end up happening...like you said the guy will feel he is in prison,the wife will end up loosing her mind and may be more...she will loose her self esteem and with that alot more could happen that could destroy the marriage. I have been given that same advice to follow my husband every where he goes when we move back home...(lol) so when I am following him everywhere will he be doing the same? I dont think i would like that, i beg I'm an adult for the love of God!
The one about a club only made of married women i dont know about that...when will we women start working together...abeg! there is more to that story....

@Isi, the married women i know are alot of fun o! :) you are invited on a day out with me ...

CATWALQ a.k.a LAGBA-JESS said...

"Often, women give too much credit to the ability of their men..."
I think we imagine that the same way we respond to him, every other female out there is going to do the same.

Women are a complex breed of human. Even more complex than the peculiar breed that is Men.
I would not be able to survive if my man demanded that I spend my every waking moment with him so also will I give him the opportunity to go catch his fun. I mean, imagine if he likes to play a sport that I don't like, you mean (and this is a rhetorical question not directly at you) that i should tag along and wreck his especially if he gets concerned that I am not having fun. Nooooo, I will pack him and his friends some sandwhiches and water and kiss him on his way.
Just like he most likely will not accompany me to watch an Indian film.
Trust is always the key.

laspapi said...

A reader from Warri sent me e-mail:

Hope you will welcome reactions to your column " The Girl whisperer".

Nice piece well put together. Kudos.
You know why? there are two sides to every coin.

Reaction:
The unfortunate thing here is that, those that are meant to benefit
from
this write-up may not even read it. Too bad.

These Desperate Housewives (DH) have very poor reading culture which
they
eventually pass on to their children who laze about watching
meaningless
movies.
If they invest most of their free time reading meaningful documents and
books, they will understand a lot of things/situations, issues of life
and
appreciate the pressures their mates are going through; because its not
easy
for the so called "Successful Man",(it takes hardwork to get to the top
and
more hardwork to stay/remain there)as there young ones struggling to
get
there or possibly kick them away from the top.
Rather spend their time and money on frivolous stuff and whine about
everything.

you are very correct about the young singles; they are really very
crazy
about themselves and just want to do their own thing instead of
tangling
with guys who do not care so much about them they dont care about the
matured men and their selfish needs.
Some of these DH's have young singles at home, who they dont understand
and
cant even relate well with, because they are worlds apart.

As for the matured singles (divorcees, single parents and all), they
are
really too carried away with their careers, kids to be involved/crazy
about
men.

DH's should give their hubbies all the support they need (in all
aspects of
life), rather than bicker and whine.
Their support will move their men to achive more and away drive them
into
their warm embrace. Tall order but it works like magic.

Well I hope all categories of women wake and put themselves together to
bring up balanced kids that will move this nation forward.

Regards
Ojite, Warri.

Sherri said...

u'r partially right,
if looks could kill! i have being subjected to "looks" by women in this class too often to count so i can only imagine what they put their husbands thru.. however, besides self esteem and insecurity issues i think the problem lies in the inequalities of the rules. i don't recon these women can be as carefree as their mates, they are often saddled with burdensome stereotypes of what a married woman should do and shouldnt do,what she should wear and shouldnt wear, etc...

Isi said...

@refinedone:
i can't seem to access ur blog. HELP!!

My 2 cents said...

I don't know about setting anyhting free. I am secure in my skin and leaving my man to his daily processes.

In his daily grind if he choses to step out on,I can assure him that there will be hell to pay.

I do not intend neither do I have the resources to follow any man around checking for what he does and who he does it with.

To each his own...Valid points about insecurities and in a lot of cases it does chase the man away.