Sunday, June 24, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

by laspapi

as published in the Sunday Guardian of June 24

7 Myths about Marriage

Myth # 1. Marriage is a destination and not a journey- For many people, marriage is considered the key to all life’s questions and the attainment of this coveted status seems an automatic answer to the troubles that might have beleaguered them since childhood or adolescence. Many find out on becoming one part of a couple, however, that it is not always so. The idea of sharing one’s life with another being means a fresh voyage has begun and fresh solutions must be sought for new situations. Marriage itself is like admission into a citadel of higher learning; now you must work to obtain your degree or diploma, work that might take the rest of your life. The process can be an enjoyable or miserable one, depending on the partners in the enterprise and their compatibility.

Myth # 2. A philandering man will change his spots- The dictionary describes a philanderer as a man who makes love without serious intentions. Sometimes, some women assume that once a man agrees to go down the altar, his “evil” ways are mended for good. It is not always so. As a matter of fact, there is a serious likelihood that a man who had not repented of his former style of life will only wax stronger in marriage. He might take a break from that lifestyle for a short while, but soon, he will be back to doing the things he is adept at. These things might include drinking too much or smoking the wrong kind of stuff.

Myth # 3. A man/woman who loves little will love long- It is very likely that if you get entangled with a partner who barely tolerates you, that is the way it shall remain for the tenure of the marriage. Some partners hope that marriage will encourage barely perceptible love to grow. It is better to have this particular matter sorted before marriage though, because if he or she doesn’t love you enough from the onset, the chances are high that there shall be no further increases in the barometer of love. Only the foolhardy risk this venture.

Myth # 4. “Happily ever after” can be found on the remote control- This is similar in its make-up to number one. When the faces of blushing brides are studied at their weddings, it can be seen that there is a belief that all matter pertaining to marriage can be sorted with a click as with the changing of television channels. The human factor, its whims and caprices are not always taken into consideration in that calculation. Often, it is a rude awakening for these new brides when harsh reality faces them in the form of their partners and bares its fangs.

Myth # 5. Money cannot strain love- A lack of money can play havoc with the strongest relationships. Single-income families soon find the truth of the adage that “money is a defence”. In a situation where one partner does not pull his or her weight in financial matters, the tilt to one side causes imbalance in the relationship. It might have been okay in medieval times for men to go hunting while the women stayed at home to cook over open fires, but more and more, these days, one finds that the high cost of living requires both parties to pull their weights in all things monetary.

Myth # 6. Children can hold a marriage together- Some people think the presence of kids is enough to act as an adhesive to a marriage that is shaky at its foundations. It isn’t. The glue that must hold the fabric of the relationship together is the level of friendship and love between the partners. Marriages not properly constructed can collapse despite the presence of children.

Myth #7. He will learn to speak up to his mother- A man who cannot speak up to his mother or his family in issues concerning his woman before marriage, will not overcome that obstacle after marriage. A woman who deludes herself in this matter will have the rest of her life to regret this.

(Omosewa, your topic's next week)


Naija Vixen said...

Ehn oh,i agree with all these myth busters gan ni!!! Though im not married...and therefore no expert on this "pains" me to see young ones spending much thot on the ceremony rather than the marriage itself...and ignoring the "signs" thinking-once-you-"hook"-him-it-will-all-change ...should be made into a cardinal sin...great writeup 'Papi!

Refinedone said...

I have to agree with all too..
Once you can get Myth#1 out of the way, then I think there can be hope.

I like the way you put it Papi..

"Marriage itself is like admission into a citadel of higher learning; now you must work to obtain your degree or diploma, work that might take the rest of your life"

and as Naija vixen put it..Once you hook him/her it will NOT what you dont like, dont accept before marriage, it will only amplify in marriage.

...apart from that Marriage can be a beautiful journey with and by the grace of God!

Mimi said...

marriage is God's idea and it is a beautiful thing..

the two becoming one, it is the becoming that is real marriage,

not the ceremony celebrating it.

i like this post :)

hiiiiiiii groupie!

Idemili said...

Insightful as always, papi.

Tinuke said...

