I've become a weekly columnist with the Sunday Guardian Newspaper (Life Magazine). The name of the column is "The Girl Whisperer" and it debuts tomorrow, Sunday. Like Oscar Wilde said at a busy airport's customs checkpoint, 'I have nothing to declare but my genius'. hehe. Is there any such thing as a "Girl Whisperer"? Yep, there is.

The Girl Whisperer
(In the mind of Venus)

By laspapi

We’ve heard of specialists in many areas. There is the Horse Whisperer and then the Dog Whisperer, both of whom have made fame and fortune from being able to communicate with all variations of the breeds, having the ability to comprehend their mood swings and temperaments and to unravel secrets of these animals once kept from ordinary eyes. I am still unable to comprehend the usefulness of those animalistic gifts, but to everyone his own as films and books have even been made out of these ‘extra-ordinary’ abilities.

But there is a gift I accidentally discovered in myself, the ability to comprehend and answer the universal question, “What is it that women want?” which is no mean feat considering the fact that no two women can agree to one answer to this question. If you doubt it, pause your reading, and ask any number of women near you, what it is they want. The answers you’ll get are as varied as there are stars in the sky.

But I am the Girl Whisperer. I know the answers to the matters that have troubled women about themselves, about men and about life itself. Before you ask “Can any good thing come out of Jerusalem?”, remember this country produced a Miss World- Agbani Darego, produced a Nobel Peace prize winner- Wole Soyinka and a Pulitzer prize winner- Dele Olojede. Why then, should it be difficult to imagine Nigeria as the origin of “The Girl Whisperer”, a man that holds the key to unlocking the secrets of women from all nations? To every era, a Girl Whisperer is born, just one. This era’s Whisperer is Nigerian, so live with it.

The basics- No matter where a woman is from, there are common denominators that run through each one. Whether big framed, small boned, white or black, old or young, women are of broad types. These types have hundreds of sub-categories but we’ll deal with the major types first.

Type 1 is “The Thorough-Bred”- A girl so well-mannered, it appears as if butter cannot melt in her mouth (and it probably cannot). She is reluctant to cause pain to others, usually has control of her emotions and is a delight to be with. The thorough-bred is found attractive by many men and never lacks for male attention. She is supportive of others and is purposeful.

Type 2- The Girl Next Door- This type is homely and loving, and like the thorough-bred, one of the most appealing when men seek to stop playing the field and need a partner to build a nest with. She is stable and reliable and is fiercely loyal. Mothers-in-law adore the two categories above.

Type 3- The Free Spirit- Life for her is a breeze. She knows how to laugh and is 50 years ahead of the rest of the world. The Free Spirit cannot be shackled to anyone or any cause for long, always wanting to be on her own, to fly free of restraint. Many have tried but her domestication is always only temporary.

Type 4- The Material Girl- The Material Girl decided at any early age that “Good girls go to heaven but bad girls go everywhere”. She will do anything to acquire what she wants and when she does, to keep it. A hard-headed realist and a born-survivor, she believes in using what she has to get what she wants.

Type 5- The Jerry Springer- Foul of Mouth and of heart, This one will pick a fight on a busy road and will win any slanging match irrespective of where it takes place. She can out-curse an area-boy and is unafraid of causing a scene even in a church or mosque. Indeed she lives for moments like these. Chaos brings out the beast… I mean, the best in her.
So, you have the basic types and under these, too many categories to catalogue at the moment.

Next week, we’ll discuss how you can identify a wolf even if he’s wearing a suit, speaks the Queen’s English and brings chocolates and flowers.
laspapi@yahoo.com