Monday, June 11, 2007

Many Other Things About Mary

as published in the Sunday Guardian of June 10

My advice to females in “Something about Mary”, not to reveal intimate details of their past, drew reactions from many areas. All the girls who communicated by electronic mail, telephone or in person, were in complete agreement. (For the Girl Whisperer, any female, of any age, is a Girl). Many gave examples of how they had made the grave mistake of telling their partners how many others had been with them in the past and how that act of openness had dealt mortal blows on their relationships. There was mail from a particular man who made the title of his correspondence, “Lies”. According to him, The Whisperer was teaching ‘already loose’ women to keep things from their men and encouraging moral decadence. Right.

The hypocrisy of men in this regard is an experiment worth documenting by scientists. There is no man with a make-up capable of accepting information about the intimate past of his partner, no matter how much we deceive ourselves. The most even-tempered man, regardless of age, social status or creed, would crumble under the sheer weight of the information. Even the Whisperer, able to process all forms of issues concerning females, would not request this details because of the havoc it could create. Men should sit, think, and develop a healthy respect for females who can absorb this level of information without missing a step, information which would blow up the circuitry of any man.

But today’s discussion is really about love that isn’t returned, whether it is the man or woman who is doing all the giving. There is a cardinal rule in this matter, “It’s not who you love, it’s who loves you”. Let all be aware that if you make the mistake of loving someone who doesn’t love you back, it’s a one-way ticket to Heart Break prison and a life sentence without possibility of parole. Many of us fall in love with people who we think are perfect, everything we want in a partner, people we would do anything for. There’s just one tiny impediment; the person feels nothing for us. This object of our passion does not return phone calls, or search us out in a crowd, makes it clear when others are present that we are barely tolerated, and causes us many nights of sleepless misery.

There is only one answer to that; Get out of the relationship. Immediately. You cannot make another person love you against his or her will. If you think this person will learn to love you in the future, you’ve embarked on an exercise of self-delusion. If you have seemingly found the answer to your life-quest, why do you believe this person you are enamoured with is not in pursuit of his or her own true love?

Everyday for a person caught in this web of sado-masochism, will be miserable. There is nothing so pathetic than a person who cringes and grovels to be loved. It is not attractive and only attracts the emotion called pity, which I am sure you will agree is not the ingredient needed for mind-blowing and everlasting relationships. Remember the words of the song, Nature Boy, which goes, “The greatest thing you could ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return”.

Let all, heed the warning of the Whisperer; do not commit yourself to a long-distance relationship in which your partner does not love you as much as you love him or her. This partner never will, and sometime in the future, no matter how long it takes, will seek a more consuming love elsewhere, because every human craves this. Sadly, some will hold on to love that flows in only one direction, in the hope that someday, it will circulate freely. That day may never come, no matter how hard one wishes for it. Pursue those who love you. It’s the way nature designed us to be.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

It seems you know a thing or two about this stuff afterall. Did someone burn the whisperer before?

It doesn't matter, we all appreciate your efforts....even those of us that didn't love our Mr. Whos or Ms. Whos back.

As long as you keep exposing us, we have no choice but to get better.

Anonymous said...

love your blog!!
wish you had gone into more details.
i recently let someone go when i realized that i was indeed on a way one flight to heartbreak. best decision i have made to date!

laspapi said...

@ anon 1- I gave as good as I got, anon, but I'd like to think the days of thunder are gone now.

@ anon 2- good for you, anon, sometimes its better to let go. Thank you for visiting.

c'est moi said...

People like what they can't have and for the simple fact that the other person is emotionally unattainable, we tend to like them all the more. I agree, it is a fruitless mission.

They may give in, may decide to give the relationship a go, but you will always be the one that loves more, that gives more and that puts up with it all.

laspapi said...

That was spot on, c'est moi. you got it right in every detail.

~Mimi~ said...

yay!!! my very first groupie! :)

meanwhile, your topic for today is something that I have been discussing with friends. Especially some friends who are resident in nigeria. It seems that a lot of girls I know or hear of are always chasing after men who are either married or with girlfriends/fiancees, just for the fact that these men are comfortable.

needless to say, these men do not have much plans for these girls except to sleep with them and toss them aside when they are either bored / caught red-handed.

Some of the girls dare to fall in love with these men.

How depressing is that? I have a friend in such shoes and it saddens me greatly! This is a reality, and it occurs around us. Women who should be empowered to be so much more, reduced to men's play things.

Araceli said...

I can't remember who said it, but I read a line sometime ago about love, and it really is a food for thought. It says:

IT IS SAD TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU, BUT IT IS EVEN SADDER TO BE LOVED BY SOMEONE YOU DON'T LOVE.

