laspapi's "The Girl Whisperer" as published in the Sunday Guardian of March 25

The Girl Whisperer

(In search of El Dorado)

I started this column with the major categories of females- the thorough-bred, the girl-next-door, the free spirit, the material girl and the jerry springer, but there is one more I must add, brought to mind by my friend, noni moss. This is “daddy’s girl”, a girl in search of the perfect man and who unknowingly compares all men who come into her life with her father. She can never forget daddy anticipated all her needs, wiped her tears, was there when she fell to lift and comfort her and would listen to her endless chatter without complaining. As a result of this, Daddy’s girl goes in search of ‘El Dorado’ or the perfect relationship. She seeks a ready-made man, with an expensive car, a great physique and a sense of humour, who earns money faster than she can spend it, is patient, doesn’t drink or smoke, doesn’t snore or fart around the house, listens to her endless chattering etc. When she meets potential mates, she tells them, “my daddy used to…” setting the teeth of the mate on edge and forcing an exit earlier than planned by the mate.

Mummy’s boy who is the reverse of Daddy’s girl, being fixated on his own mother, goes in search of a woman who has great beauty but is submissive, cooks like a five-star hotel’s chef, has the body of Naomi Campbell, a natural body musk headier than any expensive perfume, has the business acumen and intelligence of Oprah Winfrey, is as sexy as Agbani Darego, Nigeria’s former Miss World, and possesses the humour of Ellen De Generes. This is possible… in your dreams.

The dictionary defines El Dorado as being a “fictitious country or city abounding in gold”. Many a man has fallen for this illusion, like a thirsty person sees an oasis in the desert when there is really nothing there. For those who are not prepared to face reality, they can spend their entire lives, searching, looking for the ultimate being until there is no more time and many beautiful possibilities have slipped through their hands. Daddy’s girl and Mummy’s boy must realise that the world isn’t perfect and a great part of life’s wonders rise from the fact that there is no complete package. Perfection lies only in movies and comic books and not every man and woman can look like Denzel Washington or Halle Berry and at the same time possess the wealth of Donald Trump.

When a woman goes in search of a mate, she should have a check-list of the things that are most important to her- A sense of humour, a healthy bank balance, patience, cleanliness, whatever her priorities might be. She may write ten traits or conditions she cannot live without and another ten she might consider bonuses if found in the package. (men do this too for your information).

If she can find eight of the ten things that are fundamental to her well-being, then she should go for the relationship. However, these conditions must be deliberated upon. What things would we not accept from a partner? A lack of hygiene? A tendency to lie? Arrogance? Placing a condition that a man must look like Indiana Jones or a woman like “Lara Croft” in the movie, Tomb Raider, is not advisable. By the way, Angelie Jolie’s bosom was digitally enhanced in the movie, Tomb Raider, which should tell you things are not always what they seem even when beautifully packaged.

Next week, we’ll discuss how to “Pimp your Bride”.