Saturday, October 06, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

as published by the Sunday Guardian

of October 7

The Generation Gap

The older I get, the more I observe how it is perfectly possible for intimate partners to be separated by many years. Often, it is the man who is older, and frequently, ten to fifteen year gaps and sometimes even more, are no longer out of the ordinary. In some cases, it is the female who is older, one of the most celebrated cases worldwide being that of Demi Moore, ex-wife of the “Die-Hard” actor, Bruce Willis. Demi, a good-looking woman is 42 and her current husband, Ashton Kutcher, 27.

So, is there a problem with relationships that are between people of different generations? Theoretically, a man who goes out with a girl he is 16 or 17 years older than, is biologically able to father that partner. Should society frown at this manner of relationship, and if society does concern itself, should the partners care?

Sometimes, there is a danger inherent in people of the same age choosing each other as partners. The rapidity of the maturity of females can be mind-blowing in many cases. As a 15 year old, I had girls about my age who were “girlfriends” but in retrospect, I wonder what they really must have thought of my actions and ways of thinking then, and how some of my more immature actions must have appeared to them. Females have a tendency to mature faster than the male gender, in body and mind, accepting the reality that is life much faster than men do, and it is a rare 15-year-old male that can match up with his female counterpart in issues at that age. It takes a while, often, for the male to catch up in reasoning, in logic and in maturity.

Now, make no mistake, there are many relationships between age-mates and peers that work out very well, the male partner in this case having the necessary composure and presence of mind to ensure the smooth running of the partnership.

Some might say the relationship generation gap thing is just about men wanting to trade in older women for newer models, wanting slim, nubile ‘trophies’ instead of partners who are struggling to resist the pull of gravity on “assets” that were once prime estate. This might be true in some cases, but the truth remains that in many cases, men sometimes reach an age when they are as comfortable with their peers as with females who are much younger than they are. The natural poise of many women also enables them to carry on meaningful discourse with older men allowing relationships to develop. Men are sometimes drawn to younger women because many of the things the men have achieved attract the respect of the younger females. Women who have seen a man struggle through years of nothingness are less likely to be impressed by his strutting and preening when he finally achieves success. Some men seek the validity of appreciation from younger partners. A bit selfish, I reckon, but relationships even between peers come about for many reasons, some as strange as the one jut mentioned.

The other side of women attaining maturity and physical prime, faster, is that when men finally attain their physical prime, they usually stay there longer. There was an article I read a short while ago, where the female writer in her twenties (I can’t recall her name) said she found herself more and more, strongly attracted to PSGs or Powerful Sexy Greys as she put it. Men who even though aging and greying are at the acme of their confidence, assurance gained from years of overcoming obstacles, positive achievements and repeated successes.

So we go back to the question, is there anything the matter with relationships where there are huge age differences? The viewpoint of the Whisperer is that people must only have relationships they are comfortable with. Your life is yours to live exactly as you want and as long as your choice falls within the law, (a thirty year old having a relationship with a fourteen year old will spend a long time in prison and justifiably so), you may have anyone you desire as long as the person is willing to have you. Just ensure that both partners are qualified as adults within the law.

There will always be the generational gap issue in relationships, but it is the state of the hearts of those in the equation that matters. The key is finding someone you care about enough, and turning your back on prejudices that will bring you unhappiness.


Ms. Catwalq said...

Okay, where do I start? What do I say?

I am guessing your question is, when is the age gap, appropriate? Or at least, that is the question I think I can answer...

I personally have no problem with dating a much older man. I won't at this time because, we will not be on the same footing financially, mentally, spiritually and sexually.

I remember being propositioned at a job interview by an older man who indiscreetly asked me what my response would be if I was approached by an older man of his age. I was nineteen at the time, and it took all of my home training to tell him "politely" that I was sure to decline the advances because at that age, the only relationship a man his age could offer me should be that of a father. I didn't get the job. I came to the US instead.

Men like that most likely did not possess the social skills or the financial means to relate with women of their choice and now that they have made something of themselves, shamefully try to relieve their youth by running around with females the same age as their daughter ( I investigated and I was)

Now, if I had my own business, was financially stable, lived by my own rules and at 23, was attracted to a man in his forties who was single, disease free and matched my personality and drive, I would go for it. Today, right now, if one asked me out I would say no.

I could love him with all my might but an adult relationship does not live on love alone.

Refinedone said...

Nothing to add after that last paragraph.

Nuff said.

rethots said...

Well, 'tis what one wants that determines who one goes for. No wonder i agree perfectly with her; who "said she found herself more and more, strongly attracted to PSGs... Men who even though aging and greying are at the acme of their confidence, assurance..." 'tis her choice and she can't be faulted for it.

Sherri said...

an age gap is almost a pre requisite for a successful relationship.
see this :

my belief is, a difference in the doubled digit range and greater is simply pedophilic and perverted more especially when money and power are in the mix.