Another version would be:

IT IS SAD TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO NO LONGER LOVES YOU, BUT IT IS EVEN SADDER TO BE LOVED BY SOMEONE YOU NO LONGER LOVE.

The thing about love is that it should never expect anything in return. I will love anyone anytime anywhere regardless of whether he will love me in return or not. I am for the I-just-love-you-because-I-love-you kind of thing. Period. It doesnt matter whether you love me in return or not, after all, love is an emotion one cannot control.

Please note that I am not talking here about abusive relationships or about being used.

Omosewa said...

Laspapilolo, i've missed running around on your blog. Okay two things, i agree with you on not telling everything, and not just when its about past partners, i think people need to learn to sift information and know which one needs to be told and which others need to be locked up in the heart forever. I mean there's a reason why we have the ability.

I know you might not have a clear cut answer to this, but i'm wondering what the whisperer thinks are ways for ladies to know a particular guy is totally completely into them?

I can't stand women who are constantly looking to be in relationships, i just think it's weak. I'm not saying dont be in one, but please, it's not a death sentence to be single nah, omg. Anyways, how have you been Laspilolo, ikunle ni mo wa, can i get up??:D

Sherri said...

very aptly said.
abeg o please follow up with how one can tell when the one u love does not love u back. from a "girl whisperer" point of view.

Waffarian said...

Laspapi, easier said than done. The problem is sometimes (especially true for women), we believe that if we could just love him a little more then he'll finally realise we are the "one". I sometimes find this even common with parents, isn't it always the "prodigal son/daughter" that parents want to say "i love you"? The good child, the one that takes care of them, helps them, the "love" of that child isn't worth nearly as much as the day the prodigal son comes home and does his part. I think the same applies in relationships, we often yearn for love that we can not have, its the hope, the expectation that we love to love. Does that make any sense?

Anonymous said...

@Papi-Thunder stays for a few and I agree that one should only give as good as they get. Unrequited love blows the thunder in a different direction.

Some beings exist who thrive on the emotional hurt of others while others may have fallen victims to unforseen situations. Some are just bluntly put- incapable of loving...or can't come to terms that another being can love them more than life itself.

I'm also certain love is never balanced in all relationships. Someone has to love more even if it's by the narrowest margin.

@Araceli - Love is an emotion but I'm not buying the control part. Emotions can be controlled to an extent. To love someone is a choice.

To embark on a saner journey (after being in a delusional love-less relationship) is a choice.

@anon2 - I'd say that's the best thing you could have done for yourself. Things don't usually happen overnight, many of us see the glaring signs but choose to ignore them.
I dated someone not too long a ago. We seemed picture perfect but the little voice within me never let me rest (to cut it short). I knew I was in denial but I eventually summoned the courage to let go. Two months later later, the heart breaker tied the knot.I wasn't in the know that they had been seeing each other for years.

If I hadn't let go, I'd have probably lost it. Sometimes it's best to love yourself more. I now put myself first before anyone else. Call me selfish but it's kept me sane thus far.


anon 1

Anonymous said...

@Laspapi, I am in love with you. I want to meet you. Saturday?

anon 3

BlogVille Idols said...

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Refinedone said...

@Anon 1- Hear! Hear!!..i have nothing to add, you have articulated it very well.I so agree with everything you have said.

...Loving yourself first..No! its not selfish (IMO)

When one knows how to love ones self ...no one would have cause to disrespect you.

I would leave a relationship where I am so in love with the other and he is not to me...no matter how painful it may be...Ok, i'll cry for a year(max) butone day i'll have to wipe my face and move on..

Love should not hurt! in any way

~Mimi~ said...

Groupie!!!!!!!! where are you? Have you cast your vote????????

laspapi said...

~mimi~, the ways of the heart are beyond figuring. People fall in love with the "unattainable"-I suppose man's greatest strength, "hope", works against us sometimes.
ps. Let me warn all the bloggville Idols judges, contestants and observers. I'm a Nigerian groupie o! If they dont accept ~mimi~, there'll be repercussions. We shall do this t'ing like we do our politics. "It's a do-or die affair". Anyone who says the joy is in participating and not winning should go and play ludo. Vote ~mimi~ into the next round or else...!

@ araceli- that was food for thought. Being loved by someone you no longer love or whom you never loved... I've felt great sadness when the subject of misplaced affections. I wish life wasn't so complicated atimes. I wouldn't give my heart to a non-returnee though, unrequited love isn't my thing."Its not who you love, its who loves you".

@ omosewa- good to have you roaming this blog once more. Sifting info given to a loved one about past exploits might be a very wise thing especially if the information seeker is a man.

