Sunday, May 13, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

by laspapi

as published in the Sunday Guardian of May 13

Something about Mary

For every girl on the face of the earth, the time will come when her man will ask her that big question. The one about the details of her past life. Whether she is eighteen or eighty, it will drop out of the blue sky on an innocuous day. “Baby…”, he’ll ask casually, “baby, the other men before me? How many were they? You can tell me. I’m asking because I don’t want any secrets to be between us.” If you fall for that, your boat will be going down like the Titanic and there’ll be no hands saved on this particular capsizing.

Don’t be fooled by a sense of security and lovingness to answer that question. No matter how secure you think your man is, you’ll learn a new and probably harsher side to his personality if you answer. So plead the fifth amendment, the right to silence. If you decide to answer in your bid to prevent any secrets being kept in your relationship, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. If you happen to be the sort that has been around more than others, you have put your relationship in jeopardy and it probably, will never recover from the shock tremors.

It doesn’t matter what number you give, or how harmless you make it sound. Many a woman is companionless now because she dared to be “open”. Men are not programmed to process that kind of information; it’s just not in their default setting; and the casual answer of four, or forty, or even four hundred by the more seasoned players will be like someone throwing a scrambler in a man’s mind. It will haunt them in their sleep and in their waking moments and they will be unable to get rid of the nagging feeling that they have been short-changed in some way. During a game of Monopoly, in between a commercial break while watching TV, on the way to church, coming home from the mosque, other questions will come, and this will go on for many years if the relationship does not collapse, a mind-numbing questioning session that will ever end. When you wake this ghost up, it will never go away. It doesn’t matter if the man is a vicar or a the head of a business conglomerate. It will sit on his mind and out of the corner of your eye, you will see him speculating; wondering where, when, how, with whom and other minute details men obsess about.

A woman may ask the Whisperer, “how do we get out of this?” “How do we keep from answering?” When the question comes as it will, be firm from the beginning and make him know it is irrelevant, the past is past and none of the other frogs you have ever kissed in your life can hold a torch to him, your Prince Charming. Prince Charming will sleep well at night after hearing that, and so will you. Do not make the mistake of meeting a tall, dark, handsome stranger with an enigmatic smile at the shopping mall and when asked who that was, reply with a dreamy look, “he was my first boyfriend”.

Always remember, nobody has been hanged yet for keeping silent, and the first rule when you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging. Immediately. If you think the shock absorbers of your relationship are strong enough to take the tremors of such a disclosure and you’d feel more comfortable with telling all, please go ahead. The chances are high, though, that you will rue the day you told a man of how it once was with you.

In relation to men, understand that ignorance is bliss even if he persists in questioning you, and he might never forgive you for information that shatters his tranquillity forever.


Anonymous said...

Why on earth would a sensible man ask such a question? Playing the silent card is always the best option and I certainly agree with the Whisperer.

Papi, seems you've found your calling with this whisperer thingy. You'll save many relationships from doom..I tell you..keep the good work up!

Iyaniwura said...

'if you know you don't want the answer or you are not going to like the answer.. why ask the question????

save yourself the trouble and maybe guess but 'really' don't bother asking.. chances are you are not going to like what you hear..

as always Laspapi on point..


ive always wondered why men ask this question (luckily ive never been asked, cos hoestly i dont think i could lie about it, but then again, i havent been about too much so can still answer using one hand with fingers left) ok too much information, but the point is why ask if u wont be able to deal with the answer???? i dont understand??
well said laspapi.
PS: have u heard about the naija bloggers hooking up thingy?

Naija Vixen said...

Lol @ answering "400"...the person try oh abeg! ;-) but seriously, this ryt here is one of them cases when "silence is golden", cos we ask questions thinking we can deal with the answer and find out we cant...and it doesnt apply to just guyz...This was on point Laspapi!

snazzy said...

one of the truisms of life that proves that the only thing you learn from history is that you learn nothing from history. People have been warning against this for aeons.

Anyway 36's penchant for being unnecessarily informative aside, would you want to be a judge for a short story competition targeted at seconday school students? It's for a good cause, well NYSC.

laspapi said...

@ anon- concerning such matters, men are insensible. Its my true calling anon, thanks for the encouraging words

gold mine- thanx gm,men will still ask even when they know they cant handle the truth

36 inches- Thanks for stopping by, 36. No, haven't heard about the hook up. Who, what, where? When?

vixen- some things are better left unopened. Who wants to look in pandora's box? We should leave the past where it is.

snazzy- being a judge for the short story competition thing sounds like an ok idea. Yeah, give me more info, please?

R said...

Nice to get a glimpse into the mind of a man on this matter. Very insightful, Laspapi.

There's one number, of course that I'm certain a man would be more than charmed to hear... :)

Anonymous said...

Hear! Hear!!
men and women are not the same no matter how PC you want to be... we are wired differently.
I sometimes feel it's not fair, but thats life in matter of the sexes.
A man wants to believe his woman... yes his "woman" is and has only be his( true or not)
Ladies just leave it that way.

Noni Moss said...

Loll - nice one laspapi. Doesn't the saying go "men would always increase their numbers and women will always reduce theirs"?

What I want to know is why men dont fear telling you their numbers or feel it's a bragging point. There are some people I wouldn't touch with a bargepole cos I know they've been VERY FAR AND WIDE. So it swings both ways. I also know some men who dont want virgins cos they say they are too much hard work. I guess everyone is different on their take.

I've been asked a couple of times and I actually increased my number. My take is if you cant accept me as I am - irrespective of how many lovers I've had, then we would never work. So I guess in a way - I agree with you - dont ask!

Unknown said...

if you've slept with him and you're over 26 which means dating for 10years. 3 guys. him, your ex and your first. If you havent slept with him yet, then 2.

if your under 26, 1 guy. your first boyfriend and first love and man you thought you'd be with forever.


laspapi said...

rombo, men see things too. Yeah, a man would like to hear he's been the only one. I dont see the likelihood of that these days.

refinedone- you hit the nail on the head, ignorance is bliss.

@ noni- hmm, it would take several lifetimes to completely figure why men increase their numbers of conquest and women reduce theirs. It's all about the stereotyping and indoctrination that's been on for centuries

@ chameleon- that's very interesting arithmetic, I must say. Sadly, records show more sexually active lives than it used to be years back..

laspapi said...

@ chameleon- dont know why I used the word "sadly". Isn't that me being judgemental?

Idemili said...

Why have I not seen your 'Girl Whisperer' posts until now? Please, I'm bookmarking you now.

laspapi said...

idemili, I've been writing this stuff, weekly, for three months now. I put it up every Sunday night. There'll be a new one tomorrow.