Monday, March 19, 2007

The Girl Whisperer

(In the lair of the Wolf)

By laspapi (as published in the Sunday Guardian of March the 18th)

“A gentleman is a patient wolf”.

All women must understand the world is a jungle, full of predators. How can a woman tell a wolf apart from the men who seek her favours?
You must realize only the paranoid survive, and every man you meet has the potential to be a wolf.
There are two sets, the old wolves and the young wolves. Being “old” or “young” has nothing to do with the actual chronological age but only serves to show how long the wolf has been active in the jungle. A 23-year old man may be an “old wolf”. He is old on account of his reflexes and his experience.

The young wolf is brash and arrogant, and easily managed by most intelligent females. He tests the depths of water with both feet and his manoeuvres, sometimes clumsy can be predicted by the alert partner. He drools as he watches you eat at a fancy restaurant, looks at you out of the corner of his eye and you can tell when he is speculating how you will taste as his dinner. Unlike little Red Riding Hood who asked the wolf disguised as her grandmother, “Grandma, what big teeth you have”, and got eaten for her troubles, the discerning 21st century female should not ask these questions in an enclosed space with no one else present. The asking should be done in a crowded place where she can flee before the wolf gathers his wits and lunges for the kill.

The old wolf however is the one you must be careful with. The old wolf rarely bares his fangs and smiles so sweetly, you are not aware you are the main course for lunch. He listens attentively to his female prey, looks her deep in the eye and is extremely polite. He says just enough not to be a bore and little enough to remain mysterious. However, every female naturally has an in-built wolf-radar that can alert her to the presence of this predator. She must never allow soft music, good food, laughter and pleasant manners to close her eyes to the warning sounds of her radar. When the warning bells go off, the female should take off too and in the opposite direction from the wolf. Few can recover from the ravaging of an old wolf. He takes no prisoners and broken hearts are strewn all over the path to his lair. This is the law of the jungle.

This catalogue of predators cannot be complete without the mention of another fearful creature, the She-Wolf, who is as dangerous as any male of her specie. There is no old or young She-Wolf. Her mission whether in her early twenties or late fifties is to please herself no matter whose ox is gored. It matters little what pleasure you think she derives from your companionship. To the she-wolf, a man is a playmate to be discarded when he ceases to amuse her. Faint-hearted men and those who seek meaningful long-term relationships are advised not to put their hopes in this one.
Let the simple-minded male be warned- There is no deliverance from her once you wander into her den.


ps. Noni Moss- your 'daddy's girl' definition comes with next week's article


Eyin'ju Oluwa said...

Laspapi, true words. I think i'm excessively paranoid though, not really good. Wont men call you "sellout"? LOL. It's okay though, you'll have all the women on your side,and i'm sure you'll absolutely love that, hehehe.

laspapi said...

I live for the moment when all the women will be on my side

Waffarian said...

I think the worst thing about "old wolves" is that even if instinct tells you to run, you can't help but wonder........hmmmmmmm, what if he is the one?

Anonymous said...

In all my cunning. I still fell for the wiles of an old wolf. damn he was good!!!

Anonymous said...

lmao@anonymous.. that your wolf sounds like my ex-boyfriend.. the fucking guy!!! lmao.. this was a great writeup... insightful, funny... i loved it papi... wolves can be greatly interesting sometimes if only to learn some of their wiles and protect yourself from 'other wolves'

laspapi said...

hmm, don't cultivate a death wish o

@ anon- listen to the Whisperer, there's none better than the old wolf

@ Storm- Thanks, love. I dont want you messing with wolves though. Ask me whatever you need to know.

Noni Moss said...

Hmm Laspapi. Very interesting. I like a lot. Question now is what happens when the Old-wolf meets the she-wolf? Who has the upper hand?

laspapi said...

Glad you like it, noni. You inspire me.
The meeting of the Old Wolf and the She- Wolf would be that of the irresistible force and the immoveable object.

laspapi said...

wolf bane.