"what the whisperer thinks are ways for ladies to know a particular guy is totally completely into them?"- That'll be interesting, I'll make it the subject of my topic on Sunday (june 24)

As for women constantly in need of a relationship... we all have different make-ups, child of beauty. Some need involvement. Others are cool being on their own if ther's nothing on the horizon.

@ sherri- unrequited love, sherri? I'll be back on that topic. Just give me a short while.

@ waffy- "we often yearn for love that we can not have, its the hope, the expectation that we love to love."-
Sometimes, waffy, people will spend the prime of their lives chasing "el dorado". If he's not returning your love, it might be a good idea to imagine to yourself, "the grapes must have been sour, anyway". I don't encourage people to care for those who don't reciprocate. It can be debilitating. I'll make a confession- I tell younger relatives not to get involved with people that they care for more than these persons care for them. But that's a personal thing. We must learn to walk away from pain.

@ anon- "I'm also certain love is never balanced in all relationships. Someone has to love more even if it's by the narrowest margin."

Well said, anon, but the margin has to be really narrow. If its a chasm or wide gulf, it's better to pack your "kangara" and get out of the relationship.
I like your take on this matter. It's instructive.

@ anon 2- who's playing pranks here? Sorry, the whisperer is unattainable. I'm keeping myself...ahem...pure.

@ refinedone- anon got it right. I would walk away too. Its a strength to be able to do that, I reckon. But I must disagree with you on one issue. Love will hurt, in my opinion, even if its evenly balanced. Because you love each other so well, you are capable of inflicting great pain on each other too. Someone you don't care for, can't get to you.

@ ~mimi~, coming. Preparing our strategy.

~Mimi~ said...

lol awwwwwwww. my groupie is in the HOUZZIEEEEEEEEEEE! lol.

~Mimi~ said...

oh yea, meanwhile in your spare time , i have another blog where I am putting together a novel (well cant really call it a novel because I doubt it will be that voluminous) but as i said, IN UR SPARE time, kindly read and tidbits on improving my writing skills will be appreciated. also criticism will be highly welcome.. i'm sure everyone has been sooo nice cos they have been giving me good compliments..lol..so i want a 'professional' opinion

Idemili said...

Hey Papi. You were supposed to help me choose?

Idemili said...

Waffarian, good point.Many women put up with so much shit in relationships which are obviously not going anywhere, because they feel that they are the one. That they share a special relationship with the one who does not love them back.

Refinedone said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Refinedone said...

Laspapi.. Love should not hurt, but it does..

I am of the school that refuses to let it hurt.
It hurts when we have high expectation on another human being, cos we put ALL our trust in them not hurting us.
Love is hard work when both parties are not working together or the other does not return the love.

Why should anyone male/female stay in a relationship that they are loved, if you are not sure open your mouth and ask, do you still love me?, do you want me? any other answer than YES, please move on and don’t inflict pain on yourself.

....and all this before one gets married!

By the way Laspapi, I believe it’s better for the guy to be more in love with girl.
My personal theory is that men find it hard to commit, but once they have that’s it…where as a woman its a lot easier, so go for the guy that loves you more I say.

A woman in love is not reasonable and will over look what she should not, in hope that she would be able to change him...it does not always happen that way...
Men compartmentalize, so the way you start with him is what he will expect forever, change and men are not natural ( I may be wrong about all this) these are just my observation.

OMGOSH! did not mean to take up all the space :))

Hope I made some sense

Lola said...

this is a very interesting topic. I think i'm one the few who actually see araceli's point and sort of agree with it. I'm one of those "free-with-my-emotions" type, if it's pain, if it's love, if it's hurt, or whatever, i welcome it and give myself permission to feel how i feel.

In the case of love, especially unrequited, sometimes you just can't help these things. Even as you're feeling it you're willing it to go away. I've been there. I think the key like someone already said is to love yourself. Cuz when you do you wouldn't accept something that's low for yourself. You wouldn't accept someone who doesn't love you back the way you love him. So while it's good to acknowledge your emotions, you still know that ultimately you are not going to settle and will have to move on.

but interesting topic still...

Araceli said...

Laspapi,

Take it from me: Nothing in the world could be more boring than loving only the people who love you. It can be so choking and tedious. I want to do the chasing, I swear I do.

And I won’t wish it to happen to you, but when and if it happens that you fall for someone whose eyes are on someone else, let me know. I promise I will not say I told you so, if I can help it, that is (loll – laugh out loud, laspapi!)

LOLA,
Way to go girl. It’s worth repeating here what someone has said: SING AS IF NO ONE’S LISTENING, DANCE AS IF NO ONE’S WATCHING, AND LOVE AS IF YOU’VE NEVER BEEN HURT.

ANON 1
If loving someone is a choice, then it’s not natural.

Anonymous said...