Laspapi,have you considered making the girl whisperer into a book? I would buy it.

Aijay said...

Oh wow! Gr8 post. I'm not married but i love this reality check. This is my latest addiction. Well done!

Cheetarah said...

Nice1, may I add to ur list with a new adage. My friend's significant other told her 'marriage was like accepting Christ' lol,suffice to say she is not yet married:)I happen to agree with him,na serious bidness!

Lola said...

hey laspapi, nice post! one quick question, do u know a tunji oguntokun? or does fiditi mean anything to you? 'k, laterz! :o)

laspapi said...

I'd like to salute all the ladies in the house.

@ naija vixen- thanks vixen. It's a fundamental flaw in many relationships. After the dust of celebration settles, will there be substance left? I know someone who filed divorce papers against his wife because she wouldn't make "eba" for him. Those are issues that should have been sorted before the knot.

@ refinedone- I'm glad you agree. And yeah, number 1's a cardinal point.

@ ~mimi~- I'm a ~mimi~ groupie for life. Where dem dey?
The pomp and paegentry of the wedding will not sustain the marriage. Thanks, ~mimi~

@ idemili- thanks, goddess, I've been "studying" these issues since I was a child. Coming from a troubled background lends insight too.

@ c'est moi- Thanks for that beautiful suggestion. No, it never crossed my mind, but now, it'll never leave it. Someday, I will make it a book. Thank you, C'est moi.

@ aijay- Thank you for stopping by. I'm really glad you like it.

@ cheetarah- That additon gave me food for thought. Independence is lost, each side must submit or the union disintegrates. Is submission to another, natural, you reckon or do you have to train your mind for this? I'll be thinking about this for a while.

@ lola- thanks for stopping by. No, I don't know the Fiditi "Oguntokuns" personally but my side (The Aawe-Oyo posse)has heard a lot about them. There's a street named after them somewhere off Western Avenue, Surulere.

♥♫♪nyemoni♫♪♥ said...

Nice, nice nice one...well thought out, as always! well done!

laspapi said...

nyemoni, thank you very much.

R said...


I'm with C'est moi. When will the book be out?

Cheetarah said...

Submission becomes natural esp for a woman(speaking for my self o! feminist leave my comment alone) Society expects you submit even if in the west they silently hope this happens even if crusaders like Chinkin scream against it; whilst in Nigeria you are told to, Religion advocates nay commands you submit. In reality a good marriage (like any relationship) is a partnership, comprise is necessary.
So mayb the equation is thus-
Submission= natural+training

laspapi said...

r, be careful so I don't begin to think I'm God's gift to womankind.

@ cheetarah- you have me musing. I need time to dwell on this hypothesis

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Hey Laspapi, i'm still thinking up a nice nickname, lol. Well said,and "happily ever after can be found on the remote control" cracked me up on this very shitty day i'm having. I'm looking forward to next weeks entry. Have a lovely week.

laspapi said...

beautiful child, glad I made you smile. Remember a day might be grey, but you have a choice of not taking on the same colour. Enjoy the rest of the week.

Anonymous said...

hey papi,
now that u 've dispel the myths, how about the "truths"?
u are definitely gifted.

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Thanks Laspapiscosco, you likes?:D

laspapi said...

thanks for the compliment, sherri. I'll look at the "truth" side soon.

@ 'sewa- hmm... ok, this one is better than the first.

...toyintomato said...

...yeah i finally found you.
gr8 blogg,
concerning the marriage myths,
its so unfortunate that our culture plays up the ceremony rather than the life lessons. ..and pretty much we end up with loveless/unhappy marriages.
..this is a reality check, for all us to demystify the myth

Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

LOL, i call someone "cockroachmi", so this is very nice. How are you? Update!!!

laspapi said...

thank you, toyintomato...I still can't figure the hype that follows Nigerian marriages in relation to the lack of preparedness for the long haul by participants.

@ omosewa- I think I'll settle for the newer one. That "cockroachmi" ain't funky at all

Noni Moss said...

I like! I think this should be sent to every silly girl rushing to get married to attain that "status" or join the married club.