...toyintomato said... a firm believer in dating older men, i have to agree totally with what you have written.
maturity and psychological profile plays a huge factor in dating older guys.

i have always preferred and dated an age gap of 10yrs and above. i dont see anything wrong.

..sometimes society frown on this ,but i make no apologies for my happiness .

i am always flattered when an older single/divorced "AND NOT MARRIED" man makes a pass at me.
i feel both honored and impressed that someone who has been in this world way before me would be interested in my thots and what i have to say.

..PLS Note i am "not" referring to the illiterate old pot belly men in abuja( in this case, i always pira/run..haha)

omohemi Benson said...

Thank you for this post,
am going thru the exact same palava presently.

Thirty + said...

So Mr Papi what a gwan?
Are you hinting on somefink?.

Just thinking out loud, I wonder what Papi's motivation was for this write up (lol).

More and more people are getting liberal with age matters in relationship.

Joy Isi Bewaji said...

this might not sound so good, but i have very little regard for men who end up with wives half their age- it just doesn't 'look' right. to me, i get the impression they are afraid to 'match up' with a worthy partner that can challenge and drive them.
but it all depends on what we are looking for in a relationship. some are totally content with 'hot sex' and nothing more- no 'mental relationship' necessary whatsoever. some are desirous of just a pretty face beside them. others want money. and then there's the few who want partners in the true sense of the word. one they can laugh, play, work, and love at ease.
truth is everyone desires to fall under the last category, but most times we are looking for the wrong elements in people.
i tried hookin up a friend of mine to another friend of mine after the male had pestered me long enough to introduce him to any of my friends. i gave him the best one available. i was really upset when the female told me the male tuned her back when she introduced herself. i called the negro to find out why, he says: 'isi she's not good for me; give me one of your fiiiine friends.' i was heartbroken because this female is the most amazing woman i've ever known.
oh gosh, so loooooooong! lol!!!!

Mimi said...

ok papi, i havent been online in a while. and i wont say i read this word for word..i kinda scanned thru, not much time right now...sigh..

i'll get it all together soon, just droppin by :)

laspapi said...

@ catwa'q- well said, m'dear. 'res ipsa loquitur'

@ refined one- Thanks, refined one.

@ rethots- we bear responsibility for the choices we make.

@ sherri- paedophilic and perverted? Why can we accept a 9 year gap and not an 11 year? These things are relative, in my opinion.

@ toyintomato- it's good you know what you want, t-t. You can't get shortchanged when you hit the 'market'.

@ omohemo- It will be well. I believe that.

@ 30+ 'papi's motivation? Life itself and the very things that have motivated me in writing so much other stuff.
How r u doing?

@ isi- is it impossible to have a 'mental relationship' with a much younger person? There are many reasons for relationships even between age-mates, Isi, and sometimes it can just be 'hot sex' alone.

@ ~mimi~ pele. hope you're ok. Had wondered where you went.

Joy Isi Bewaji said...

Laspapi, u must understand that many people have a poor understanding of what relationship/marriage is all about. Some guy told me sometime ago that all he truly desires in marriage is sex and food, if he wants intellectual discussion, he’d go hook up with his pals. He’s been married for over five years and the arrangement seem to be working quite well for him. And he still maintains the sex has got to be good, or there’s no point being with one woman. Now tell me what someone like that would be up to when wifey gets pregnant and is unable to perform her 'duties' regularly.
I do believe it is possible to have an intellectual relationship with a much younger partner (i’m talking about an age difference of about twenty years), but the truth is the young lady would be like an apprentice (for lack of a better word) in the relationship, learning and absorbing knowledge from her much older partner. Sometimes this can go awry because sex is involved. This two individuals are coming from two different worlds- they may not necessarily like the same things- even things as flippant as music, TV progs, outing preference, etc. Alot of understanding and patience is required to sustain it.
again, I ask, what triggers love? Is it not the totality of a person? Seeing that you are compatible, well-matched, and like-minded in such profundity that it is almost musical?! How do a twenty-year-old and a forty-five-year-old achieve this? I am left wondering; and i am seriously open to answers on this.
My father married a woman (after a cordial divorce from my mum) to a woman younger than his first son. it is ridiculous! Especially since their conversations are monotonous and tedious.
Sincerely i cannot be with an older man; not that i am intimidated but i don’t see how, beyond the physical attraction, we can build understanding in other areas that unfairly expose our broad differences (and yes, there’ll always be alarming differences because of the wide age gap).
Maybe i have a weird sense of how things should be because, indeed i am about to shock you further and say the ‘worker-student’ relationship just isn’t something that appeal to me either!
At the end, we all know what we want. In my case i told God i didn’t want a ‘made man’, the idea of walking into matrimony with everything perfectly in place wouldn’t work for me. i wanted to marry someone i could grow with- financially etc etc (as long as i am certain he isn't a lazy person). I’d hate to feel like a furniture. So we grew together- we bought our first fridge, our first couch, our first everything as a married couple...
that's just how it works for me.