@laspapi, you are curious, come find out, I know you want to.

anon3

Refinedone said...

Real Love is a choice, hope we are not mixing lust, infatuations , that fuzzy feeling you get when you just hear his name, sweaty palms and heart rate beating fast and call that love.

I say love is a choice, cos it's not based on feelings...it not based on how that person makes you feel...I am talking here of Agape love.- that God kind, unconditional love( the type that lasts and holds on, even when all the others have failed).. I guess what others may be talking about is erotic love...which is more self centred.

The mandate to love is more sacrificial and tougher to do than the other, cos egos and pride will have to be bruised, but that’s talk for another day…:)

Preaching over :)

PS: Agape Love does not say be a door mat!
The minute self-worth and self-respect is being effected, it time to pause and check yourself.

Preaching is truly over!!!

Tayo said...

Hmmmmm ... what can I say? Most of this is valid. I agree that loving someone who doesn't love you in return is like chasing the wind... but I know a few examples in which it did work out. I guess love doesn't always follow principles 100%, there will always be that 1% exception. The problem is that many ladies keep holding on to a one-sided relationship wishing it will be that exception. More often than not, it isn't.

laspapi said...

~mimi~ for ever. I'll go check your other blog soon.

@idemili- I'm so sorry. I haven't forgotten.

@ refinedone- "....and all this before one gets married!"- what happens if one partner says he/she's no longer interested after marriage?

"My personal theory is that men find it hard to commit, but once they have that’s it…" Take it from an authority, refinedone. Men fall harder, much faster, before women do. It's also the men who usually want out first leaving as rapidly as they came in, whereas, the female is often unable to detach with such detachment after committing herself.

@ lola- thanks for stopping by. I think araceli's opinion might be slightly different from yours in the light that she says "love whether or not you're loved in return".

@ araceli- I learnt the "sour grapes" defence mechanism a while back. If she ain't loving me back, she can't be good for me.

araceli, one can give chase, but if what one meets is a blank white wall, staring unblinkingly back, I'd say, find the exit. Staying might lead to losing one's mind.

refinedone- I've been around awhile. Ever met a human capable of Agape love? Let's put aside the church-speak for a while... Do you know any single person who loves without condition like God does?

@ tayo- unrequited love worked out, tayo? That, I'd like to see.

Refinedone said...

Papi, last comment on this :)

It is not possible to attain agape without Gods grace. I said that already...but that should not stop us from trying.

If after marriage and one says they want out...after all that is possible to do has been done.

What else, but to end it now!

Both must want it or at least have a little hope, for the marriage to work (that is where agape love comes in)
That is where love becomes a choice.

Tayo said...

Laspapi, it did happen, and I'll narrate a funny true-life example here. A lady loved this guy so much and the guy hardly reciprocated. So what does she do? She takes his picture and puts it on a table each night. Serious prayer and Scripture Confession over the picture. After some months, the guy approaches her and asks her to marry him. Now they're happily married.
Another example, the guy is in US, his fiancee is in Nigeria. She does all the loving, mailing, calling and texting, and the guy is making it obvious he's no longer interested. Don't know what made him change his mind, but he came back home and asks the girl to forgive him and he really showed remorse. Last I heard, they were happily married and are both in US.

Nigerican said...

deep, deep stuff and so true.Whenever a guy asks me about my previous boyfriends i always reply " y do u wanna know things that might upset u?"I've been courted by two Naija men so far that i had no feelings for and made it clear to them that i had none.Can u believe both of them told me not to worry my love wud grow with time (like u said turn off).Y wud u want to settle and be with someone who doesn't love u in hopes that one day they will... it amazes me. Like i said earlier fantastic post.

laspapi said...

@ tayo- "She takes his picture and puts it on a table each night. Serious prayer and Scripture Confession over the picture. After some months, the guy approaches her and asks her to marry him."

The playwright in me is fascinated by this. Was the man induced against his will by a power stronger than his desires? Was it that he always wanted this woman but had no idea that he did? What if he had someone else he had intended to marry? (quite possible).
A man that's convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.

@ nigerican- thanks for this. A man who wants a woman who doesn't really want him is an oddity. Can love grow out of nothing? Doesn't one need a seed?

kramer said...

I felt I must leave a comment on this piece. Araceli`s comment got me thinking. I have been loved deeply by someone I did not love in return and it is the saddest thing. You try out of pity maybe to love them back, but it just doesnt work.

DiAmOnD hawk said...

interesting... i missed it when it all started. is this one of your entries? :-)

laspapi said...

@ kramer- pity will never oil the machinery no matter how one tries. Thanks for stopping by.

@ hawk- It's not one of my entries, hawk. As a matter of fact, none of the Girl Whisperer articles are.